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Little excites us as much as a tale of ill-fated romance or partners for whom the stars never align. Why is that, and why do so many of us invest so deeply in the notion of relationships with people who aren’t even interested in us in the first place?

As with many things in life, the chemicals ourbrains produceplay a role in our fascination with star-crossed love. If you’ve ever found yourself lusting after or daydreaming about someone you didn’t have a chance with—and let’s face it, we’ve all done it—you might benefit from learning about why people who don’t want us are so very tempting and hard to give up on.

It’s time to start focusing on people who are available and excited to love you back!

At a Glance

Why Does Our Brain Want Unavailable Partners?

It seems counterintuitive, but it’s natural to desire someone once you learn it’s not going to happen with them…which is rough.

“If we’re attracted to someone and then realize that pursuing something with them would be difficult or isn’t possible, ourattractioncan intensify,” explains psychotherapist and clinical supervisorMadison McCullough, LCSW. She says that’s because our imaginations are stimulated when we want something and then find out we can’t have it.

Madison McCullough, LCSWWe imagine what it would be like to have it, and get frustrated about not being able to have it, all of which adds fuel to our desire.

Madison McCullough, LCSW

We imagine what it would be like to have it, and get frustrated about not being able to have it, all of which adds fuel to our desire.

For others, unrequited feelings can lead to limerence. That’s when you hit the point of obsession about a person, and you can’t stop it. The person becomes the “limerent object,” and you focus on them incessantly. You might even need therapeutic assistance to move on.

People with specific attachment styles are more vulnerable to one-sided love. Says McCullough, “it is probably more likely that people withanxious attachmentstyles would be interested in people who are unattainable. They might be more likely to attach greater importance and meaning to attaining the unattainable, and feel more distress about not being able to attain the unattainable in the first place.”

Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About Someone?

The Role of Romantic Rejection

When it comes to whyromantic rejectioncan intensify our desire for the unattainable, we’ve gotdopamineto blame. It’s a feel-good chemical, and it can be particularly intense when a situation is unpredictable, as in not knowing how someone feels about you.

Dopamine is associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings, and the hunt for it is what makes people do everything from gambling to drugs.

McCullough says unrequited love isn’t that different from gambling, according to your brain. “Most of the time that you play a slot machine, you’re going to lose. Though the odds of winning are slim, there’s an allure to continuing to put coins into the machine,” she says.

Your mind will be on the hunt for a good outcome. “What if you beat the odds and win? What a rush that would be,” she says, noting that “the same applies to being drawn to people who are unattainable.”

These highs and lows can keep you hooked, andnotjust on gambling. The psychological impact of being rejected is such that it might just make you want someone all the more, and focus on them even more strongly. It’s not emotionally good for us in the slightest, but we’ve got our brains to blame for why it happens.

“Am I Unlovable?”

Societal and Cultural Factors

Being coupled is both a focal point of our cultural stories and is very involved in the way we view others. Referring to those married to famous people as celebrities themselves purely for their proximity to fame, for example, shows how strongly we associate people with their partners.

Additionally, love is an incredibly common plotline in our books, tv shows, and movies. We ask single people “why” they’re single, but we never ask coupled people why they’re together. Being partnered is the “normal” way to be, whether or not you’re in a happy relationship, and it makes sense that can mess with people’s minds.

She tells us that, “this pressure can make it difficult for us to more accurately assess when a potential partner is truly unavailable to us, and to know when to move on.”

Overcoming the Pattern

Now that you understand why we’re wired to want those who don’t want us back, we can get to the good part: How to stop this cycle. Getting out of the habit of wanting those who don’t want you frees you up to focus on finding someone who will, and/or on being able to besingleand free—which, contrary to many popular narratives, is perfectly all right as an option too!

Cultivate self-awareness and honesty

Once you have spent time on self-reflection and gaining a better understanding of your personal motivations, McCullough suggests you open up to someone else about your tendency. That’s for the sake of accountability. “Ask a trusted friend if they’d be willing to help you monitor when you might be repeating patterns of gravitating toward people who are unavailable, and agree on some parameters for how to talk about it,” she instructs.

Whether you choose tospeak to a friendor a professionaltherapist, it’s important to realize the changes you need to make. When we’re hung up on someone who isn’t into us, it can lead to weird behaviors.

How Do You Get Over Someone You Never Actually Dated?

Set healthier boundaries and seek support

You’ll want to begin settinghealthier boundariesaround not just how you engage with others, but the amount of time and effort you put into the idea of them. You’ll also want to learn how to recognize the red flags that arise that make it clear a situation isn’t going to happen so that you can more easily move forward once you realize it.

With some time and self-care, you’ll be able to shift perspectives to stop focusing on relationships with people who aren’t your match. Whether you then find yourself happily single or you obtain a partner, you’ll be more fulfilled long-term than you were when wanting those who don’t want you back.

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Wyant BE.Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach: a case study.J Patient Exp. 2021;8:23743735211060812.Gardner EL.Introduction: addiction and brain reward and anti-reward pathways.Adv Psychosom Med. 2011;30:22-60.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Wyant BE.Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach: a case study.J Patient Exp. 2021;8:23743735211060812.Gardner EL.Introduction: addiction and brain reward and anti-reward pathways.Adv Psychosom Med. 2011;30:22-60.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Wyant BE.Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach: a case study.J Patient Exp. 2021;8:23743735211060812.Gardner EL.Introduction: addiction and brain reward and anti-reward pathways.Adv Psychosom Med. 2011;30:22-60.

Wyant BE.Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach: a case study.J Patient Exp. 2021;8:23743735211060812.

Gardner EL.Introduction: addiction and brain reward and anti-reward pathways.Adv Psychosom Med. 2011;30:22-60.

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