Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsFear of Intimacy vs. Fear of VulnerabilityWhat Causes Fear of Intimacy?Risk FactorsSignsDiagnosisTreatmentCopingAdvice for Loved Ones
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Fear of Intimacy vs. Fear of Vulnerability
What Causes Fear of Intimacy?
Risk Factors
Signs
Diagnosis
Treatment
Coping
Advice for Loved Ones
Fear of intimacy, sometimes referred to as intimacy avoidance or avoidance anxiety, is characterized as the fear of sharing a close emotional or physical relationship. People who experience this fear don’tusually wish to avoid intimacy, and may even long for closeness, but frequently push others away or evensabotage relationshipsnonetheless.
Fear of intimacy can stem from several causes, including certain childhood experiences such as ahistory of abuseor neglect. The fear may involve one or more of these types of intimacy to different degrees:
Overcoming this fear and anxiety can take time, both to explore and understand the contributing issues and to practice allowing greater vulnerability.
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The fear of intimacy is separate from thefear of vulnerability, though the two can be closely intertwined. A person living with a fear of intimacy may be comfortable becoming vulnerable and showing their true self to the world at first, but there are often limits to how vulnerable they’ll allow themselves to be.
For someone who fears intimacy, the problem often begins when the person finds relationships becoming “too close.”
Fears of abandonment and engulfment and, ultimately, a fear of loss are at the heart of the fear of intimacy for many people, and these fears can coexist. Although the fears are different from one another, both cause behaviors that alternately pull the partner in and then push them away again.
Fear of intimacy can also be linked to anxiety disorders.
Fear of Abandonment
Those who areafraid of abandonmentworry that their partner will leave them. This fear often results from the experience of a parent or other important adult figureabandoningthe person emotionally or physically as a young child.
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Fear of Engulfment
Those who have fear engulfment are afraid of being controlled, dominated, or “losing themselves” in a relationship, and this fear sometimes stems from growing up in an enmeshed family.
Anxiety Disorders
The fear of intimacy may also occur as part of asocial phobiaorsocial anxiety disorder. Some experts classify the fear of intimacy as a subset of these conditions.
People who are afraid of others' judgment, evaluation, or rejection are naturally more likely to shy away from making intimate, personal connections. In addition, somespecific phobias, such as the fear of touch, may occur as part of the fear of intimacy.
Other people, however, may be comfortable in superficial social situations, numbering their acquaintances and social media “friends” in the hundreds, but have no deeply personal relationships at all.
In fact, the fear of intimacy can be harder to detect as today’s technology allows people to hide behind their phones and social media.
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Risk factors for a fear of intimacy often stem back to childhood and the inability to securely trust parental figures and caregivers, which can lead to attachment issues. Experiences that may increase the risk of fearing intimacy include:
A fear of intimacy is also more common in people who are taught not to trust strangers, in those who have a history of depression, and in those who have experienced rape.
Traumatic interactions in relationships outside the nuclear family, such as with a teacher, another relative, or a peer who is a bully, may also contribute to a fear of intimacy.
While the focus is primarily on childhood, the experiences of relationships during adolescence and adulthood can continue to influence a person’s openness to intimacy.
Signs and Manifestations
The fear of intimacy can play out in a number of different ways in any type of relationship, whether romantic, platonic, or familial.
It’s important to note that the manifestations of an underlying fear of intimacy can often be interpreted as the opposite of what the person is trying to achieve in terms of connection. For instance, a person may strongly desire close relationships, but their fear prompts them to do things that cause problems forming and sustaining them.
Ironically, relationship-sabotaging actions are usually most pronounced when the relationship in question is one that the person particularly values.
For those who have been involved with a person living with a fear of intimacy, this paradox is particularly important to understand. The fear does not usually cause major difficulties unless a person truly longs for closeness. Here are some specific behaviors that are commonly seen.
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A person who has a fear of intimacy is often able to interact with others, at least initially. It’s when the relationship grows closer and the value of the relationship grows that things begin to fall apart.
Perfectionism
The underlying fear of intimacy often lies a feeling that a person does not deserve to be loved and supported. This leads to the need to be “perfect” to prove oneself lovable.
Whether it takes the form of being a “workaholic” or other manifestations of perfectionism, the fear often works to push others away rather than draw them near.
Difficulty Expressing Needs
A person with a fear of intimacy may have great difficulty expressing needs and wishes. Again, this may stem from feeling undeserving of another’s support.
Because partners are unable to “mind read,” those needs go unfulfilled, essentially confirming the person’s feelings that they are unworthy. This pattern can translate into a vicious circle, one in which the lack of a partner understanding unexpressed needs leads to a further lack of trust in the relationship.
Sabotaging Relationships
People who have a fear of intimacy maysabotagetheir relationship in many ways.Act of sabotage may take the form of nitpicking and being very critical of a partner. It may also take the form of making themselves unlovable in some way, acting suspicious, and accusing a partner of something that hasn’t actually occurred.
