Coping With Political Differences in Your Romantic Relationship

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsYour Partner’s Views ChangeFinding Common GroundIf Politics Are Hurting Your RelationshipsPropaganda Manipulation

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Your Partner’s Views Change

Finding Common Ground

If Politics Are Hurting Your Relationships

Propaganda Manipulation

Close

At a GlancePolitical differences in your relationship don’t have to mean it’s the end, but you may need to find ways to “find common ground” if your partner views the world differently.

At a Glance

Political differences in your relationship don’t have to mean it’s the end, but you may need to find ways to “find common ground” if your partner views the world differently.

If you’ve found yourself in the middle of a politicaldisagreement in your relationship, it can be hard to know where to turn. Verywell Mind spoke with Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT, a relationship therapist and author of the bookFirst Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love, to find out more about how couples can work past political differences.

In this interview, Chlipala explains how couples can handle it when one person’s views have changed over time and offers insight into how to know if it’s time to end the relationship.

How to Talk With Your Partner About Differing Political Beliefs

If you’re looking tofind common groundor just want to better understand your partner’s side of the political spectrum, it’s best to be honest and upfront about your expectations from the beginning of your relationship.

Anita A. Chlipala, LMFTIt may take more than one conversation, I recommend [having] brainstorming sessions where you throw out ideas without judgment. Both of you can determine what your areas of flexibility are and see if any overlap to determine common ground.

Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT

It may take more than one conversation, I recommend [having] brainstorming sessions where you throw out ideas without judgment. Both of you can determine what your areas of flexibility are and see if any overlap to determine common ground.

In other words, while you and your partner may never agree with one another 100% of the time, there are still ways for you both to bring your beliefs to the table with mutualrespect.

When Your Partner’s Views Have Changed Over Time

One of the hardest aspects of long-term relationships is watching a person grow in a way that does not follow your own beliefs. While it’s an important detail to take note of, it does not always mean that you’re nearing the end of the relationship.

“It’s inevitable for people to grow and change, and couples need to be flexible to accommodate the ways that their partner changes throughout their relationship,” says Chlipala.

While you need to make sure that your partner’s beliefs have not veered in a direction that could cause anyone harm, focus your energy on understanding. Make it clear thathonesty and vulnerabilityare your priorities.

Chlipala says that the same goes for the person whose views have changed—they need to be mindful that their partner can’t be expected to suddenly be on the same page.

Studies have shown that when people differ in their political views, including how they vote, it can negatively affect a relationship. This is true for friends, family, and romantic partners. However, research has also suggested that some relationships are resilient to many stressors, including opposing politics.

Finding common ground may feel impossible, but if you are with a partner that you love, it’s worth aiming for. Chlipala suggests couples spend timetrying to understandthe other person’s point of view. However, that does not mean that you need to agree with them. Chlipala suggests asking your partner a few questions that will hopefully help you understand why they believe what they believe:

These questions can help you identify common ground and build on it. “Sometimes people think they’re farther apart than they really are,” says Chlipala. “Through conversations, talk about your values and how your political view influences your day-to-day life.”

See if you can find some middle ground, too. Having different political views won’t necessarily affect your relationship or day-to-day life.

When Political Beliefs Are Hurting Your Relationship

If your political beliefs are starting to interfere with your relationship, it’s time to talk to your partner about it. If you’ve already talked and tried to work out your differences, you may need to be honest about whether you can be together.

According to Pew Research, most Americans are fine with people in their family having different political views. According to data from 2014, about 9% of Americans said they would not be happy if a family member married a Republican, and 8% felt that way about a family member marrying a Democrat.

Chlipala says it’s time to consider ending the relationship “if you feel criticized or feel like your partner has contempt toward you, and they are unwilling to accept your perspective.”

Make note if you’re constantly criticizing your partner or vice versa. If you’re the one criticizing, tell your partner that you’ve recognized it and that you’re taking accountability for your behavior. If they’re the ones criticizing and they don’t see it, you may need to be the one to point it out.

“Criticism and contempt aretoxic relationshipbehaviors, and if they aren’t stopped, [they] can create irreparable damage,” says Chlipala. “Also, if your non-negotiables oppose each other and you and your partner exhausted all options in terms of trying to find [a] middle ground, [it might be time to consider breaking up].”

Make sure you’re honest with your partner, even if you feel like they won’t accept what you’re saying.

“Sometimes, people can minimize or hide what they really need because they don’t want to lose a relationship,” says Chlipala. “It’s important that the person you are dating knows the real you, even if it means that your stance is adeal-breakerfor them.”

Political differences in a relationship can go deeper when they also reflect deep division in your values, beliefs, and worldviews. If you find that your differences with your partner are truly irreconcilable, you’ll need to consider the possibility that the relationship can’t be saved.

How to Tell if Someone Is Lying

If Your Partner Has Been Manipulated By Propaganda

If your partner is suddenly acting out in ways that are negatively affecting their life beyond your relationship, the situation might be more serious.

What to Look Out For

Propaganda works because something about the message communicates with people’s inner hopes or fears.You need to keep this in mind when you’re communicating with your partner about their beliefs.

In the bookBeyond Your Bubble: How to How to Connect Across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work, Tania Isreal describes how to start conversations that promote understanding:

There are also some practical things to think about before having a conversation that could quickly become emotionally charged.

First, find a place to talk where you both feel safe and at ease. Then, make sure you choose a time when you’re both in the right headspace.

