Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPreparation Before the HolidaysStrategies for Managing Family DramaPractical Tips for Holiday GatheringsPost-Holiday Reflection and Self-Care
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Preparation Before the Holidays
Strategies for Managing Family Drama
Practical Tips for Holiday Gatherings
Post-Holiday Reflection and Self-Care
Close
The holiday season is a time of festivities, family, and fun—or at least, it’s supposed to be. But what happens if the “family” part of the equation negates the other two?
Tensions can run high in families during the holidays, and often results in lots of family drama. Here’s how to deal with it.
“‘Family drama’ has a pretty wide definition, which could range from ‘We disagree on many things’ to ‘I am concerned my relatives will be abusive to me,’” explains licensed clinical psychologistAmy Marschall, PsyD. If you think that there might be any drama with your family during the holidays, it’s best to emotionally prepare ahead of time.
How to Deal With Difficult Family Members
Though it may seem unavoidable, there are strategies you can use to manage family drama.
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
Boundaries are extremely important to maintain in any family situation, but especially if your family is prone to drama.
Be very clear with your family upfront if there are certain subjects that are taboo for you. Don’t want to talk about work? Let your family know that, and don’t give in when they pressure you about it. Don’t feel like dealing with theconstant questions about your love life? Be clear that this subject is off-limits. You can say something like:
Or you can change the subject. Maybe try:
It’s also important to demonstrate to your family that you will not let yourself get entangled in their fights. If someone tries to draw you in, you can say:
Keep in mind also that a boundary does not control someone else’s behavior but specifies to them what your boundaries are.—AMY MARSCHALL, PSYD
Keep in mind also that a boundary does not control someone else’s behavior but specifies to them what your boundaries are.
—AMY MARSCHALL, PSYD
Setting Boundaries in a Relationship—Your Questions Answered
Managing Emotional Responses
There are some tried-and-true techniques you can practice for emotional regulation that can help keep you calm and collected during family drama.
7 Things to Do if You Feel Emotional
Communication Techniques
When trying to communicate with your family, especially during times of heightened emotion, it’s necessary to practiceactive listeningand empathy.
This is a great way to engage people who might have differing opinions than you do because it lets them know that you are interested in what they are saying and have empathy for what they are feeling, even if you disagree with them. And this, in turn, leads to less conflict, because the other person doesn’t feel like they need to get defensive about their thoughts and opinions.
If things do escalate to an uncomfortable level, you can try somede-escalation strategies. If people are arguing, you might try to interrupt and say:
You could also offer a distraction:
The key here, though, is to know when you’re beat. If there is nothing you can do to quell the drama, let it go. Try to find a safe place to be or safe people to be with. And if you can’t? It’s OK to leave, even for just a little while.
Confrontation Doesn’t Need to Be Scary—These Tips Will Help You Do it Right
Stuck at a bad holiday gathering? Here are actionable things you can do to cope.
Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques
“Then extend both hands out (giving to others, which often causes people to experience feelings of being overextended and fatigued compared to the first-hand placement),” Romanoff continues. “Lastly, place one hand on your belly (giving to yourself) and extend one hand out (giving to others) – this is usually a powerful technique in noticing how your body feels when maintaining a balance of giving to yourself and others and can set the frame for these important conversations.”
Seeking Support
When dealing with family drama, having asupport systemis of the utmost importance. If there is someone in your family with whom you feel safe, that’s great—do your best to spend time with them, and avoid the people who stress you out. Even if you have to interact with the dramatic people, knowing you can always go back to that one family member to decompress and complain can make all the difference.
You also can positively visualize how you want the conversation to end – and use that as a compass to reorient yourself and approach if it gets derailed.—SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD
You also can positively visualize how you want the conversation to end – and use that as a compass to reorient yourself and approach if it gets derailed.
—SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD
Don’t have a family member whom you trust? That’s OK. Remember that you can always reach out to friends for support. You can tell your friends ahead of time that you might need to call or text them to get through a family gathering—this way, they can be prepared and have their phones on them in case you need to get in touch.
In times of strife, especially if you are trapped somewhere and cannot escape, knowing that soon you will be back to your normal life, with your chosen family, can be bolstering. And if you need reminders that this other life exists, it’s especially important to maintain contact with friends throughout the course of the holiday season.
5 Ways to Manage Your Mental Health During the Holidays, According to a Therapist
What did you learn? Maybe you learned that certain family members are safe havens for you, while others trigger you. Maybe you learned that you need regularly scheduled breaks in the middle of holiday parties. Maybe you learned that you need to be in touch with outside friends in order to be able to go back and deal with your family for any extended period of time. All of these things are OK, and are very helpful to know in the future. So, the next time you have to spend time with your dramatic family, you’re prepared to protect yourself.
But now, let’s say the holidays are over, and you survived—barely. What can you do torecover from holiday stress?
“It’s helpful to have a self-care plan for before, during, and after gatherings,” says Dr. Marschall. “What do you need in order to attend to your psychological needs during this time?”
If you need to spend time with friends to counteract the experiences you just had with your family, schedule hang-outs for when you return from your holiday. Knowing that you will be spending time with people you actually get along with can be bolstering and help get you through the family time because you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
And—perhaps most importantly—bask in the knowledge that you don’t need to survive another family holiday get-together for another whole year.
Navigating Dinner Table Topics Starts with Healthy Boundaries
2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Zaccaro A, Piarulli A, Laurino M, Garbella E, Menicucci D, Neri B, Gemignani A.How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing.Front Hum Neurosci. 2018 Sep 7;12:353. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353. PMID: 30245619; PMCID: PMC6137615.Tennant K, Long A, Toney-Butler TJ.Active Listening. In:StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-.
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Zaccaro A, Piarulli A, Laurino M, Garbella E, Menicucci D, Neri B, Gemignani A.How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing.Front Hum Neurosci. 2018 Sep 7;12:353. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353. PMID: 30245619; PMCID: PMC6137615.Tennant K, Long A, Toney-Butler TJ.Active Listening. In:StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Zaccaro A, Piarulli A, Laurino M, Garbella E, Menicucci D, Neri B, Gemignani A.How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing.Front Hum Neurosci. 2018 Sep 7;12:353. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353. PMID: 30245619; PMCID: PMC6137615.Tennant K, Long A, Toney-Butler TJ.Active Listening. In:StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-.
Zaccaro A, Piarulli A, Laurino M, Garbella E, Menicucci D, Neri B, Gemignani A.How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing.Front Hum Neurosci. 2018 Sep 7;12:353. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353. PMID: 30245619; PMCID: PMC6137615.
Tennant K, Long A, Toney-Butler TJ.Active Listening. In:StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-.
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