Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? Expert Tips to Consider

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy You Might Want to Be Friends With an ExWhen Is It a Good Idea?When Is It a Bad Idea?How Long Should You Wait?How to Make It Work

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Why You Might Want to Be Friends With an Ex

When Is It a Good Idea?

When Is It a Bad Idea?

How Long Should You Wait?

How to Make It Work

If you and your partner haverecently broken up, you may wonder whether or not it’s possible to one day be friends with them and whether that’s even a good idea.

On the one hand, it can be hard to suddenly cut off all contact with someone who was such a big part of your life. Particularly if it was a serious romantic relationship, it can be hard to just let go of the emotional and physicalintimacyyou had with the person.

On the other hand, you may be upset and angry with the person, which can make it hard for you to be friendly with them. You may have a lot of unresolved feelings toward them that you don’t quite know what to do with.

You might wonder if you can hold on to part of your previous connection, or reinvent your relationship in a new,platonicway.

There’s no right answer to this question and every situation is different. However, there are lots of factors to take into consideration when you’re deciding whether or not you should try to stay friends with your ex.

Verywell Mind askedClarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and creator of ‘Your Happiness Hypothesis Method,’ to weigh in.

These are some of the reasons why you might want to be friends with your ex:

How Important Is It to Find Closure?

Staying friends with an ex can be a good idea if you and your ex have:

Sometimes we allow our past relationships to interfere with our future happiness, says Silva. “When that is the case, going backward can sometimes help us move forward because it makes us see that we’ve idealized our previous relationship. Revisiting the friendship side of the relationship can help resolve some of that past hurt.”

On the other hand, trying to be friends with an ex may not be a good idea if:

A 2020 study notes that people who are divorced may experience emotional and psychological distress upon interacting with their exes.

If you and your partner have just broken up, you may wonder whether you should wait for some time before you try to be friends.

There isn’t exactly a right amount of time that will help your relationship become the ideal version you think it should be, says Silva. Rather, it depends on the circumstances of each individual relationship.

For instance, if your relationship was short-lived, you may not have been very emotionally invested in it. As a result, you may not have any hard feelings toward your ex and may be able to be friends with them with ease.

On the other hand, if you and your partner were in a serious long-term relationship that didn’t work out, or you had a particularlybad break-up, it may take both of you some time to process your emotions and achieve closure before you can be friends with each other.

These are some strategies that can help you successfully be friends with your ex.

Be Honest With Yourself

Before you commit to being friends with your ex, ask yourself the following questions:

It’s important to be honest with yourself about your feelings. Otherwise, trying to be friends with them could cause you more pain.

Avoid Reminiscing About Your Relationship

Although it may be difficult, try not to reminisce about your relationship with your ex, says Silva.

She explains that when you do so, you are only extracting the moments of the relationship you want to remember while ignoring the other parts of it. “This idealizes your ex-partner and creates a false sense of hope about how the person fits into your life.”

Set Boundaries

It’s important to set and maintainboundarieswith your ex. Your friendship should not mimic the romantic relationship you had with them. By setting boundaries, you can ensure that lines are not being crossed.

This can sometimes be hard to do, because we tend to hold on to to what we have and know. While we’re in a relationship, we develop a physiological attachment to our partners that makes us want to remain attached, says Silva. She explains that this attachment is not really a desire for your ex, but rather a desire to be attached and loved.

Remaining in a pseudo-relationship under the guise of friendship delays your happiness because instead of seeking a fulfilling relationship with someone better suited to you, you tend to remain in a relationship of convenience with your ex, she adds.

Therefore, it’s important to distinguish this for yourself and set firm boundaries in your friendship with your ex, says Silva.

Accept That Things Are Different

Being friends with someone is not the same thing as dating someone. While it may be weird at first, you will gradually get used to the new dynamic over time. You will have to continually accept the fact that things are different now.

How to Cope When Your Ex Starts Dating Again

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Owen J, Fincham FD, Manthos M.Friendship after a friends with benefits relationship: deception, psychological functioning, and social connectedness.Arch Sex Behav. 2013;42(8):1443-1449. doi:10.1007/s10508-013-0160-7O’Hara KL, Grinberg AM, Tackman AM, Mehl MR, Sbarra DA.Contact with an ex-partner is associated with psychological distress after marital separation.Clin Psychol Sci. 2020;8(3):450-463. doi:10.1177/2167702620916454

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Owen J, Fincham FD, Manthos M.Friendship after a friends with benefits relationship: deception, psychological functioning, and social connectedness.Arch Sex Behav. 2013;42(8):1443-1449. doi:10.1007/s10508-013-0160-7O’Hara KL, Grinberg AM, Tackman AM, Mehl MR, Sbarra DA.Contact with an ex-partner is associated with psychological distress after marital separation.Clin Psychol Sci. 2020;8(3):450-463. doi:10.1177/2167702620916454

Owen J, Fincham FD, Manthos M.Friendship after a friends with benefits relationship: deception, psychological functioning, and social connectedness.Arch Sex Behav. 2013;42(8):1443-1449. doi:10.1007/s10508-013-0160-7O’Hara KL, Grinberg AM, Tackman AM, Mehl MR, Sbarra DA.Contact with an ex-partner is associated with psychological distress after marital separation.Clin Psychol Sci. 2020;8(3):450-463. doi:10.1177/2167702620916454

O’Hara KL, Grinberg AM, Tackman AM, Mehl MR, Sbarra DA.Contact with an ex-partner is associated with psychological distress after marital separation.Clin Psychol Sci. 2020;8(3):450-463. doi:10.1177/2167702620916454

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Be Honest With Yourself#

Avoid Reminiscing About Your Relationship#

Set Boundaries#

Accept That Things Are Different#

Be Honest With Yourself

Avoid Reminiscing About Your Relationship

Set Boundaries

Accept That Things Are Different