Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDefining Emotional NeedsTheir Importance In RelationshipsHow to Identify Your NeedsWays to Fulfill ThemHelping Your PartnerCommunication Tips

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Defining Emotional Needs

Their Importance In Relationships

How to Identify Your Needs

Ways to Fulfill Them

Helping Your Partner

Communication Tips

Close

Everyone has needs, and many people turn to their partners to fulfill all of them. But that’s a lot to ask of a partner—and a relationship. While helping to meet each other’s needs is important, the ultimate responsibility for emotional fulfillment rests on the individual.

Learn how to recognize your emotional needs in a relationship and what you can do to fulfill them yourself. We also share ways to help your partner meet their needs, furtherstrengthening your relationship. But first, it’s helpful to be clear about what emotional needs are and why they’re important.

What Are Emotional Needs?

Clinical psychologist and authorWillard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, shares that an emotional need is “a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration.” These cravings include a need for affection, conversation, honesty and openness, and family commitment.

All humans have emotional needs, and when those needs are met, we experience emotional fulfillment. Importantly, as emotions come from within us, fulfillment must come from within, too,

“When we have an expectation that a husband or wife fulfill us, we set ourselves up for disappointment, because no human being can satisfy another human being,” says Mark Altrogge, creator ofThe Blazing Center. “To hope that another human can meet our needs is asking too much of anyone.”

Don’t look at where your spouse needs to change. Look to where you need to change. Don’t have expectations of your spouse. If you have expectations, place them on yourself.—MARK ALTROGGE, CREATOR OF THE BLAZING CENTER

Don’t look at where your spouse needs to change. Look to where you need to change. Don’t have expectations of your spouse. If you have expectations, place them on yourself.

—MARK ALTROGGE, CREATOR OF THE BLAZING CENTER

In the end, a partner can help support us emotionally, but they can’t be the only way for us to feel fulfilled and content. That said, theiremotional supportis still critical, even if they can’t meet our every need.

Importance of Meeting Emotional Needs In a Relationship

If your emotional needs in a relationship are being met, you feel more comfortable expressing your feelings to your partner. While you may certainly have disagreements, it becomes easier tofight fairly, knowing that the ultimate goal is to reach a mutually agreeable solution.

When partners are meeting each other’s needs, they are also likely to spend more time together and share details of their lives with one another. They both feel valued and validated, and they often experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

Steps to Identifying Your Needs

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor who specializes in helping clients face relationship issues, suggests a four-step process for thinking about your own emotional needs. , This process comes from the field ofdialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

An easy way to remember the four steps is with the mnemonic STOP:

Ways to Fulfill Your Own Needs

Once you’ve identified your emotional needs, the next step is to find ways to fulfill them. Romanoff suggests that this begins with being alert to when you tend to reach out to others for emotional fulfillment. For many, this might be when you are bored, lonely, anxious, or need toregulate your emotions.

Depending on a partner to meet your needs is not only difficult for them; it’s also holding you back. “By reflexively reaching out to others to meet your needs, you are reinforcing the idea that you are not capable of caring for yourself in these difficult moments,” says Romanoff. “It is important to prove to yourself that you are stronger than you think you are.”

What to Do If You’re Begging for Attention

Helping Your Partner Meet Their Emotional Needs

While self-soothing is important, you can still help your partner meet their needs in ahealthy, non-codependent way, says Romanoff. Strive to be of help when your partner asks for it. “This will help strengthen the relationship,” she says, “as it will be based on intentional and purposeful connection instead of neediness or expectations that your partner can read your mind.”

Consider what your partner wants and values. Is it a home-cooked meal? A special dinner at a fancy restaurant or a quick burger at a fast-food eatery? Fixing that leaky faucet or loose door handle? An affirming word oraffectionate gesture?

An Act of Kindness Goes a Long WayIt doesn’t really matter what the act of kindness is. The important thing is that your partner knows they are valued—that you recognize what they want and need and you are ready to provide it. An effort to understand and willingness to give is key to agood relationship, and ultimately, to having your own needs met too.

