Coping With Complicated Feelings as an Adoptive Parent

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsThe Complicated Emotions of Being an Adoptive ParentComplicating FactorsHow to Cope With These Feelings

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

The Complicated Emotions of Being an Adoptive Parent

Complicating Factors

How to Cope With These Feelings

Adoptioncan be a long, complicated, and emotionally draining process. After working toward your goal for so long, it’s hard to imagine being anything but overjoyed with happiness when the process is complete and you finally bring your child home.

However, as you and your child settle into your new life together, you might be surprised to find that your joy is also tinged with other emotions. But don’t worry, these feelings are nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. Being an adoptive parent can come with complicated feelings.

According to a 2019 study, while there is awareness about the postpartum mental health issues biological parents face, the mental health challenges of post-adoptive parents tend to go under-recognized.

While adoptive parents may experience many of the same feelings as biological parents, there are some emotional experiences and challenges that are unique to adoptive parents.

Coping With Complicated Feelings as an Adoptive Parent

Here are some of the emotions adoptive parents may experience in the aftermath of the adoption, according toSabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.

Identity Conflict

Many adoptive parents struggle with conflicts of identity. Adoptive parents may struggle with owning the role of a parent on a physical and emotional level.

This is especially common in parents who have not experienced the physical process of pregnancy. This can be further complicated in open adoption cases, where the adoptive parents must negotiate their roles with their child’s biological parents.

Guilt

Guiltis a commonly experienced emotion, particularly toward the child’s birth parents.

Adoptive parents tend to feel guilt toward their children’s biological parents as the more they bond with the child and grow to love them, the more they grow to fear the loss of that connection. In turn, the adoptive parents feel sympathy for the biological parents and feel guilty for taking away their child.

Depression and Anxiety

Many adoptive parents experience feelings of depression and anxiety after bringing their child home.

Post-adoption depression (PAD) occurs when the expectation and excitement of finally bringing their child home clashes with the realities of parenthood, which can include lack of sleep, disrupted routines, immense responsibilities, andincreased stress levels.

Adoptive parents might experience the impact of these stressors more strongly because the process of adoption tends to be so arduous that they may criticize themselves for feeling anything less than happy and grateful for having their child home with them.

Dr. Romanoff lists some of the factors that can further complicate the emotional experiences of adoptive parents:

Honest Adoption Language vs. Positive Adoption Language

Dr. Romanoff shares some strategies that can help adoptive parents cope with complicated emotions.

Accept That Your Feelings Are Normal

Anxiety, guilt, and irritation are completely normal emotions that are extremely common among adoptive parents. When you’re anticipating something you’ve invested a tremendous amount of time and energy into, you may fall short in preparing yourself for things that will not go according to plan.

It’s important to learn to manage emotions in these instances and realize that they do not have to occupy the driver’s seat with the way you react and make decisions in the future.

Manage Your Expectations of Parenthood

Don’t build upunreasonable expectationsand set yourself up for disappointment. Resist the urge to create an ideal version of yourself as a parent, as it will inevitably lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Remember that perfect is unattainable, and instead, aim towards being a good enough parent.

Parenthood isn’t easy and it certainlytakes a village. You may have the urge to isolate yourself if you’re struggling; however, this further exacerbates stressors and can make your situation more difficult to manage.

Instead, reach out to family and friends for help and advice, and to vent. Share your anxieties, worries, and struggles with them. This can not only help you process these difficult emotions but also enables you to maintain an emotional connection with the important people in your life.

Seek Help

If you need help, one option is to attend asupport groupfor adoptive parents. It can be validating and normalizing to hear similar concerns among people who are adjusting to parenthood under the same circumstances as you.

Support groups provide a safe environment for you to share your feelings, receive feedback, and learn new strategies to manage common problems. Additionally, these groups can help you connect with other new parents and give you the opportunity to meet and learn from more experienced adoptive parents, who can serve as role models.

Therapyis another option that can be incredibly helpful to new adoptive parents in this situation. It can offer a safe space for you to explore your conflicting emotions.

I Am Grateful To Be Adopted—and Yet, Adoption Is Still Traumatic

Don’t Worry, It’s All Normal

Excitement, joy, andgratitudeare some of the emotions you expect to feel when you bring your adopted child home. However, you may find yourself feeling guilty, depressed, or anxious instead. These feelings can be confusing, and you may feel even more guilty with regard to the child’s biological parents or when you consider everything you went through during the adoption process.

Additionally, raising a child is a lot of responsibility and you might struggle to cope with the role of being a new parent. During the course of the adoption process, it’s easy to picture yourself as a super parent, who excels at everything effortlessly. However, when the time comes, you might find yourself feeling out of your depth.

It’s important to understand that you’re not alone; these feelings are common among adoptive parents. Be kind to yourself and allow for imperfections. Do the best you can and seek the help and support of loved ones when you need it. You can also join a support group or see a therapist if you’re having a hard time coping.

How Family Therapy Works

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Anthony RE, Paine AL, Shelton KH.Depression and anxiety symptoms of British adoptive parents: a prospective four-wave longitudinal study.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019;16(24):5153. doi:10.3390/ijerph16245153Foli KJ, South SC, Lim E, Jarnecke A.Post-adoption depression: parental classes of depressive symptoms across time.J Affect Disord. 2016;200:293-302. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2016.01.049

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Anthony RE, Paine AL, Shelton KH.Depression and anxiety symptoms of British adoptive parents: a prospective four-wave longitudinal study.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019;16(24):5153. doi:10.3390/ijerph16245153Foli KJ, South SC, Lim E, Jarnecke A.Post-adoption depression: parental classes of depressive symptoms across time.J Affect Disord. 2016;200:293-302. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2016.01.049

Anthony RE, Paine AL, Shelton KH.Depression and anxiety symptoms of British adoptive parents: a prospective four-wave longitudinal study.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019;16(24):5153. doi:10.3390/ijerph16245153Foli KJ, South SC, Lim E, Jarnecke A.Post-adoption depression: parental classes of depressive symptoms across time.J Affect Disord. 2016;200:293-302. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2016.01.049

Foli KJ, South SC, Lim E, Jarnecke A.Post-adoption depression: parental classes of depressive symptoms across time.J Affect Disord. 2016;200:293-302. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2016.01.049

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Identity Conflict#

Guilt#

Depression and Anxiety#

Accept That Your Feelings Are Normal#

Manage Your Expectations of Parenthood#

Build a Social Support System#

Seek Help#

Don’t Worry, It’s All Normal#