Dealing with narcissists in general is difficult, but when thatnarcissist is your mother, there is an extra layer of confusion and pain.
Children naturally look up to their parents as role models, so they struggle to understand when they aremistreated. Children often internalize the mistreatment they receive as their own fault. This can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and a distorted sense of self-worth.
set Boundaries
When the child of a narcissist enters adulthood, the relationship between parent and child often becomes a complex web of abuse, affection, co-dependency, and manipulation.
As an adult, you may have considered cutting ties with your mother to protect your mental and emotional well-being. But, you might think it’s “wrong” or “unfair” to distance yourself from her.
You mayfeel indebtedto her because she birthed and nurtured you. She may tell you that she “gave up so much for you” or that she is “the only person who really knows and understands you.”
Unfortunately, narcissistic parents often manipulate their children’s emotions and use guilt as a way to maintain control over them and ensure their sources ofnarcissistic supplystay in place.
Narcissists generally have very low motivation to change, so you need to accept that you may not be able to change your mother or make her understand your perspective. This can be painful, but accepting this reality can help you focus on your growth and happiness.
You must learn to establish a sense of self that is separate from your mother’s and let go of the need for her approval.
You can do a lot of this work on your own, but it is often helpful to get the support of a mental health professional.
“Find someone that you really trust to share your parts of your story with because then you’ll start to feel understood and that is really the gateway to starting to change your life. I think education is the most important thing to start off with as knowledge is power. The more you know, the better you’ll start to feel.”
Establishing Boundaries
Typically, the best way to deal with narcissists is to not engage with them at all. However, this advice is not always possible in a parent-child relationship.
Nevertheless, to protect and rebuild your mental health and self-esteem, you must learn how to establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively to your mother.
Building boundaries is not always easy as it can cause a lot of anxiety and guilt. As such, it might be helpful to work on boundary setting with a therapist.
Make sure that you start small and remember that this process will take time and patience. Be firm about what you will and will not tolerate.
Describe what you want, what you do not want, where your responsibilities lie, and where they end.
Boundaries can make you feel safe, give you a sense of self-worth, and protect you from further manipulation and abuse.
Implementing Boundaries
When you have established your boundaries, you can start to implement them. It might feel uncomfortable at first and you may feel a sense guilty or shame.
When you are ready, communicate a boundary to your mother. When communicating your boundaries, be clear, direct, and assertive.
Remember that you do not need to justify yourself. Your mother may have birthed and raised you, but you have the right to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being.
Your mother will likely rebel, resisting or ignoring your boundaries. She may even become angry, defensive, or attempt to manipulate you. Stay true to your boundaries and seek support from others who understand your situation.
If you said you will not share details of your love life with her, and she keeps pressing for information, remind her of your boundaries. Try not to react to her tantrums and manipulation.
Remember that setting and enforcing boundaries takes time and practice. Be compassionate with yourself as you navigate this process. You deserve to have your boundaries respected and your well-being prioritized.
How Do You Emotionally Detach From a Narcissistic Mother?
Emotionally detaching from your mother can be complex and challenging because of the intrinsic closeness between a parent and child.
This process can take time and patience. You may want to consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse and family dynamics.
Whether you are navigating this process alone or with a mental health professional, here are some points to consider:
What Others Have Said
The following are quotes from participants with narcissistic mothers who took part in qualitative research (Lyons et al., 2023&Määttä et al., 2020).
These participants share what helped them recover and how they have learned to cope:
“The actual change toward better life started to happen when I moved away from my home place, to over 900 km away to study.”
”I have not visited my birth place in almost ten years which has helped me to create a healthy self-image and self-esteem.”
“The current situation is that I am still in contact with my mother but I am matter-of-fact and do not tell her anything about me anymore. It works somehow but I still feel bad inside. I hope that get rid of this distress when she is gone.”
“I do still notice myself looking for ‘mom’; mother’s love, mother’s attention etc. Nowadays, I recognize that and am conscious about it. Still 20 years ago, I did not. Now she does not fool me anymore, we are not fighting anymore, which makes her perplexed.”
