Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPreparing for Divorce with a NarcissistLegal Considerations and StrategiesCoping with Emotional ChallengesProtecting Children in a Divorce with a NarcissistPost-Divorce Recovery and Healing
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Preparing for Divorce with a Narcissist
Legal Considerations and Strategies
Coping with Emotional Challenges
Protecting Children in a Divorce with a Narcissist
Post-Divorce Recovery and Healing
Divorce is an emotionally traumatizing experience for anyone. But it may be more emotionally taxing if your partner is a narcissist.
Narcissists—diagnosed with or without NPD—desire both praise and applause and struggle with criticism. Their need to defend their sense of self can make conflict resolution difficult and even lead to something called narcissistic injury. “They feel abandoned and go into revenge mode,” saysKaryl McBride, PhD, LMFT, an author and clinical professional who’s specialized in narcissism for over 30 years.
Karyl McBride, PhD, LMFTThe narcissist will use control, manipulation, gaslighting, lying, and whatever form of coercion they can muster to get their way and win.
Karyl McBride, PhD, LMFT
The narcissist will use control, manipulation, gaslighting, lying, and whatever form of coercion they can muster to get their way and win.
“If that happens, they can unilaterally create havoc with the divorce process and all the professionals including the ex-partner and children," she says. “They will want to win at all costs and not be able to show empathy, even to their own children.”
Narcissistic rage may also manifest during divorce proceedings. This can look like explosive anger as well as verbal and emotional abuse. Some narcissists are good at masking their rage and instead of yelling or becoming physically violent, they’ll channel their anger into manipulation and gaslighting.
Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy process, but there are ways to prepare and available resources to use—and this article has them all for you.
Signs of Narcissistic Collapse and What to Do Next
Ifyour spouse is a narcissist, it’s important to gather as much evidence and documentation as you can before proceedings begin. Financial documents from tax returns to credit card statements should be collected, as well as text messages, emails, and any on-paper communication. Being open and transparent in court will give the judge a positive impression, which will help your case.
Eamonn McKay, MS, a mental health professional who treats clients with psychological disorders like NPD, also recommends couples therapy before a divorce officially starts. But only if it’s physically safe to do so. “Working with a therapist trained in pathological love relationships is critical at all stages, including immediately after discard, while in recovery, and preparing for court," he says.
Yes, You Can Safely Leave a Narcissist—Here’s How
Consider an attorney who understands the dynamics of narcissism, says Dr. McBride. She also advises hiring a mental health professional who specializes in narcissism, if you’re doing a custody evaluation.
While it’s important to find a divorce attorney who’s well-versed with narcissistic spouses, it’s also a good idea for you to brush up on the legal process of divorce. This will prepare you for any potential challenges you might face and give you an idea of how a narcissist might try to make the legal system more challenging.
Eamonn McKay, MS LMFTNarcissistic and abusive individuals will seek ways to manipulate the survivor, co-parent, or child.
Eamonn McKay, MS LMFT
Narcissistic and abusive individuals will seek ways to manipulate the survivor, co-parent, or child.
Narcissists desire control and are willing to do whatever to maintain it during divorce proceedings. This can look like offering false platitudes to the judge or delaying court to increase your legal fees (a win in their eyes). To avoid falling into this cycle, McKay recommends limiting what you say, particularly before any court appearances, as narcissists will often try to use your words against you. “The golden rule in all circumstances when interacting with a narcissist is ‘Silence cannot be misquoted,'" he says.
Going through a divorce can be challenging for anyone, whether you’re divorcing a narcissist or not. For this reason, Dr. McBride recommends finding a good therapist for support and maintaining clear boundaries for both the narcissistic spouse and divorce lawyer.
“The narcissist will use control, manipulation, gaslighting, lying, and whatever form of coercion they can muster to get their way and win," she explains. “Be aware and take any threats of violence seriously. Always report them. Keep telling and talking until someone listens.”
It can be difficult to identify anarcissist’s manipulation tactics, particularly if you’ve been with one for many years, but third parties—be it friends, colleagues, or your therapist—can help you.
Be aware and take any threats of violence seriously. Always report them. Keep telling and talking until someone listens.—KARYL MCBRIDE, PHD, LMFT
Be aware and take any threats of violence seriously. Always report them. Keep telling and talking until someone listens.
