"Don't Go to Bed Angry:" The Pros and Cons of This Practice

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Benefits of Not Going to Bed Angry

Drawbacks of This Practice

Putting It Into Practice

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If you’vehad an argument with a loved one, a friend or family member may nudge you to sort it out sooner rather than later. " Don’t go to bed angry" is advice you’re likely to hear while they’re persuading you to reach out to the person you’ve argued with.

There is a belief that taking your anger to bed allows it to intensify and build from a simple conflict to a significant rupture, saysSabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.

At a GlanceYou’ve probably wondered whether you should follow the “Don’t go to bed angry” rule and how this practice affects your mental health. Anger can wear you out, increase overnight, and interfere with your sleep, which is why clearing the air before you go to bed can be helpful. However, it can also lead to impulsive decisions and greater conflict.The best approach is to communicate about the issue, be honest with one another, and let your emotions guide what’s right for you.

At a Glance

You’ve probably wondered whether you should follow the “Don’t go to bed angry” rule and how this practice affects your mental health. Anger can wear you out, increase overnight, and interfere with your sleep, which is why clearing the air before you go to bed can be helpful. However, it can also lead to impulsive decisions and greater conflict.The best approach is to communicate about the issue, be honest with one another, and let your emotions guide what’s right for you.

You’ve probably wondered whether you should follow the “Don’t go to bed angry” rule and how this practice affects your mental health. Anger can wear you out, increase overnight, and interfere with your sleep, which is why clearing the air before you go to bed can be helpful. However, it can also lead to impulsive decisions and greater conflict.

The best approach is to communicate about the issue, be honest with one another, and let your emotions guide what’s right for you.

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There may be some truth behind this advice. Below, Dr. Romanoff outlines the benefits of practicing the “Don’t go to bed angry” rule.

Anger Can Be Exhausting

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyDBeing angry orholding a grudgecan be exhausting. Finding a way to achieve forgiveness or resolution around the situation prompting your anger can help neutralize the situation and preserve your energy.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Being angry orholding a grudgecan be exhausting. Finding a way to achieve forgiveness or resolution around the situation prompting your anger can help neutralize the situation and preserve your energy.

If youresolve your differenceswith the person you’re arguing with, you can direct your energy toward reconciling with them instead. This can help you reconnect with them and feel close to them again.

Anger Can Build Overnight

Angry emotions tend to linger more at night than during the day, when you can be distracted and busy yourself with other tasks. Taking your anger to bed can cause you to dwell on the situation and make it into a much bigger issue, which can cause you to feel worse and drag the problem into the next day.

This is especially true in the case of people who struggle tomanage negative emotions. They tend to catastrophize and go down a dark hole with their anger. Having hours to think about their frustration while sitting awake in bed at night can be problematic because it can cause them to pour gasoline on an already rampant fire.

Additionally, a 2016 study notes that sleeping on an issue overnight changes the way your brain organizes it in your memory, making it harder to reverse negative associations and memories.Nipping your anger in the bud early can prevent a buildup of negativity.

Anger Can Disrupt Your Sleep

Being angryat night can disrupt your sleep.It can make it hard for you to fall asleep, lead to poor sleep quality, and make you more prone to nightmares.

Research has found that being sleep-deprived makes it harder to regulate emotions. It also makes you more likely to react to emotional stimuli that provoke negative emotions.

It’s important to remember that anger isn’t helping you or making you ‘win’ in a given situation. In the end, your anger does far more harm to you than to the other person, robbing you of your peace and sleep.

11 Anger Management Strategies to Help You Calm Down

However, Dr. Romanoff says there are also some exceptions to the rule as there are in fact situations where it may be better to take some time before you approach the person you’re angry with. She outlines some of these scenarios below.

Anger Can Cause You to React Impulsively

Sometimes people can beimpulsivewhen they’re angry. This includes saying things they don’t mean and being hurtful to the other person. Taking space and committing to revisiting the situation at a later time when your anger levels have reduced can be productive in some situations.

The intensity of your emotions may reduce with time. Not acting impulsively in the moment can allow you to respond more effectivelyonce your anger has subsided.

This can give you time to process your emotions, think about the situation more deeply, and see if your emotional reaction or position on the situation changes with time.

Anger Is Not Something to Avoid

It is important to note that anger can be a natural response—often a valid one—to a difficult situation. It is a valuable emotion that you must give yourself and the people around you permission to feel; it is not something to avoid.

It is fine to feel angry and you don’t need to feel pressure to cap the length of your anger, which could only cause it to arise in other situations. Instead of focusing on your anger, it may be more helpful to focus on thetrigger or stimulusfor the emotion.

According to Dr. Romanoff, the “Don’t go to bed angry” rule does not work in a one-size-fits-all manner. Whether or not you should follow it depends on many factors, such as the cause of your anger, your temperament, and the circumstances.