An Act of Kindness Goes a Long Way

It doesn’t really matter what the act of kindness is. The important thing is that your partner knows they are valued—that you recognize what they want and need and you are ready to provide it. An effort to understand and willingness to give is key to agood relationship, and ultimately, to having your own needs met too.

8 Ways to Provide Emotional Support for Your Partner

How to Talk About Your Emotional Needs

It’s important that partners can communicate their emotional needs in a relationship. Once you are in the mindset of being a loving and giving partner, you can then start to advocate for your own needs, but you have to be careful about how you go about it.

When you want your spouse to perform some kind of action to magically meet your needs, you are really asking for them to change, saysBarton Goldsmith, PhD, a psychotherapist and author, and that’s a nearly impossible request. Instead, be direct.

Ask for what you need. Do you want change, understanding, or compatibility? Whatever your need, asking for it directly will greatly improve your chances of getting it.—BARTON GOLDSMITH, PHD, PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND AUTHOR

Ask for what you need. Do you want change, understanding, or compatibility? Whatever your need, asking for it directly will greatly improve your chances of getting it.

—BARTON GOLDSMITH, PHD, PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND AUTHOR

To be direct, you must be clear in your own mind about what you need. Romanoff explains why this is important: “Once you areable to self-reflect, sit with your emotions on your own, and understand what you need, you will be more able to communicate what you would like from your partner,” she says.

“Oftentimes what we need the most is to have a partner who is willing to be more accessible, emotionally receptive, and engaged,” Romanoff adds. This means being emotionally present during difficult situations.

“It is usually best to communicate your needs and expectations for your partner when you are calm and not acutely in distress,” says Romanoff. Otherwise, you might come across as blaming, which could lead your partner to feel defensive andnot hear what you are trying to say.

What This Means For YouIf your partner knows that you care for them and will be there for them through big things and small, they are much more likely to reciprocate. Having your emotional needs involves sharing and caring for your partner. A person who feels loved, cared for, and appreciated is far more likely to reciprocate in kind.

What This Means For You

If your partner knows that you care for them and will be there for them through big things and small, they are much more likely to reciprocate. Having your emotional needs involves sharing and caring for your partner. A person who feels loved, cared for, and appreciated is far more likely to reciprocate in kind.

Do We Have the Same Relationship Non-Negotiables? An Investigation

1 SourceVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day RD, Gangamma R.Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072Additional ReadingJankowiak W, Shen Y, Yao S, Wang C, Volsche S.Investigating love’s universal attributes: A research report from China.Cross-Cult Res.2015;49(4):422-436. doi:10.1177/1069397115594355Lindemann DJ.Commuter spouses and the changing American family.Contexts. 2017;16(4):26-31. doi:10.1177/1536504217742388

1 Source

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day RD, Gangamma R.Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072Additional ReadingJankowiak W, Shen Y, Yao S, Wang C, Volsche S.Investigating love’s universal attributes: A research report from China.Cross-Cult Res.2015;49(4):422-436. doi:10.1177/1069397115594355Lindemann DJ.Commuter spouses and the changing American family.Contexts. 2017;16(4):26-31. doi:10.1177/1536504217742388

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Yoo H, Bartle-Haring S, Day RD, Gangamma R.Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction.J Sex Marital Ther. 2014;40(4):275-293. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072

Jankowiak W, Shen Y, Yao S, Wang C, Volsche S.Investigating love’s universal attributes: A research report from China.Cross-Cult Res.2015;49(4):422-436. doi:10.1177/1069397115594355Lindemann DJ.Commuter spouses and the changing American family.Contexts. 2017;16(4):26-31. doi:10.1177/1536504217742388

Jankowiak W, Shen Y, Yao S, Wang C, Volsche S.Investigating love’s universal attributes: A research report from China.Cross-Cult Res.2015;49(4):422-436. doi:10.1177/1069397115594355

Lindemann DJ.Commuter spouses and the changing American family.Contexts. 2017;16(4):26-31. doi:10.1177/1536504217742388

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