—KARYL MCBRIDE, PHD, LMFT
“Once you become aware of any attempts at manipulation—such as historic revisionism, gaslighting, lying, or the frontloading of narratives—you must rigidly adhere to your perception of events, and refuse to permit the abusive party any influence,” McKay says. “You can be blunt here, and simply state, ‘I know the facts as I see them, and I will not permit you to alter these.’”
And, don’t forget topractice self-care. Give yourself grace for not “seeing through” your spouse earlier. Try to do activities that make you feel happy. If you have young children, try leaving them a trusted friend or relative or—if you like—bring them along with you.
Divorcing a narcissist requires careful planning and consideration, especially when children are involved. A narcissist may try to use the children as leverage and turn them against you to gain sole custody.
It’s important to stay calm and neutral during this process. Try not to bad mouth or criticize the other parent openly. And if your children have questions, respond as neutral and objective to the best of your ability. While a narcissistic parent certainly has negative impacts on their children like an increase in anxiety and depression, the child may still love and respect the parent in question.
Furthermore, try not to overhaul the children’s routines. Children and adolescents are experiencing a sense of loss and emotional turmoil from the divorce, which can impact their well-being as adults.Maintaining your children’s usual routines—the boundaries and rules they’re used to—helps lessen the emotional effects of the divorce.
He adds that working with a therapist can help prevent NAPD if you suspect your partner attempting tomanipulate or alienate your child. And, while it can difficult to prove, you may be able to get the court or Child Protective Services involved, if there is evidence.
Therapy can be helpful both during and post-divorce, as you maneuver a new lifestyle and the stresses of co-parenting, A mental health professional can help you avoid leaning on your children for support too much and help your children cope with these changes.
How to Deal With a Narcissistic Parent
“In so-called ‘normal’ divorces, people usually take about three years to cool their jets, get over the anger, and adjust to the divorce,” Dr. McBride explains. “When divorcing a narcissist, the narcissist never gets over it, so the battle continues for years. We see multiple filings of motions to the courts.”
Thus, moving forward is difficult. However, therapy andsupport groupsfor people in similar situations will help push this healing process along. So will journaling and affirmations. Write down things that make you happy and things you’re good at—speak it out loud too!
Theperiod of post-divorceis also a great time to rediscover your freedom and sense of self. Phase out old routines and experiment, whether that’s starting a new class, learning a new language, or going on a solo vacation.
Resources and Support for Divorcing a Narcissist
The following organizations are great resources for victims of narcissistic abuse.
Keep in Mind
Divorcing a narcissist is not an easy process. However, it is often a better option than remaining in your marriage, especially since there are a lot of support and resources should you choose divorce. With these tools at your disposal, you’ll be better prepared for the journey at hand.
2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Vignando, M., & Bizumic, B. (2023).Parental narcissism leads to anxiety and depression in children via scapegoating.The Journal of Psychology,157(2), 121–141. doi:10.1080/00223980.2022.2148088Magrab, P. R. (1978).For the sake of the children: A review of the psychological effects of divorce.Journal of Divorce,1(3), 233–245. doi:10.1300/J279v01n03_03
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Vignando, M., & Bizumic, B. (2023).Parental narcissism leads to anxiety and depression in children via scapegoating.The Journal of Psychology,157(2), 121–141. doi:10.1080/00223980.2022.2148088Magrab, P. R. (1978).For the sake of the children: A review of the psychological effects of divorce.Journal of Divorce,1(3), 233–245. doi:10.1300/J279v01n03_03
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Vignando, M., & Bizumic, B. (2023).Parental narcissism leads to anxiety and depression in children via scapegoating.The Journal of Psychology,157(2), 121–141. doi:10.1080/00223980.2022.2148088Magrab, P. R. (1978).For the sake of the children: A review of the psychological effects of divorce.Journal of Divorce,1(3), 233–245. doi:10.1300/J279v01n03_03
Vignando, M., & Bizumic, B. (2023).Parental narcissism leads to anxiety and depression in children via scapegoating.The Journal of Psychology,157(2), 121–141. doi:10.1080/00223980.2022.2148088
Magrab, P. R. (1978).For the sake of the children: A review of the psychological effects of divorce.Journal of Divorce,1(3), 233–245. doi:10.1300/J279v01n03_03
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