Discernment Counseling: Definition, Techniques, Efficacy

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsTechniquesThe History of Discernment CounselingWhat Discernment Counseling Can Help WithBenefitsEffectivenessThings to ConsiderHow to Get Started

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Techniques

The History of Discernment Counseling

What Discernment Counseling Can Help With

Benefits

Effectiveness

Things to Consider

How to Get Started

Discernment counseling is a form of therapy for couples who believe they are on thebrink of a divorceand need guidance on whether or not toend the marriage.

Most instances involve couples with “mixed agendas,” in which one partner is leaning towards divorce and the other wants to remain married.

Counselors act as mediators, offering unbiased discretion for individuals with opposing viewpoints on the relationship. The counselor aids the couple in deciphering whether divorce is the best option for their marriage.

In just a few sessions, usually one to five, the therapist aids the couple in determining whether divorce is the best option for their marriage.At the conclusion of therapy, a decision is usually made whether to get a divorce or instead participate in 6 months ofmarriage counseling.

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Techniques of Discernment Counseling

The following techniques can be expected when participating in discernment counseling.

Individual Conversations

Individual conversations are designed to help each person understand the role they played in why the marriage is suffering, and to not only expect change from the other partner.

For both of those in the marriage, these conversations can help them to be more accountable andself-aware. They are able to identify unhealthy patterns of how they interact with the other person.

Individual conversations are often tailored to the partner. Couples are advised to create goals regarding the marriage.For those who are “leaning out,” counselors focus more on the decision process of whether or not to get a divorce. The therapist may ask the client to name some reasons why they feel the relationship is failing, what part they played in it, and why previous methods of reconciliation did not work.

The purpose is for them to develop constructive tactics when interacting with their spouse during the conflict.

Relationship Assignment

When couples have intentions to reconcile the marriage, they are asked to make a written list of habits they would like to change in themselves that could benefit the marriage.

If couples are hoping to reconcile they may also have assessments like an alcohol assessment, interventions such as a couples retreat, or individual therapy.

If couples are deciding to divorce, the therapist helps them to create a plan of how they both would like to cooperate throughout thedivorceprocess and aspects that are the most important to consider. Couples may express the importance of considering the children, or the need to remain respectable in public.

He found that even though couples have already filed for a divorce, many were still uncertain, which he referred to as “mixed agenda” couples.

A lot of these couples have already done marriage counseling and at least one person didn’t feel a need to return. This is when Doherty explained he works with “mixed agenda” couples to help partners reach a common space when one is “leaning in” while the other is “leaning out.” The attorneys felt that a great number of their clients needed something like this and would be willing to give it a try.

They eventually referred to this intervention as “discernment counseling.”

Discernment counseling can help with issues regarding:

Benefits of Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling can be beneficial for discussing difficult topics, such asinfidelity, feeling as if you’ve grown apart, and processing resentment that has developed due to past situations.

Most couples seek discernment counseling because it can help reach a neutral agreement for those on opposing ends of divorce.

Discernment counseling offers the benefits of marriage counseling, in which couples are able tostrengthenrelationship skills such as communication and consideration, and helping individuals heal, forgive, and express compassion.

Along with offering the same benefits as traditional marriage counseling, it also helps with understanding each other’s perspective of the condition of the marriage and views on divorce.

Those who divorced after discernment counseling often find themselves appreciative of the sessions, for whom discernment counseling helped enable cooperation during the process of divorce andpost-divorce.

Having a good post-divorce relationship is also beneficial forco-parenting, and for entering into anew relationshipafter the divorce due to having a greater understanding of the self.

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Although there isn’t much research on discernment therapy and why most people decide to seek this form of therapy, there is evidence that shows effectiveness to those who have decided to get a divorce after completing the sessions.Individuals reported that it helped them be cordial with one another post-divorce and instilltrustas well as enabled cooperation during the divorce process.

Another study found that most individuals seek marriage counseling because of difficulties in communication and compassion towards one another.

In regards to couples battling the decision of divorce, some evidence suggests that traditional marriage counselors may not be as effective as discernment counseling.

Couples may seek out discernment counseling or be referred to a counselor, but there are times in which therapists determine a need for discernment counseling during marriage counseling.

