Coping With the Stress Children Add to a Marriage

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsChallengesRelationship StressorsWhat Children AddCoping With Marriage Problems

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Challenges

Relationship Stressors

What Children Add

Coping With Marriage Problems

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Sometimes the addition of kids can lead to marriage problems you may not have expected. It’s a common experience: You had awonderfully romantic relationship—then you add kids to the mix and everything’s a little more stressful, less romantic, and less satisfying.

Some of the problems that couples face after having children include:

Adding children to the mix will bring a couple closer together, but not always in the ways you might expect. While marriage problems can be common after kids are born, there are steps you can take to protect your relationship.

Challenges of Marriage With Children

The hard truth is that a large proportion of people find that children create a significant amount of stress in their relationship, particularly when the kids are young.

According to researcher Matthew Johnson of Binghamton University in his book,Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex, and Marriage, research shows that this is commonplace. There is also a decrease in relationship satisfaction following the birth of the first child.

Here are some more specifics:

Top Relationship Stressors for Parents

There are many factors that go into this dip in satisfaction, and they are not the same for everyone. However, certain stressors are particularly taxing on a relationship and an individual. The following stressors are particularly challenging.

Less Time Together

This can obviously take a toll on the connection they feel as they’re less free to spontaneously have fun, or enjoy leisurely days together, even on the weekends.

Less Time Solo

Having kids often means that parents have less time to spend on themselves. This can mean less time for things like travel and hobbies, but also for basic self-care including fitness and relaxation.

When one or both partners are not functioning at their best, particularly if this lasts for a prolonged amount of time, it can take a toll on the relationship.

How to Cope With Parental Anxiety and Stress

More Demands on the Partnership

When a child enters the relationship, couples need to divide up responsibilities in caretaking,even if both agree that the bulk of the work should fall on the shoulders of one parent while the other focuses more on earning money.

This can lead to a feeling that the couple is more of a functional partnership than a romantic partnership as couples begin to feel a little more like roommates than soulmates. Because of these additional demands and the negotiation that’s needed, there’s a greater chance of conflict.

Additionally, when partners have different responsibilities, it’s possible for one or the other to feel resentful if they feel they’re working harder.

Without a frame of reference for what the other partner is dealing with, it’s easier for new parents to feel that they should be handling things differently and feel frustrated as a result.

Special Circumstances

Not everyone experiences the following challenges, but they can put a particular strain on a family. These are special circumstances that create significant additional stress:

What If I Regret Having Kids?

What Children Add to a Marriage

The good news is that, although some studies show that marital satisfaction doesn’t rise significantly until children leave the nest,having children is worth the effort in other ways.

Children Enhance Our Altruism

Other research shows that giving to others and expressingaltruismis beneficial for our overall well-being,and having children certainly provides opportunities to give of ourselves.

Children Reduce the Likelihood of Divorce

While new parents may feel less happy, they are also less likely to divorce following children.This may be because they are more motivated to keep their partnership together for the sake of their children.

Regardless of the reasons, this increased commitment can help them weather the challenges they face and maintain their connection until happier times return.

Parents Themselves Say It’s Worth It

While these challenges can be difficult for a couple to face, virtually all parents say the sacrifices they make are worth it and they couldn’t (or wouldn’t want to) imagine their lives without their kids.

They say their children bring their life meaning. This can bring significant benefits as research shows that those who have meaning in their lives tend to be happier.

Coping With Post-Kids Marriage Problems

If you’re feeling stressed or that there is some strain on your relationship, you’re not alone and you’re not necessarily doing something wrong. There are many things you can and should do to safeguard your own happiness and your connection to your partner.

Managing the stress you face as parents can help you to preserve the happiness you’ve had, and to build more positive feelings and experiences from here on.

While these things may be difficult to do, especially when you feel burdened with responsibility, they are worth it. After all, marriage problems in themselves are a burden so taking these steps may help alleviate them.

Find Social Support

Your partner isn’t the only one who can help you to increase your relationship bliss. Family members, friends, and even people you hire can help you to stress less and enjoy your time together more. Here are some ideas to keep things happier.