You can set some rules and boundaries about talking politics. For example, you may want to avoid having a conversation if you’ve both had a stressful day, neither of you slept well, or you just had drinks at dinner.

If you don’t feel like the conversation will be productive or you’re concerned about it escalating, it might be time to reach out to a professional for support.

Going to therapy with your partner gives you a neutral, safe space to talk. You’ll also get some outside insight into whether your relationship can withstand the differences and learn tools you can use to work through the challenges.

10 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Chlipala AA.First Comes Us. Relationship Reality 312; 2017.Afifi TD, Zamanzadeh N, Perez Torrez D, et al.Explaining the impact of differences in voting patterns on resilience and relational load in romantic relationships during the transition to the Trump presidency.[Article]. 2020;37(1). doi:10.1177/02654075198465.Murray E.How differences in political ideology impact close relationships. Undergraduate Honors Theses, Theses, Dissertations, & Master Projects. May 2021.Fangmeier TL, Stanley SM, Knopp K, Rhoades GK.Political party identification and romantic relationship quality.Couple Family Psychol.2020;9(3):167-180. doi:10.1037/cfp0000141. [PMCID: PMC8266382].Pew Research Center.Political polarization and personal life.Huber GA, Malhotra N.Political homophily in social relationships: Evidence from online dating behavior.UVA.How politics drive our personal relationships – and even where we live.Hobbs R.“A most mischievous word”: Neil Postman’s approach to propaganda education.Harvard Kennedy School Misinformation Review. Published online April 22, 2021. doi:10.37016/mr-2020-65Israel T.Beyond Your Bubble : How to Connect across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work. American Psychological Association; 2020.APA.Why we fall for fake news: Hijacked thinking or laziness?.

10 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Chlipala AA.First Comes Us. Relationship Reality 312; 2017.Afifi TD, Zamanzadeh N, Perez Torrez D, et al.Explaining the impact of differences in voting patterns on resilience and relational load in romantic relationships during the transition to the Trump presidency.[Article]. 2020;37(1). doi:10.1177/02654075198465.Murray E.How differences in political ideology impact close relationships. Undergraduate Honors Theses, Theses, Dissertations, & Master Projects. May 2021.Fangmeier TL, Stanley SM, Knopp K, Rhoades GK.Political party identification and romantic relationship quality.Couple Family Psychol.2020;9(3):167-180. doi:10.1037/cfp0000141. [PMCID: PMC8266382].Pew Research Center.Political polarization and personal life.Huber GA, Malhotra N.Political homophily in social relationships: Evidence from online dating behavior.UVA.How politics drive our personal relationships – and even where we live.Hobbs R.“A most mischievous word”: Neil Postman’s approach to propaganda education.Harvard Kennedy School Misinformation Review. Published online April 22, 2021. doi:10.37016/mr-2020-65Israel T.Beyond Your Bubble : How to Connect across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work. American Psychological Association; 2020.APA.Why we fall for fake news: Hijacked thinking or laziness?.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Chlipala AA.First Comes Us. Relationship Reality 312; 2017.Afifi TD, Zamanzadeh N, Perez Torrez D, et al.Explaining the impact of differences in voting patterns on resilience and relational load in romantic relationships during the transition to the Trump presidency.[Article]. 2020;37(1). doi:10.1177/02654075198465.Murray E.How differences in political ideology impact close relationships. Undergraduate Honors Theses, Theses, Dissertations, & Master Projects. May 2021.Fangmeier TL, Stanley SM, Knopp K, Rhoades GK.Political party identification and romantic relationship quality.Couple Family Psychol.2020;9(3):167-180. doi:10.1037/cfp0000141. [PMCID: PMC8266382].Pew Research Center.Political polarization and personal life.Huber GA, Malhotra N.Political homophily in social relationships: Evidence from online dating behavior.UVA.How politics drive our personal relationships – and even where we live.Hobbs R.“A most mischievous word”: Neil Postman’s approach to propaganda education.Harvard Kennedy School Misinformation Review. Published online April 22, 2021. doi:10.37016/mr-2020-65Israel T.Beyond Your Bubble : How to Connect across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work. American Psychological Association; 2020.APA.Why we fall for fake news: Hijacked thinking or laziness?.

Chlipala AA.First Comes Us. Relationship Reality 312; 2017.

Afifi TD, Zamanzadeh N, Perez Torrez D, et al.Explaining the impact of differences in voting patterns on resilience and relational load in romantic relationships during the transition to the Trump presidency.[Article]. 2020;37(1). doi:10.1177/02654075198465.

Murray E.How differences in political ideology impact close relationships. Undergraduate Honors Theses, Theses, Dissertations, & Master Projects. May 2021.

Fangmeier TL, Stanley SM, Knopp K, Rhoades GK.Political party identification and romantic relationship quality.Couple Family Psychol.2020;9(3):167-180. doi:10.1037/cfp0000141. [PMCID: PMC8266382].

Pew Research Center.Political polarization and personal life.

Huber GA, Malhotra N.Political homophily in social relationships: Evidence from online dating behavior.

UVA.How politics drive our personal relationships – and even where we live.

Hobbs R.“A most mischievous word”: Neil Postman’s approach to propaganda education.Harvard Kennedy School Misinformation Review. Published online April 22, 2021. doi:10.37016/mr-2020-65

Israel T.Beyond Your Bubble : How to Connect across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work. American Psychological Association; 2020.

APA.Why we fall for fake news: Hijacked thinking or laziness?.

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