Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is Detachment?Why Detachment Is ImportantDetachment Is Not Kind Nor UnkindEffectivenessHow to Practice Detachment
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
What Is Detachment?
Why Detachment Is Important
Detachment Is Not Kind Nor Unkind
Effectiveness
How to Practice Detachment
Detachment is a way of setting boundaries with a person who has an addiction. It can be difficult, but it can be a helpful way to protect yourself and preserve your relationship with a person who has a substance use problem.
For friends and family of a person dealing with alcohol or drugaddiction, detachment can be a difficult concept to grasp. In the context of the Al-Anon program, “detach with love” is the idea that the family has to let go of their loved one’s problem.
It gives you permission to let them experience any consequences associated with their drinking or drug use and focus on your own health and well-being.
At a Glance
Detachment means creating a boundary and stopping reacting to the other person’s behaviors. Detachment allows family members and friends to create psychological and emotionalboundariesthat allow them to offer support to their loved one while still protecting their own well-being.
This process involves stepping back and avoiding enabling behaviors. By detaching, family members separate themselves from the chaos that addiction brings.
Rather than becoming emotionally, psychologically, or financially drained, loved ones refuse to involve themselves in their loved one’s addictive behaviors. For example, they won’t make excuses when a loved one is too hungover to go to work or provide money to cover that person’s financial obligations.
They also detach emotionally from the situation. They still love and support their addicted family member, but they no longer feel responsible for their behavior or internalize that person’s struggles.
Detachment is similar in some ways to other family interventions, such as theCRAFT method. CRAFT encourages family members to use positive reinforcement to encourage good behaviors and employ natural consequences.
The Importance of Detachment
If you’ve dealt with someone’sprogressive alcoholism(severe alcohol use disorder) or drug use, it might be hard to imagine finding happiness while the substance misuse continues. This is especially true when you have tried everything possible to keep the situation from growing worse.
The stress and exhaustion associated with caring for someone with an addiction can be overwhelming. It may lead to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy behaviors or unsafe living conditions for your family.
The reality ofliving with alcoholismor any other addiction usually often means dealing with one crisis after another. While you may feel like you’re constantly in rescue mode, learning to detach relieves you of the responsibility to protect them.
Those who take part in Al-Anon long enough come to realize that detachment is important for the family’s emotional well-being. It also helps you understand that there is no way for you to control the addiction.
What is Al-Anon?
As the Al-Anon literature says, “Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person’s alcoholism can have upon our lives.”
Detachment does not mean you stop loving the person and it doesn’t mean physically leaving (unless you feel the need).
Instead, it demonstrates that you don’t like or approve of their behavior. It is stepping back from all the problems associated with addiction and stopping any attempts to solve them. You still care, but it is best for everyone involved if youtake care of yourselffirst.
Many times, family members find that they have become too involved with the addictive behavior. TheAl-Anon programteaches people to “put the focus on ourselves” and not on the person with alcoholism or on anyone else.
This is done through a number of key points that members pick up in meetings:
For example, if your family member shows up for work late or missing it entirely becomes a habit, detachment teaches you that it’s not your responsibility to cover for them. It also applies to making excuses and trying to fix situations, as well as avoiding arguments.
By putting the focus back on yourself, you protect yourself from the abusive behavior andstop enablingit. It’s a way of taking some of the power away from them so they’re not able to manipulate you.
Ideally, detaching from this person will help them see how their negative behavior affects everyone around them. As Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous teach, it’s important to have the wisdom to know the difference between the things you can and can’t change.
How to Stop Enabling
Does Detachment Really Help?
When you’re considering detachment, you might be concerned about what happens to your loved one after you detach yourself from them. Maybe you think all of the things you did over these years to “help” that will be wasted. Or, you might have fears about what crisis—jail, hospitalization, death, etc.—may be next.
Your concerns are valid and show your love and dedication to a person dealing with addiction. However, you have to put yourself and your family—especially if that family includes children—first.
This is very difficult and, on the clearheaded side of addiction, you probably know what should or should not happen, but thislogic may be lost to the person with the disease. They need to want to change themselves and find the help needed to do that.
Your goal is to be there when they do need you and to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually strong when they’re ready for recovery. When you learn to detach, you can find relief from much of the pain, stress, and anxiety, and realize that you deserve to treat yourself right.
This will not happen overnight. It requires time, a lot of patience and love, and support to help you along the way. As they say in the program, “It’s simple, but it ain’t easy.” You don’t have to do it alone.
Detaching from a person with an addiction can vary depending on your relationship, the severity of the addiction, and how the behaviors are affecting your life. In order to detach, it is important to:
Stop enabling: Even if the person is facing serious consequences as a result of their addiction, you need to avoid making excuses or protecting them from facing the reality of their behaviors.
While you have detached from the problem, you can continue to encourage your loved one to seek treatment for their addiction. Provide information and encouragement. Remind them how much they have to gain if they talk to a professional and start the treatment process.
Keep in Mind
Is Tough Love Effective in Treating Addiction?
3 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Al-Anon Family Groups.Detachment (S-19).
Meet Our Review Board
Share Feedback
Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit
Was this page helpful?
Thanks for your feedback!
What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit
What is your feedback?
