Can Ethical Non-Monogamy Work for You?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPracticing Ethical Non-MonogamyENM vs. CheatingWhy People Choose ENMENM TypesHow to Practice ENMA Note About “Ethics”

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy

ENM vs. Cheating

Why People Choose ENM

ENM Types

How to Practice ENM

A Note About “Ethics”

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is the practice of taking part in romantic relationships that are not completelyexclusivebetween two people. Unlike some forms of non-monogamy, ENM is considered “ethical” because it involves open communication and consent.

Though most couples in our society are monogamous, meaning that once partnered with one another, they do not have romantic or sexual relationships with anyone else, about one in five people engage in non-monogamous relationships at some point in their lives.

At a GlanceENM means a relationship is non-monogamous and that all partners consent to other intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationships. Such relationships are described as “ethical” because they focus on consent and communication. Keep reading to learn more about the types of non-monogamous relationships, why people choose them, and how to practice them in a way that is safe and fulfilling for everyone involved.

At a Glance

ENM means a relationship is non-monogamous and that all partners consent to other intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationships. Such relationships are described as “ethical” because they focus on consent and communication. Keep reading to learn more about the types of non-monogamous relationships, why people choose them, and how to practice them in a way that is safe and fulfilling for everyone involved.

So, what exactly does ENM mean in practice? How do people go about engaging in such relationships? There are numerous ways to practice ethical non-monogamy, all of which involve open and honest communication between all parties involved.

Although it is the cultural norm to conduct romantic relationships in monogamous way, many forms of non-monogamy have grown in practice in recent years.

ENM relationships can be explored and expressed in many different ways.

For example, such relationships may involve non-hierarchical relationship dynamics. That means they center on a primary couple, a primary relationship with one person engaging in other relationships, or both parties doing so. It may involve only sexual connections with others, only romantic connections, or both romantic and sexual connections.

In situations involving a hierarchical primary partnership, if both people in the primary relationship practice ENM, they may have different habits, feelings, and preferences when it comes to the emotional connections and intimacy they establish with their additional romantic and/or sexual partners.

What matters most is that everyone involvedconsentsto the situation without coercion, deception, orguilt-tripping.

What separates ethical non-monogamy from cheating is that no matter what type of ethical non-monogamy you practice, all people involved are aware of the relational dynamics, communicate about them, and practice them with mutual consent.

ENM’s meaning is centered on consent and honest communication. People don’t feel pressured or coerced into participating in non-monogamy. It also doesn’t involve lying, deceiving, or covering up other relationships.

With cheating in a monogamous relationship, the partner does not consent, and there may be lying or withholding of information.

“Ethical” implies that all parts of the practice are handled consensually and in a way both parties have agreed upon.

There are many reasons to desire an ethically non-monogamous relationship setup. These are just a few of them:

The Ability to Explore One’s Sexuality

Some Relationships Don’t Meet All of a Person’s Needs

Expecting one human to fit perfectly with you and love everything you love is a lot of pressure. To alleviate this pressure, people who practice ENM have the freedom to look outside their relationship for others who may have similar sexual or romantic interests that their partner doesn’t.

More Than Enough Love to Go Around

There are people who are capable of loving and exploring physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy with multiple people at once and who feel more satisfied and fulfilled in life when they are able to do that.

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term. That means that an assortment of different individual relationship models fall under the broad definition of it.

What they all have in common is that the relationship is not monogamous and that everyone involved consents to being in that type of relationship.

Some expressions of ENM include, but are not limited to:

ENM As Its Own Practice

It’s worth noting that you can practice ENM without following one of the below relationship models. Relationships are composed of whatever the people in them agree on, and you don’t have to stick to the rules of any existing relationship models.

Some couples who practice ENM do not subscribe to any other relationship models. They simply make their own rules about what is and isn’t acceptable for their individual relationship, and then they follow them.

Polyamory

Polyamoryis probably the most well-known version of ethical non-monogamy. Like ENM at large, polyamory can be done in many different ways.

In one model, several people are all in a relationship together. Another model involves a pair of two individuals who are each committed to additional partners of their own. In other cases, one person in a relationship may be poly and have numerous partners, but one or more of their partners might not have, or want, any other partners themselves. There’s even a type calledsolo polyamory.

If you are polyamorous, your relationships rely on communication between parties about matters from safe sex to emotions. Polyamory may involve a long-term commitment to more than one person simultaneously. The wordpolyculeis often used to describe a connected polyamorous network.

Polygamy vs Polyamory: What’s the Difference?

Open Relationships

Unlike polyamory,open relationshipsdo not generally involve a commitment to parties outside of a two-person relationship. This relationship model is most known for partners being able to pursue outside sexual connections, but it may involve romantic and/or emotional connections with others as well.

However, these are usually conducted under the premise that the primary, two-person relationship is the most prioritized.