If divorce appears to be on the table for a couple, discernment counseling is the most beneficial therapy in determining the next steps for the future of the marriage.

A discernment counselor does not make the decision for the individuals of whether to remain married or not, but instead guides the couple in developing clarity and a sound perspective so that they can make the determination.

This could be a decision to get the divorce, do marriage counseling, or keep the marriage as it is. It is important to not enter into counseling with intentions for the therapist to come to a conclusion for the marriage. Whether to terminate the marriage or move forward with it will take a willingness to be open and honest about feelings, concerns, and conflicts that exist between the couple.

The purpose of discernment counseling is not to work on intimacy or relationship issues, since most couples have already gone through marriage counseling, but to focus on whether or not divorce is the right option. Couples are encouraged to not enter counseling with high expectations for changes in their relationships or for the “leaning out” partner to have different feelings towards divorce.

Discernment counseling is to help develop clarity and perspective towards divorce before actually going through with it.

If you’re ready to get started with discernment therapy, here’s what you can do:

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Doherty WJ, Harris SM.Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships.American Psychological Association.2017. doi:10.1037/0000029-000Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Wilde JL.Discernment counseling for “mixed-agenda” couples.Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.2015;42(2): 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132©2015Doss BD, Simpson LE, Christen A.Why do couples seek marital therapy?.Research and Practice.2004; 35(6): 608-614.Emerson AJ. Harris SM, Ahmed FA.The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: Experiences of post-divorce communication and coparenting.Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.2021;47(1): 36-51. doi:10.1111/jmft.12463Edwards C.The Integration of Discernment Counseling and Emotionally Focused Therapy: Attachment-Based Therapy with Mixed Agenda Couples.Contemp Fam Ther. 2021. doi:10.1007/s10591-021-09610-9

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Doherty WJ, Harris SM.Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships.American Psychological Association.2017. doi:10.1037/0000029-000Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Wilde JL.Discernment counseling for “mixed-agenda” couples.Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.2015;42(2): 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132©2015Doss BD, Simpson LE, Christen A.Why do couples seek marital therapy?.Research and Practice.2004; 35(6): 608-614.Emerson AJ. Harris SM, Ahmed FA.The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: Experiences of post-divorce communication and coparenting.Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.2021;47(1): 36-51. doi:10.1111/jmft.12463Edwards C.The Integration of Discernment Counseling and Emotionally Focused Therapy: Attachment-Based Therapy with Mixed Agenda Couples.Contemp Fam Ther. 2021. doi:10.1007/s10591-021-09610-9

Doherty WJ, Harris SM.Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships.American Psychological Association.2017. doi:10.1037/0000029-000Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Wilde JL.Discernment counseling for “mixed-agenda” couples.Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.2015;42(2): 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132©2015Doss BD, Simpson LE, Christen A.Why do couples seek marital therapy?.Research and Practice.2004; 35(6): 608-614.Emerson AJ. Harris SM, Ahmed FA.The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: Experiences of post-divorce communication and coparenting.Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.2021;47(1): 36-51. doi:10.1111/jmft.12463Edwards C.The Integration of Discernment Counseling and Emotionally Focused Therapy: Attachment-Based Therapy with Mixed Agenda Couples.Contemp Fam Ther. 2021. doi:10.1007/s10591-021-09610-9

Doherty WJ, Harris SM.Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships.American Psychological Association.2017. doi:10.1037/0000029-000

Doss BD, Simpson LE, Christen A.Why do couples seek marital therapy?.Research and Practice.2004; 35(6): 608-614.

Emerson AJ. Harris SM, Ahmed FA.The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: Experiences of post-divorce communication and coparenting.Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.2021;47(1): 36-51. doi:10.1111/jmft.12463

Edwards C.The Integration of Discernment Counseling and Emotionally Focused Therapy: Attachment-Based Therapy with Mixed Agenda Couples.Contemp Fam Ther. 2021. doi:10.1007/s10591-021-09610-9

Hannah Owens, LMSW

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Techniques of Discernment Counseling#

Individual Conversations#

Relationship Assignment#

Benefits of Discernment Counseling#

Techniques of Discernment Counseling

Individual Conversations

Relationship Assignment

Benefits of Discernment Counseling