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Mental Health HomepageConditions LibraryConditions CategoryConditions CategoryDating a Man with Depression: What You Need to Know and Do
Table of Contents:OverviewThe Depression Coming Out ConversationWhat You Need to Know About Anyone with DepressionSome Tendencies Men Are More Likely to HaveWhat You Can Do About It (Applies to Men and Women)If You Love Him, It’s Worth It
DepressionRead Time: 12 Minutes
Published On: April 24, 2022
Reviewed On: April 24, 2022
Updated On: January 25, 2024
OverviewUpdated on 3/24/2022When you date a man withdepression, it can become a struggle to maintain a relationship with him and protect your own mental health. The experience is not fundamentally different from dating someone without a mental illness, but there are issues that are more likely to arise.By understanding these issues and knowing how to respond, you can support your depressed boyfriend without threatening the relationship or your emotional wellbeing.Note: We discuss the following insights in the context of dating men, but they apply equally to women. Scroll further down to read about behaviors and situations you are more likely to encounter with men only. Also, realize you are not guaranteed to encounter these issues when you date someone with depression. Depression simply increases their likelihood. We also wrote anarticle about issues you are more likely to encounter with women only.
Overview
Updated on 3/24/2022
When you date a man withdepression, it can become a struggle to maintain a relationship with him and protect your own mental health. The experience is not fundamentally different from dating someone without a mental illness, but there are issues that are more likely to arise.
By understanding these issues and knowing how to respond, you can support your depressed boyfriend without threatening the relationship or your emotional wellbeing.
Note: We discuss the following insights in the context of dating men, but they apply equally to women. Scroll further down to read about behaviors and situations you are more likely to encounter with men only. Also, realize you are not guaranteed to encounter these issues when you date someone with depression. Depression simply increases their likelihood. We also wrote anarticle about issues you are more likely to encounter with women only.
The Depression Coming Out Conversation
Whether you ask or deduce it after months of dating, there will be a point when your partner discloses they deal with depression. It’s a crucial moment in the relationship, so be sensitive anddo not judge. Thank him for trusting you with this information he has most likely not shared with many people. See it as the beginning of a discussion you can resurface occasionally.
What is the biggest cause of depression?
Read “10 Misleading Assumptions About Mental Illness: Learn the Truth”
What You Need to Know About Anyone with DepressionHe Might Interpret Neutral Things In a Negative WayDepression often works like a game of telephone where no one wins.One person says something nice. The person with depression would love to receive this kindness as it is, but their depression has set up a series of negative filters. By the time the kind words reach the person with depression, the filters have mutated it into something negative such as an insult or affirmation of their negative beliefs. Dating makes the situation even more difficult because there is more vulnerability.Evgueni Borissenko, who has dealt with severe depression and blogged about it, talked about what this can be like in cases such as his.“Even if you think you have answers, they can turn your answers around and turn them into problems of their own,” Borissenko said, describing how severely depressed men might respond to positive support.If this happens, choose your words carefully. Tell him exactly what you mean and explain why what you are saying is positive. If his response seems like an attack, resist the feeling to be defensive. This is vital because attacking back can exacerbate his depression.Stay calmand ensure he knows exactly what you are trying to express.Depression Might Make Him Feel Unworthy of Your LoveBecause depression tends to affect people’s sense of worth, it can make him believe he does not deserve love.“In this emotional space, dating becomes a chore,” said therapist Paul Hokemeyer. “It’s viewed as yet another problem rather than a solution to free you from depression’s parasitic grasp.”If you feel the man you are dating is afflicted with this attitude, be patient. Show him he deserves love that will free him and make his life better rather than becoming another burden.He Does Not Want to Be DepressedDepression is not a choice. If any man with depression had a choice, he would choose to be rid of it.One of the most hurtful things you can do to a man with depression is say that it is his fault, that he could choose to be better if his will or character was stronger. Men have a responsibility to try to overcome their depression symptoms so they don’t negatively affect the ones they love. Even the strongest men, however, are not immune to illness and cannot cure it alone.If the behavior hurts you emotionally, you should know he most likely did not intend to, said matchmaker Cassie Moffit, who has successfully matched couples with mental illness. Knowing this will allow you to be more patient and understanding.Depression Can Make Him Seem Like a Different PersonMoffit described the effects of depression on dating as a “third person in the relationship,” someone unbearably negative or obstinate. There might be days when it seems like this third person possesses your partner, trying his best to disrupt the relationship or come between the two of you.Without excusing the behavior, be patient and understand this person is not at the core of who your man is. He wants to be free of this person.You Don’t Need to Stay With HimProtecting your mental health is more important than being with him, no matter how much it seems like he has become everything to you. If the relationship is bringing you a feeling of pain over happiness — despite attempts to make it healthy — leaving is the right decision.It might seem like you are abandoning him, leaving him at the mercy of his depression and without your love to protect him. Nonetheless, men have a responsibility to work with those they love to overcome depression and make it more manageable. You should leave any man who is not doing enough to make the relationship work, and men who suffer from depression are no exception.Depression and Antidepressants Can Affect SexIf your partner uses a treatment for depression such as antidepressants, it might affect the sexual part of your relationship. It can make him not want to have sex as often or seem less satisfied with it, psychiatrist Grant H. Brenner told Talkspace.Remember, this problem does not mean he isn’t attracted to you sexually. It’s the result of a chemical imbalance or a side effect of medication. There should be no blame.Read ourTalkspace therapist’s advice on improving your sex life
What You Need to Know About Anyone with Depression
He Might Interpret Neutral Things In a Negative Way
Depression often works like a game of telephone where no one wins.