Difficulties With Physical Contact
A fear of intimacy can also lead to extremes when it comes to physical contact. On one side, a person may avoid physical contact completely. On the other, they may seem to have a constant need for physical contact.
There is a spectrum when it comes to fear of intimacy, with some people having only mild traits and others being unable to form any close relationships at all. Psychometric testing can help a psychologist or therapist better define where a person lies on the spectrum and also evaluate for other mental health conditions.
The Fear of Intimacy Scale is one measurement that can help objectively assess the condition.
How to Know If You Have Intimacy Issues
Watch out for the following signs in yourself that may indicate a fear of intimacy:
Treatment for Fear of Intimacy
Professional guidance is often required to navigate a fear of intimacy, especially if the fear is rooted in complicated past events. Choose your therapist carefully, astherapeutic rapport, mutual respect, and trust are essential to the work of healing. You may find that you need to try several therapists before you find a match.
Your therapist can help you come to terms with any past or present events that are clouding the situation and help you design a series of small steps to gradually work through your fear.
Many people who have a fear of intimacy also experience problems with depression,substance use, andanxiety disordersthat also need to be addressed. A therapist can assist with these individual concerns as well.
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Coping With a Fear of Intimacy
Whether you consult with a therapist or not, there is some work that must be done in order to conquer a fear of intimacy that only you can do. This largely comes down to facing and challenging negative attitudes about yourself, which is critical if lasting change is to take place.
This process can take time, a willingness to accept uncertainty, and the effort to review your life to discover how and why you developed this fear.
Accept Uncertainty
Those who fear intimacy ultimately fear the consequences of a relationship that turns sour. It’s important to accept the fact that there are no guarantees in life or in human relationships. Every connection with another person is ultimately a gamble. Despite that, social relationships are a basic driving goal of human existence.
Practicing courage can make a difference, and it’s been found that developing positive relationship experiences can decrease fear. A caveat is that it’s important to do this with someone who you believe you can trust. Try to focus more on living day to day, rather than focusing on (or needing) a particular outcome.
Express Self-Compassion
In order to successfully battle the fear of intimacy, you must first be comfortable with yourself. If you truly know and accept your own value and worth as a person, then you know that rejection is not as crushing as it may seem.
You will be able to set appropriate boundaries to avoid engulfment and cope with abandonment if it comes along.
Practicing self-compassion may sound easy to some, but for others, it’s not always intuitive. There are several excellent books and workbooks available that may be helpful if you’re not certain where to begin.
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Look at Your Past
Most of us don’t want to think negatively about a parent or parental figure but try to honestly evaluate your childhood relationships in an effort to zero in on possible contributions to your fear of intimacy. Think about the messages you received in your family and compare these with the messages youshouldhave received.
If you had a neglectful, abusive, or engulfing parent, recognizing that your relationship with your parent is not the only model for intimate relationships may help you realize what might be possible in terms of intimacy.
Tune Into Your Inner Dialogue
The inner dialogue that leads to the manifestations of a fear of intimacy is often deep-seated, and after living a lifetime as your own inner critic, it may seem normal to you.
Rather than accepting that critic, try to catch yourself casting negative self-judgments. Look to see where they are coming from and challenge and correct them when you can.
Look at Your Goals
What do you really want in life? Do you want a long-term intimate relationship? If so, how have you pushed people away in the past? Take time to review what your wishes and goals were and are and how your actions either help or hinder them.
Give Yourself Time
Overcoming a fear of intimacy doesn’t happen overnight. Even when you feel like you have gained ground, you will inevitably have setbacks. Grant yourself forgiveness when this happens and speak kindly to your inner self.
Try not to view your fear as a character flaw. Instead, try to look at it as simply something that likely stems from your distant past that you can work through in order to have a better future.
Research has also shown that positive relationship experiences can be beneficial for those who have issues with intimacy. Having such positive experiences may improve your ability to form intimacy over time.
If it is your loved one who is coping with a fear of intimacy, you will need to practice patience. Setbacks are perfectly normal and to be expected. Establishing safety and trust is of utmost importance so that your loved one can begin to open up.
Try to not react personally or with anger if your loved one tries to push you away. Recognize that they are not rejecting you, but rather that they fear you will reject them.
Keep your partner’s fear of abandonment, rejection, or engulfment in mind as you think about their words and behaviors. Their upbringing may cause them to interpret an action in a completely different way than you would.
Regular reminders of your love, through both words and actions, are important. Don’t assume your partner “feels” loved. Rather, create an environment that supports the fact that they are deserving of it.
Most importantly, let your partner know that overcoming the fear is a team effort. While you are likely curious, it’s not important for you to understand how this all started. Instead, what your loved one needs is support and a willingness to listen when they are ready to share.
1:50Questions and Tips For Building Intimacy In Your Relationship
1:50
Questions and Tips For Building Intimacy In Your Relationship
Keep in Mind
Actions rooted in a fear of intimacy only perpetuate the concern. With effort, and especially with a good therapist, however, many people have overcome the fear and developed the understanding and tools needed to create long-term intimate relationships.
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9 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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