Can Your Attachment Style Change?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsChanging Your Attachment StyleFactors Influencing Attachment Style ChangeResearch on Attachment Style ChangeHow to Change Your Attachment StyleChallenges and Limitations of Attachment Style Change

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Changing Your Attachment Style

Factors Influencing Attachment Style Change

Research on Attachment Style Change

How to Change Your Attachment Style

Challenges and Limitations of Attachment Style Change

When it comes to attachment, we can haveone of four stylesthat dictate how we interact in close relationships. As an adult, this is especially true for romantic relationships. If we have ananxious (or preoccupied) attachment stylewe may be accused of being clingy, but it’s our fear of being rejected that leads to this behavior; if we have anavoidant (or dismissive) attachment style, we may seem indifferent or distance yourself in relationships, but it’s because we’re trying to protect ourselves from abandonment; and if we have adisorganized (or fearful-avoidant) stylewe might volley between anxious and avoidant behaviors creating a push-and-pull dynamic within a relationship.

If we have any of the three insecure attachment styles, we likely want to change our attachment style to reflect more of the fourth: secure attachment style. Who doesn’t want to feel safe and secure in our relationships, right? The good news is it can be done. But it takes time, effort, and often the help of a good therapist.

Though attachment style is often presented as fixed, in reality, it is possible to change your style. As marriage and family therapistRachel Goldbergexplains, this can happen at any point in your life. “For example, if a child has asecure attachmentand then their caregiver dies suddenly or a child with special needs enters the picture, it can lead to a fear of being abandoned at any moment, resulting in the development of an insecure attachment.”

It’s more likely, though, that attachment style will change in adulthood. This could be a case of secure attachment changing toinsecure attachment. “For example,” says Goldberg, “a couple in a healthy and secure relationship might experience a drastic change if one partner begins to abuse substances and becomes a completely different person, altering the dynamics of the relationship significantly.”

Moving from insecure to secure attachment, however, takes conscious work.

Katelyn Kivett, a licensed professional counselor in Connecticut and a licensed clinical mental health counselor in North Carolina observes, “When individuals become aware of their attachment patterns and… behaviors they’re able to consciously move toward healthier behaviors.”

This is called earned secure attachment. “As individuals move towards [the] behavior of secure attachment, such assetting boundariesand engaging in healthy independence and intimacy,” says Kivett, “they’re able to earn secure attachment.”

Coping With an Insecure Attachment Style

The Painful Effects of Attachment Trauma

There are and continue to be a wide variety of studies on changes in attachment style. According to Goldberg, the most famous of these is theMinnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptationfrom the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development. While the study didn’t exclusively look at attachment style change, there are several publications that came out of it on this topic.

For example, van Ryzin, Carlson, and Sroufe conducted research about attachment discontinuity across individuals from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study that showed that stressors across time led to changes in individuals’ attachment styles.

How a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Life

Changing your attachment style from one of the three insecure styles to earned secure attachment can be challenging. Both Goldberg and Kivett agree that the first step is to understandyour current attachment styleand the behaviors that go with it. Once you’re aware of the behaviors you’d like to change, you can begin to do so.

Goldberg says thattherapycan be highly beneficial in helping you change your attachment style. “It not only offers insight into someone’s patterns," Goldberg explains, “but also creates a consistent, safe, and healthy environment that can model healthy boundaries and facilitate repair — all hallmarks of secure attachment.”

As individuals move towards [the] behavior of secure attachment, such as setting boundaries and engaging in healthy independence and intimacy, they’re able to earn secure attachment.—KATELYN KIVETT, LPC (CONNECTICUT), LCMHC (NORTH CAROLINA)

As individuals move towards [the] behavior of secure attachment, such as setting boundaries and engaging in healthy independence and intimacy, they’re able to earn secure attachment.