One person says something nice. The person with depression would love to receive this kindness as it is, but their depression has set up a series of negative filters. By the time the kind words reach the person with depression, the filters have mutated it into something negative such as an insult or affirmation of their negative beliefs. Dating makes the situation even more difficult because there is more vulnerability.
Evgueni Borissenko, who has dealt with severe depression and blogged about it, talked about what this can be like in cases such as his.
“Even if you think you have answers, they can turn your answers around and turn them into problems of their own,” Borissenko said, describing how severely depressed men might respond to positive support.
If this happens, choose your words carefully. Tell him exactly what you mean and explain why what you are saying is positive. If his response seems like an attack, resist the feeling to be defensive. This is vital because attacking back can exacerbate his depression.Stay calmand ensure he knows exactly what you are trying to express.
Depression Might Make Him Feel Unworthy of Your Love
Because depression tends to affect people’s sense of worth, it can make him believe he does not deserve love.
“In this emotional space, dating becomes a chore,” said therapist Paul Hokemeyer. “It’s viewed as yet another problem rather than a solution to free you from depression’s parasitic grasp.”
If you feel the man you are dating is afflicted with this attitude, be patient. Show him he deserves love that will free him and make his life better rather than becoming another burden.
He Does Not Want to Be Depressed
Depression is not a choice. If any man with depression had a choice, he would choose to be rid of it.
One of the most hurtful things you can do to a man with depression is say that it is his fault, that he could choose to be better if his will or character was stronger. Men have a responsibility to try to overcome their depression symptoms so they don’t negatively affect the ones they love. Even the strongest men, however, are not immune to illness and cannot cure it alone.
If the behavior hurts you emotionally, you should know he most likely did not intend to, said matchmaker Cassie Moffit, who has successfully matched couples with mental illness. Knowing this will allow you to be more patient and understanding.
Depression Can Make Him Seem Like a Different Person
Moffit described the effects of depression on dating as a “third person in the relationship,” someone unbearably negative or obstinate. There might be days when it seems like this third person possesses your partner, trying his best to disrupt the relationship or come between the two of you.
Without excusing the behavior, be patient and understand this person is not at the core of who your man is. He wants to be free of this person.
You Don’t Need to Stay With Him
Protecting your mental health is more important than being with him, no matter how much it seems like he has become everything to you. If the relationship is bringing you a feeling of pain over happiness — despite attempts to make it healthy — leaving is the right decision.
It might seem like you are abandoning him, leaving him at the mercy of his depression and without your love to protect him. Nonetheless, men have a responsibility to work with those they love to overcome depression and make it more manageable. You should leave any man who is not doing enough to make the relationship work, and men who suffer from depression are no exception.
Depression and Antidepressants Can Affect Sex
If your partner uses a treatment for depression such as antidepressants, it might affect the sexual part of your relationship. It can make him not want to have sex as often or seem less satisfied with it, psychiatrist Grant H. Brenner told Talkspace.
Remember, this problem does not mean he isn’t attracted to you sexually. It’s the result of a chemical imbalance or a side effect of medication. There should be no blame.
Read ourTalkspace therapist’s advice on improving your sex life
Some Tendencies Men Are More Likely to Have
Men with Depression Don’t Want You to ‘Fix’ Them
No one with depression wants a partner to “fix” them because depression does not mean being broken. The intention of fixing someone may be good, but it can make the person with depression feel you are looking down on them or don’t accept them.
This bothers both sexes, but it seems to irritate men significantly more, according to the therapists and men Talkspace interviewed.
“Women who are ‘fixers’ have actually been a trigger for me that makes my depression worse,” said TED talk mental health speaker Mike Veny.
There is a difference between supporting someone’s recovery and trying to “take away” their problems or change them, Veny said.