What to Do When Your Partner Wants An Open Relationship—and You Don’t

Relationship Anarchy

In relationship anarchy, everyone is equal. An individual won’t necessarily view a romantic relationship as more important than a friendship, and they may not even categorize their relationships as strictly platonic, romantic, and/or sexual.

This model is centered around personal freedom andautonomy.

Monogamish

People who are monogamish tend to focus on outside sexual encounters only, not romantic connections with others besides their partner. They also may go long periods of time in between outside sexual encounters.

Polygamy

Famous mostly as a biblical or religious practice,polygamyis when one person has multiple spouses. This can be one husband having multiple wives or one wife with multiple husbands, but it is best known as the former.

Polygamy is not legal in the United States. Though it may be practiced ethically, there have been cases that have involved coercion and exploitation.

Bigamy vs. Polygamy

Nothing is more important to a successful ethically non-monogamous relationship than honest andopen communication. Before embarking on the journey of a new relationship style, you and your partner should make sure you are on the same page about what you both want.

Curiosity, mutual respect, kindness, self-awareness, the ability to identify and share your emotions, and integrity are helpful traits to embody and continue to strengthen along the process.

In addition to practicing honesty and openness, it is important to continually check in with each other and all parties involved at different steps along the way. Feelings can change, new emotions can emerge, and consistent check-ins can help all involve gain a greater understanding of everyone’s needs and feelings.

You’ll benefit from discussing everything, from your long-term relationship goals to how you will handle the minutiae of everyday ENM life. Additionally, as you move into becoming an ENM couple, you’ll benefit from checking in regularly with your partner about how each of you is doing with your new relationship setup.

As we shift into a progressively more open society, many people believe that the “e” in “ENM” should be dropped or to use the interchangeable term CNM, or consensual non-monogamy.Entire essayshave been written about this. The idea that monogamy is the only inherently ethical relationship model and that all others must be qualified with the word in front of them to denote that they, too, have morality is one that stems from colonialism.

Non-monogamy has existed in indigenous societies throughout time.In a quest to force indigenous societies into Christianity and behave in more “civilized” manners, Western conquerors shifted society in a direction where church-sanctioned marriages between one man and one woman were considered the only acceptable relationship format.

If you are non-monogamous, it’s acceptable to state that without using the word ethical or consensual.

6 Types of Relationships and Their Effect on Your Life

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Haupert ML, Gesselman AN, Moors AC, Fisher HE, Garcia JR.Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans.J Sex Marital Ther. 2017;43(5):424-440. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675Wood J, De Santis C, Desmarais S, Milhausen R.Motivations for engaging in consensually non-monogamous relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2021;50:1253-72. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01873-xHeath M, Gouweloos J, Braimoh J.Judging women’s sexual agency: Contemporary sex wars in the legal terrain of prostitution and polygamy.Signs J Women Cult Soc.2016;42(1):199-225. doi:10.1086/686771Tikuna MLP and J.Indigenous sexualities: resisting conquest and translation. E-International Relations. 2019

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Haupert ML, Gesselman AN, Moors AC, Fisher HE, Garcia JR.Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans.J Sex Marital Ther. 2017;43(5):424-440. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675Wood J, De Santis C, Desmarais S, Milhausen R.Motivations for engaging in consensually non-monogamous relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2021;50:1253-72. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01873-xHeath M, Gouweloos J, Braimoh J.Judging women’s sexual agency: Contemporary sex wars in the legal terrain of prostitution and polygamy.Signs J Women Cult Soc.2016;42(1):199-225. doi:10.1086/686771Tikuna MLP and J.Indigenous sexualities: resisting conquest and translation. E-International Relations. 2019

Haupert ML, Gesselman AN, Moors AC, Fisher HE, Garcia JR.Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans.J Sex Marital Ther. 2017;43(5):424-440. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675Wood J, De Santis C, Desmarais S, Milhausen R.Motivations for engaging in consensually non-monogamous relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2021;50:1253-72. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01873-xHeath M, Gouweloos J, Braimoh J.Judging women’s sexual agency: Contemporary sex wars in the legal terrain of prostitution and polygamy.Signs J Women Cult Soc.2016;42(1):199-225. doi:10.1086/686771Tikuna MLP and J.Indigenous sexualities: resisting conquest and translation. E-International Relations. 2019

Wood J, De Santis C, Desmarais S, Milhausen R.Motivations for engaging in consensually non-monogamous relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2021;50:1253-72. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01873-x

Heath M, Gouweloos J, Braimoh J.Judging women’s sexual agency: Contemporary sex wars in the legal terrain of prostitution and polygamy.Signs J Women Cult Soc.2016;42(1):199-225. doi:10.1086/686771

Tikuna MLP and J.Indigenous sexualities: resisting conquest and translation. E-International Relations. 2019

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At a Glance#

The Ability to Explore One’s Sexuality#

Some Relationships Don’t Meet All of a Person’s Needs#

More Than Enough Love to Go Around#

ENM As Its Own Practice#

Polyamory#

Open Relationships#

Relationship Anarchy#

Monogamish#

Polygamy#