—KATELYN KIVETT, LPC (CONNECTICUT), LCMHC (NORTH CAROLINA)

In addition, Goldberg observes, “enhancing self-esteem through achieving goals, practicing self-care, expressing gratitude, and helping others…, improving communication skills, learning to express emotional needs, and establishing boundaries are also effective methods for individuals working to change their attachment style.”

Basically, anything you can do to improve your sense of security and reduce the feeling that others are threats can help you achieve the change you desire.

Attachment style is often deeply ingrained since childhood, and therefore, difficult to change. This can lead to challenges when you try to change your attachment style.

While the shift may not be as drastic as it might have been before attaining earned secure attachment, the person still will have those old feelings of insecurity. This is because that person still remembers those feelings, but hasn’t experienced them in their relationship until now.

A Father’s Adult Attachment Style May Be Directly Related to Anxiety in Children

Wrapping Up

Our attachment style can change. In fact, we can even experience different attachment styles with different people depending on how they treat us and how we interact. It is possible to go from an insecure to an earned secure style of attachment as long as we have self-compassion and surround ourselves with positive, secure people.

While the shift might not be easy, it’s possible. It’s an ongoing process that we may find ourselves working on for the rest of our lives. But with the right tools and support, we can achieve healthier relationships and feel safer in our connections.

If you or a loved one are struggling with attachment issues, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Here’s How to Heal an Anxious Attachment Style, According to a Relationship Coach

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Van Ryzin MJ, Carlson EA, Sroufe LA.Attachment discontinuity in a high-risk sample.Attachment & Human Development. 2011;13(4):381-401. doi:10.1080/14616734.2011.584403New item …Waters E, Merrick S, Treboux D, Crowell J, Albersheim L.Attachment security in infancy and early adulthood: a twenty‐year longitudinal study.Child Development. 2000;71(3):684-689. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00176Kilner JM, Lemon RN.What we know currently about mirror neurons.Current Biology. 2013;23(23):R1057-R1062. doi:10.1016/j.cub.2013.10.051Child Mind Institute.What is co-regulation?

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Van Ryzin MJ, Carlson EA, Sroufe LA.Attachment discontinuity in a high-risk sample.Attachment & Human Development. 2011;13(4):381-401. doi:10.1080/14616734.2011.584403New item …Waters E, Merrick S, Treboux D, Crowell J, Albersheim L.Attachment security in infancy and early adulthood: a twenty‐year longitudinal study.Child Development. 2000;71(3):684-689. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00176Kilner JM, Lemon RN.What we know currently about mirror neurons.Current Biology. 2013;23(23):R1057-R1062. doi:10.1016/j.cub.2013.10.051Child Mind Institute.What is co-regulation?

Van Ryzin MJ, Carlson EA, Sroufe LA.Attachment discontinuity in a high-risk sample.Attachment & Human Development. 2011;13(4):381-401. doi:10.1080/14616734.2011.584403New item …Waters E, Merrick S, Treboux D, Crowell J, Albersheim L.Attachment security in infancy and early adulthood: a twenty‐year longitudinal study.Child Development. 2000;71(3):684-689. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00176Kilner JM, Lemon RN.What we know currently about mirror neurons.Current Biology. 2013;23(23):R1057-R1062. doi:10.1016/j.cub.2013.10.051Child Mind Institute.What is co-regulation?

Van Ryzin MJ, Carlson EA, Sroufe LA.Attachment discontinuity in a high-risk sample.Attachment & Human Development. 2011;13(4):381-401. doi:10.1080/14616734.2011.584403

Waters E, Merrick S, Treboux D, Crowell J, Albersheim L.Attachment security in infancy and early adulthood: a twenty‐year longitudinal study.Child Development. 2000;71(3):684-689. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00176

Kilner JM, Lemon RN.What we know currently about mirror neurons.Current Biology. 2013;23(23):R1057-R1062. doi:10.1016/j.cub.2013.10.051

Child Mind Institute.What is co-regulation?

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Wrapping Up#

Wrapping Up