Practice Self Care

It is important for you to take care of yourself and your own needs, and not just those of your children. It’s important to keep your body in good health so you have the physical and emotional stamina to do what needs to be done.

Work on Maintaining Balance

There is a lot of talk about “balance,” but that is because it is so important for stress management. That means maintaining a balance in all areas: balancing work with play, balancing meeting your needs with your kids' needs and your partner’s needs, balancing time spent away from home and time spent with family, and other balances.

Here are some important forms of balance to focus on.

Focus on Your Frame of Mind

The way you look at things can greatly affect your relationship and your overall happiness. In this case, there are many ways that you can focus on maintaining the right frame of mind. Any of the following can raise your level of relationship satisfaction.

A Word From Verywell

Remind yourself that there may be sacrifices, but it’s worth the effort. Savoring your good times with your partner and children is the best way to be sure the challenges and stresses don’t weigh down your relationship. In the end, your relationship and your life are what you make of them.

The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and Tested

11 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kowal M, Groyecka-Bernard A, Kochan-Wójcik M, Sorokowski P.When and how does the number of children affect marital satisfaction? An international survey.PLoS One. 2021;16(4):e0249516. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0249516Johnson MD.Great myths of intimate relationships: Dating, sex, and marriage. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley-Blackwell; 2016.Bogdan I, Turliuc MN, Candel OS.Transition to parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analysis.Front Psychol. 2022;13:901362. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.901362Johansson M, Svensson I, Stenström U, Massoudi P.Depressive symptoms and parental stress in mothers and fathers 25 months after birth.J Child Health Care. 2017;21(1):65–73. doi:10.1177/1367493516679015Sorokowski P, Randall AK, Groyecka A, et al.Marital satisfaction, sex, age, marriage duration, religion, number of children, economic status, education, and collectivistic values: Data from 33 countries.Front Psychol. 2017;8:1199. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01199Lévesque S, Bisson V, Charton L, Fernet M.Parenting and relational well-being during the transition to parenthood: challenges for first-time parents.J Child Fam Stud. 2020;29(7):1938-1956. doi:10.1007/s10826-020-01727-zNewkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG.Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.Sex Roles. 2017;76(5):319–333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3Bouchard G.A dyadic examination of marital quality at the empty-nest phase.Int J Aging Hum Dev. 2018;86(1):34-50. doi:10.1177/0091415017691285Post SG.It’s good to be good: science says it’s so. Research demonstrates that people who help others usually have healthier, happier lives.Health Prog. 2009;90(4):18–25.Xu Q, Yu J, Qiu Z.The impact of children on divorce risk.J Chin Sociol.2015;2(1). doi:10.1186/s40711-015-0003-0Medvedev ON, Landhuis CE.Exploring constructs of well-being, happiness and quality of life.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4903. doi:10.7717/peerj.4903

11 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kowal M, Groyecka-Bernard A, Kochan-Wójcik M, Sorokowski P.When and how does the number of children affect marital satisfaction? An international survey.PLoS One. 2021;16(4):e0249516. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0249516Johnson MD.Great myths of intimate relationships: Dating, sex, and marriage. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley-Blackwell; 2016.Bogdan I, Turliuc MN, Candel OS.Transition to parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analysis.Front Psychol. 2022;13:901362. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.901362Johansson M, Svensson I, Stenström U, Massoudi P.Depressive symptoms and parental stress in mothers and fathers 25 months after birth.J Child Health Care. 2017;21(1):65–73. doi:10.1177/1367493516679015Sorokowski P, Randall AK, Groyecka A, et al.Marital satisfaction, sex, age, marriage duration, religion, number of children, economic status, education, and collectivistic values: Data from 33 countries.Front Psychol. 2017;8:1199. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01199Lévesque S, Bisson V, Charton L, Fernet M.Parenting and relational well-being during the transition to parenthood: challenges for first-time parents.J Child Fam Stud. 2020;29(7):1938-1956. doi:10.1007/s10826-020-01727-zNewkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG.Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.Sex Roles. 2017;76(5):319–333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3Bouchard G.A dyadic examination of marital quality at the empty-nest phase.Int J Aging Hum Dev. 2018;86(1):34-50. doi:10.1177/0091415017691285Post SG.It’s good to be good: science says it’s so. Research demonstrates that people who help others usually have healthier, happier lives.Health Prog. 2009;90(4):18–25.Xu Q, Yu J, Qiu Z.The impact of children on divorce risk.J Chin Sociol.2015;2(1). doi:10.1186/s40711-015-0003-0Medvedev ON, Landhuis CE.Exploring constructs of well-being, happiness and quality of life.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4903. doi:10.7717/peerj.4903