“It was until this winter that I found my way to the peer support group for the victims of narcissists. It is time shake off the childhood and youth dreadfulness. I do not want these things to follow me in the grave.”
“It has been important to move on to my own life and strengthen my own dreams. In my life, I can make solutions and changes. Also, helping other people in the same situation is rewarding. My childhood experiences help me understand others. Providing experiences of joy, justice, and caring to other victims of narcissists give me energy.”
“After finding the illness called narcissism, I have been able to be stronger in front of my mother.”
“Only about at the age of 40, I realized that my mother is a narcissist. It was a huge relief to get a name to this sickness.”
“Upon therapy and further analysis, I came to realise that I associate family with entrapment, living to serve others, not pursuing your dreams, depression… Marriage and family mean prison, and all the negative emotions that go with that”
“…I realised that it is ridiculous to convince others that my childhood abuse and resulting PTSD is not that bad… Because it was that bad, it wasn’t my fault, and my narcissistic family does not define me”
“I had an epiphany when I realised that I wasn’t just worthy of love, but I was a goddamn catch! I was nice, cute, enthusiastic in bed, smart, loyal, good cook, and financially independent. I could and should be picky. I should find someone worthy of me”
Should I Cut Off My Narcissistic MotherIn some people’s experience, cutting off their narcissistic mothers was the only way they could recover and live healthier and happier lives.However, for many people, the thought of cutting ties with their mother is unbearable, which is understandable.It is nonetheless important that you find a way to navigate these challenges, so you can enjoy better mental health and well-being.
Should I Cut Off My Narcissistic Mother
In some people’s experience, cutting off their narcissistic mothers was the only way they could recover and live healthier and happier lives.However, for many people, the thought of cutting ties with their mother is unbearable, which is understandable.It is nonetheless important that you find a way to navigate these challenges, so you can enjoy better mental health and well-being.
In some people’s experience, cutting off their narcissistic mothers was the only way they could recover and live healthier and happier lives.
However, for many people, the thought of cutting ties with their mother is unbearable, which is understandable.
It is nonetheless important that you find a way to navigate these challenges, so you can enjoy better mental health and well-being.
Sources
Fabrizio, K. (2023)The Good Daughter Syndrome.Raleigh, NC: Makers Mark Press.
Jabeen, F., Gerritsen, C. & Treur, J. (2021) Healing the next generation: an adaptive agent model for the effects of parental narcissism.Brain Informatics.8, 4.
Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2021). The link between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analytic review.Psychological Bulletin. Advance online publication.
Kriesberg, S. M. (2022).Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Quiet the Critical Voice in Your Head, Heal Self-doubt, and Live the Life You Deserve. New Harbinger Publications.
Lyons, M. & Brewer, G. & Hartley, A.M. & Blinkhorn, V. (2023). “Never Learned to Love Properly”: A Qualitative Study Exploring Romantic Relationship Experiences in Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.Social Sciences. 12. 159.
Mahler, M., Pine, F. & Bergman, A. (1975).The psychological birth of the human infant. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Määttä, S. M. A., & Uusiautti, S. (2018). “My life felt like a cage without an exit”: narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother.Early child development and care.
Scott Hoffman, M., Hanson, B. J., Brotherson, S. E., & Zehnacker, G. (2021). Boundaries.Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 9(3), 229-252.
Stossel, C., & Litton, K. (Hosts). (2023, May 02). Narcissistic Mothers with Stephanie Kriesberg, PhD (No. 33) [Audio podcast episode]. InEvidence-Based. New Harbinger Publications. https://open.spotify.com/show/6nqaLLxgKTN4dfotRsVWjG
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Julia Simkus
BA (Hons) Psychology, Princeton University
Julia Simkus is a graduate of Princeton University with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. She is currently studying for a Master’s Degree in Counseling for Mental Health and Wellness in September 2023. Julia’s research has been published in peer reviewed journals.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