If you’re having a disagreement or an argument with a loved one, Dr. Romanoff outlines some steps you can follow:

Communicate

The first step is to find a way tocommunicate with the other person. If it does not seem likely that a resolution will be reached, be honest with each other and hit the pause button on the argument.

Recognize that both of you need agood night’s sleepto process the situation and that you may each revisit it with a fresh perspective.

Use Your Anger as a Guide

Anger can be a useful emotionthat can guide you to locate your boundaries, speak to your values, solve problems, and provide information about what you need from the other person.

The key is to learn how to deal with it effectively and resolve it in a healthy way. Venting your anger can reinforce unhealthy patterns,but strategies like taking a break, talking about the problem, and calming yourself with relaxation techniques can help improve your ability toregulate emotionsmore effectively.

Commit to Finding a Resolution

It’s important to commit to resolving the issue instead of merely trying to avoid conflict. This meansrecognizing the emotionsthat are behind your anger in order to engage in more honest communication with the other person to move forward.

Seek Support and Comfort

If you’re having an argument orconflictwith a loved one, you may have to decide between holding on to your anger or letting go for the sake of never going to bed angry.

It can be helpful to check with the other person and see whether you can reach a resolution with them—this can help both of you release your anger and move forward, instead of carrying the negativity forward to the next day.

On the other hand, if it doesn’t seem likely that the problem will be resolved or if you or your loved one are prone to acting impulsively when you’re angry, it can be helpful to take some time to cool off, get a fresh perspective, and come back to the issue when you’re feeling calmer.

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4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Liu Y, Lin W, Liu C, et al.Memory consolidation reconfigures neural pathways involved in the suppression of emotional memories.Nat Commun. 2016;7(1):13375. doi:10.1038/ncomms13375Ottoni GL, Lorenzi TM, Lara DR.Association of temperament with subjective sleep patterns.J Affect Disord. 2011;128(1-2):120-127. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2010.06.014Bozzay ML, Verona E.Linking sleep and aggression: Examining the role of response inhibition and emotional processing.Clin Psychol Sci. 2023;11(2):271-289. doi:10.1177/21677026221100235Tonnaer F, Cima M, Arntz A.Explosive matters: does venting anger reduce or increase aggression? Differences in anger venting effects in violent offenders.J Aggress Maltreatment Trauma. 2020;29(5):611-627. doi:10.1080/10926771.2019.1575303

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Liu Y, Lin W, Liu C, et al.Memory consolidation reconfigures neural pathways involved in the suppression of emotional memories.Nat Commun. 2016;7(1):13375. doi:10.1038/ncomms13375Ottoni GL, Lorenzi TM, Lara DR.Association of temperament with subjective sleep patterns.J Affect Disord. 2011;128(1-2):120-127. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2010.06.014Bozzay ML, Verona E.Linking sleep and aggression: Examining the role of response inhibition and emotional processing.Clin Psychol Sci. 2023;11(2):271-289. doi:10.1177/21677026221100235Tonnaer F, Cima M, Arntz A.Explosive matters: does venting anger reduce or increase aggression? Differences in anger venting effects in violent offenders.J Aggress Maltreatment Trauma. 2020;29(5):611-627. doi:10.1080/10926771.2019.1575303

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Liu Y, Lin W, Liu C, et al.Memory consolidation reconfigures neural pathways involved in the suppression of emotional memories.Nat Commun. 2016;7(1):13375. doi:10.1038/ncomms13375Ottoni GL, Lorenzi TM, Lara DR.Association of temperament with subjective sleep patterns.J Affect Disord. 2011;128(1-2):120-127. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2010.06.014Bozzay ML, Verona E.Linking sleep and aggression: Examining the role of response inhibition and emotional processing.Clin Psychol Sci. 2023;11(2):271-289. doi:10.1177/21677026221100235Tonnaer F, Cima M, Arntz A.Explosive matters: does venting anger reduce or increase aggression? Differences in anger venting effects in violent offenders.J Aggress Maltreatment Trauma. 2020;29(5):611-627. doi:10.1080/10926771.2019.1575303

Liu Y, Lin W, Liu C, et al.Memory consolidation reconfigures neural pathways involved in the suppression of emotional memories.Nat Commun. 2016;7(1):13375. doi:10.1038/ncomms13375

Ottoni GL, Lorenzi TM, Lara DR.Association of temperament with subjective sleep patterns.J Affect Disord. 2011;128(1-2):120-127. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2010.06.014

Bozzay ML, Verona E.Linking sleep and aggression: Examining the role of response inhibition and emotional processing.Clin Psychol Sci. 2023;11(2):271-289. doi:10.1177/21677026221100235

Tonnaer F, Cima M, Arntz A.Explosive matters: does venting anger reduce or increase aggression? Differences in anger venting effects in violent offenders.J Aggress Maltreatment Trauma. 2020;29(5):611-627. doi:10.1080/10926771.2019.1575303

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