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Kowal M, Groyecka-Bernard A, Kochan-Wójcik M, Sorokowski P.When and how does the number of children affect marital satisfaction? An international survey.PLoS One. 2021;16(4):e0249516. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0249516Johnson MD.Great myths of intimate relationships: Dating, sex, and marriage. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley-Blackwell; 2016.Bogdan I, Turliuc MN, Candel OS.Transition to parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analysis.Front Psychol. 2022;13:901362. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.901362Johansson M, Svensson I, Stenström U, Massoudi P.Depressive symptoms and parental stress in mothers and fathers 25 months after birth.J Child Health Care. 2017;21(1):65–73. doi:10.1177/1367493516679015Sorokowski P, Randall AK, Groyecka A, et al.Marital satisfaction, sex, age, marriage duration, religion, number of children, economic status, education, and collectivistic values: Data from 33 countries.Front Psychol. 2017;8:1199. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01199Lévesque S, Bisson V, Charton L, Fernet M.Parenting and relational well-being during the transition to parenthood: challenges for first-time parents.J Child Fam Stud. 2020;29(7):1938-1956. doi:10.1007/s10826-020-01727-zNewkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG.Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.Sex Roles. 2017;76(5):319–333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3Bouchard G.A dyadic examination of marital quality at the empty-nest phase.Int J Aging Hum Dev. 2018;86(1):34-50. doi:10.1177/0091415017691285Post SG.It’s good to be good: science says it’s so. Research demonstrates that people who help others usually have healthier, happier lives.Health Prog. 2009;90(4):18–25.Xu Q, Yu J, Qiu Z.The impact of children on divorce risk.J Chin Sociol.2015;2(1). doi:10.1186/s40711-015-0003-0Medvedev ON, Landhuis CE.Exploring constructs of well-being, happiness and quality of life.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4903. doi:10.7717/peerj.4903

Kowal M, Groyecka-Bernard A, Kochan-Wójcik M, Sorokowski P.When and how does the number of children affect marital satisfaction? An international survey.PLoS One. 2021;16(4):e0249516. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0249516

Johnson MD.Great myths of intimate relationships: Dating, sex, and marriage. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley-Blackwell; 2016.

Bogdan I, Turliuc MN, Candel OS.Transition to parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analysis.Front Psychol. 2022;13:901362. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.901362

Johansson M, Svensson I, Stenström U, Massoudi P.Depressive symptoms and parental stress in mothers and fathers 25 months after birth.J Child Health Care. 2017;21(1):65–73. doi:10.1177/1367493516679015

Sorokowski P, Randall AK, Groyecka A, et al.Marital satisfaction, sex, age, marriage duration, religion, number of children, economic status, education, and collectivistic values: Data from 33 countries.Front Psychol. 2017;8:1199. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01199

Lévesque S, Bisson V, Charton L, Fernet M.Parenting and relational well-being during the transition to parenthood: challenges for first-time parents.J Child Fam Stud. 2020;29(7):1938-1956. doi:10.1007/s10826-020-01727-z

Newkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG.Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.Sex Roles. 2017;76(5):319–333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3

Bouchard G.A dyadic examination of marital quality at the empty-nest phase.Int J Aging Hum Dev. 2018;86(1):34-50. doi:10.1177/0091415017691285

Post SG.It’s good to be good: science says it’s so. Research demonstrates that people who help others usually have healthier, happier lives.Health Prog. 2009;90(4):18–25.

Xu Q, Yu J, Qiu Z.The impact of children on divorce risk.J Chin Sociol.2015;2(1). doi:10.1186/s40711-015-0003-0

Medvedev ON, Landhuis CE.Exploring constructs of well-being, happiness and quality of life.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4903. doi:10.7717/peerj.4903

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