Dealing With a Partner Who Doesn't Want Change

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsCommon IssuesHow to RespondConversation StrategiesIf They Agree to TryShould You End the Relationship?

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Common Issues

How to Respond

Conversation Strategies

If They Agree to Try

Should You End the Relationship?

Close

If your answer is “yes” to all or most of these questions, it sounds like you have a spouse or partner who either refuses or is not motivated to change. This can create problems that create conflict, hurt your relationship satisfaction, and potentially destroy your relationship.

It is important to find ways to address the issues with your partner and explore options that can help you cope and plan your next steps.

“Change can be a scary word for many people,” explainsCarol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, a psychotherapist at Kaiser Permanente in Rockville, Maryland. “It’s is a difficult topic and should be managed with great sensitivity.”

Here’s how to recognize the signs that something needs to change, how to approach having this conversation with your partner, and what to do if your partner does not want to adjust their behavior.

Issues That Damage a Relationship

The frustration of your partner’s lack of follow-through on good intentions, saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship. This frustration can be heightened if your partner refuses to seek couples counseling with you.

What can you do when faced with a partner who has a serious problem ortroubling behavior? Here are some examples of a partner’s behavior that could destroy or cause major friction in a relationship:

If your partner won’t change, isn’t willing to work on improving your relationship, or won’t seek help, you may be on the path to abreakupor divorce. There are no easy answers when your partner can see no reason for a change.

As a Relationship Coach, Here Are 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Is Already Over

If your relationship is suffering, it is essential to start taking steps if you want to prevent an unhappy relationship from taking a toll on your mental well-being. Some ways you can respond that can help include

Remember You Can’t Change Your Partner

It’s important to accept that you can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your partner to change.However, it is not your responsibility to change your partner. You can find ways to support them, but it is up to them to make the change.

Try responding differently to difficult situations. If you’ve had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If you haven’t expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your partner.

Sometimes, adjusting your own response to your partner’s behavior can shift the conversation in ways that are helpful.

Know Yourself

Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your relationship if things don’t improve.

Consider individual counseling to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your relationship, and to clarify your plans for your future.

Decide which of your partner’snegative behaviorsyou can live with and which ones aredeal-breakers. Determine if you can adjust to the irritating and hurtful situations in your relationship.

“Try rating the issue to determine how much that particular issue impacts you on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 equals the greatest severity,” Simmons recommends. “This will help you prioritize the issues and gain clarity on whether these are deal-breakers or if you are willing to compromise.”

How to Boost Your Self-Awareness

Face The Issues

Your partner may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are. When sharing your love for your partner, express your concerns and fears about the future of your relationship. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.

Talking about your concerns is not always easy, especially if it is a sensitive topic or if the problem has been simmering for a long time. The only way to change the situation is to tell your partner how you feel and then have a serious discussion about what you can do, both as individuals and as partners, to address the problem.

Don’t postpone having a conversation with your partner. Instead, try to identify the behaviors that are creating problems in your relationship and initiate a conversation about what you can both do to improve the situation.

Strategies for Difficult Conversations

So how should a person approach the conversation where they ask their spouse or partner to change? “During any discussion around change with your partner, it is important to discuss the positive aspects as well as the things that are not working well that have led to the discussion about change,” Simmons suggests.

Consider starting the conversation with the things that you appreciate about your partner. Then you can move on to talking about the things that cause conflict in your relationships and provide examples of things that are challenging for you.

Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser PermanenteBe careful to limit the discussion to only one or two items requiring consideration of change and avoid having a laundry list of grievances. Be mindful that the outcome may not be exactly what you are seeking and might require several conversations and compromise.

Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser Permanente

Be careful to limit the discussion to only one or two items requiring consideration of change and avoid having a laundry list of grievances. Be mindful that the outcome may not be exactly what you are seeking and might require several conversations and compromise.

Dr. John Gottman, a clinical psychologist and founder of the Gottman Institute, says your communication patterns can predict the success of your relationship.When uncomfortable topics come up, try these tips for constructive communication:

After you have a conversation, the next step involves trying things to improve the situation. This might involve allowing your partner to make changes on their own.

Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser PermanenteYou might find it helpful to offer your partner ways to support behaviors that would help them achieve a long-term change. For example, if you want your partner to reduce their anxiety and make time for themselves more often, offer to watch the kids while your partner does something he or she enjoys.

You might find it helpful to offer your partner ways to support behaviors that would help them achieve a long-term change. For example, if you want your partner to reduce their anxiety and make time for themselves more often, offer to watch the kids while your partner does something he or she enjoys.

“Couples may also consider couples counseling to help them work through the issue, either lessening the intensity, establishing boundaries, or eliminating the challenge,” Simmons suggests.

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At what point should a person consider ending a relationship if their partner refuses to change? Simmons notes that ending a relationship is a difficult and personal choice. There’s no simple answer, but there are steps people can take to help make the choice that is right for them.

Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser PermanenteEnding a relationship may be necessary if the issue is a major deal-breaker for you that goes against your values or needs in the relationship, or if your partner’s behavior puts you or your family in danger.

Ending a relationship may be necessary if the issue is a major deal-breaker for you that goes against your values or needs in the relationship, or if your partner’s behavior puts you or your family in danger.

Re-Evaluate

If things are not going well when the two of you are ready to re-evaluate your relationship issues, think about these questions:

Perhaps the greatest decider is how willing your partner is to engage in the process of saving your relationship. If they won’t change, won’t make any effort to improve the relationship, and you’ve already explored other options such as couples counseling, then Simmons suggests it’s time to consider ending the relationship for your own sake.

“If you have a gut feeling that the relationship is no longer healthy or fulfilling, despite your best efforts to make it work, it may be time to consider ending the relationship and seeking out a healthier and more fulfilling one,” she recommends.

Keep in Mind

There are no easy answers when only one of you is willing to address your relationship issues. There are things that you can do that may help improve your ability to cope with the situation, but ending the relationship is also an option. Only you can decide what is right for you.

7 Surprising Ways to Make Your Relationship Even Better

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Resources for Families Coping with Mental and Substance Use Disorders. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.American Psychiatric Association.Helping a loved one cope with a mental illness.Gottman J, Silver N.The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers; 1999.Karney BR.Keeping Marriages Healthy, and Why It’s So Difficult.Psychological Science Agenda.

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Resources for Families Coping with Mental and Substance Use Disorders. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.American Psychiatric Association.Helping a loved one cope with a mental illness.Gottman J, Silver N.The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers; 1999.Karney BR.Keeping Marriages Healthy, and Why It’s So Difficult.Psychological Science Agenda.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Resources for Families Coping with Mental and Substance Use Disorders. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.American Psychiatric Association.Helping a loved one cope with a mental illness.Gottman J, Silver N.The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers; 1999.Karney BR.Keeping Marriages Healthy, and Why It’s So Difficult.Psychological Science Agenda.

Resources for Families Coping with Mental and Substance Use Disorders. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

American Psychiatric Association.Helping a loved one cope with a mental illness.

Gottman J, Silver N.The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers; 1999.

Karney BR.Keeping Marriages Healthy, and Why It’s So Difficult.Psychological Science Agenda.

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