They Can Be More Irritable
All of the therapists Talkspace spoke to described men with depression as being more irritable on average than their female clients.
They can “fly off the handle or have a short fuse,” said therapist Roudabeh Rahbar. She also used words including “moody” and “touchy” to describe male clients.
Therapist Candice Christiansen said they often had more anger issues and struggled with being “too serious” about the subject of depression oranxiety.
Men often hide depression because they see it as a sign of weakness, Christiansen said, but the symptoms tend to seep out in the form of irritability and fatigue.
They Look for More Distractions and Can Seem Disinterested or Mentally Aloof
Men also use distractions to remove themselves from the pain of depression. This can make them seem disinterested or oblivious.
His mind was “far away,” she said, and hers was not much closer at times.
Because the depression itself can be a distraction, there are other times when men with depressive symptoms can seem disinterested in those they are dating.
“When depressed, I tend to focus more on myself and why I’m this way than I focus on others,” said author G. H. Francis, who deals with symptoms of depression as a result of his schizoaffective disorder.
Francis warned people who datemen with depressionto not mistake this lack of attention as a sign the man doesn’t care.
What You Can Do About It (Applies to Men and Women)
When These Things Happen, Don’t Assume It Is Your Fault
When someone says something negative or seems disinterested in the relationship, it’s hard not to think it’s because of you. But remember, you did not cause their mental health condition. It existed before you met him.
Because depression can feel like a third person in the relationship, you might need a healthy amount of space. This can alleviate the irritability issue mentioned earlier.
Consider Seeing a Therapist
It seems ironic, right? Shouldn’t he be the one seeing a therapist?
It’s also an opportunity to take steps towards asking him to join you forcouples therapy. Again, this might be easier than convincing him to see a therapist alone.
Read “The Truth About People Who Go to Therapy: 11 Misconceptions and Myths”
Consider couples counseling
If you find that his depression is negatively impacting your relationship, you might want to consider going to couples counseling.
Yes! Any couple, regardless of their relationship status, can attend counseling and get medical advice. You can choose to go to counseling for any issue that you feel like you and your partner can’t solve — or could be helped with a trained, objective, unbiased perspective. Couples therapy is beneficial for any kind of relationship, including: straight or gay relationships, interracial relationships, young teen or college relationships, relationships with a large age gap, relationships that are at any stage, including dating, engaged, or married
Couples counselingcan really work if both parties enter counseling with a communicative, empathetic mindset. Couples counseling has been proven to be an effective resource to overcome the most challenging aspects of relationships and to promote a more secure attachment. Couples counseling using Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) is roughly 75% successful based on self-report surveys according to the American Psychological Association. Therapy helps couples deepen their emotional andsexual intimacy, experience more satisfaction with theirrelationship, and nurture healthier habits. It is worthy to note, however, that couples who are in abusive relationships (either physical or emotional) shouldn’t expect an improvement with therapy until the abusive behavior stops.
Then the Bigger Challenge: Convincing Him to See a Therapist (And Doing It the Right Way)
The stigma of therapy and mental illness creates a field filled with landmines for anyone who wants to convince a loved one to see atherapist. To walk across without blowing up the relationship, take the steps we outlined in this guide: “How to Encourage Your Loved One to Start Therapy.”
Try Psychological Techniques In or Outside the Context of Therapy
There are many strategies couples can use to stop depression from sucking the joy and fun from their relationship. After all, it can be disappointing when your man suddenly decides he doesn’t feel well enough to go out on that evening you planned for weeks or says your idea for a fun trip sounds unpleasant or not worth it.
If the number he offers is higher than the prediction, it’s a great opportunity to show how depression does not need to stop a relationship from being fun and joyful. It might also chip away at the negative beliefs he uses to maintain the depression.If he insists on not trying the original plan, there is a way to ensure you aren’t disappointed. Relationship expert April Masini recommended always having a Plan B, especially when dating a man with depression.
“None of us are robots and just because we agree to something in a moment doesn’t mean we won’t feel differently in another moment,” Masini said. “Keeping commitments needs to be balanced with managing depression.”
Regardless of the specific strategy, anything you try should be an effort to reduce stress, maintain a happy relationship and make symptoms easier to manage rather than changing who he is.
If You Love Him, It’s Worth It
It seems daunting, but these are the only situations you should prepare for. They are not guaranteed to happen. Either way, you’ll know how to protect your mental health and do your best to make things work with your man.If your partner is struggling with depression and it’s impacting your relationship, consideronline couple’s counselingwith a licensed therapist — a convenient, inexpensive way to get your relationship back on track.
Joseph RauchStaff Writer at Talkspace
Staff Writer at Talkspace
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