Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?CommunicationMutual ConsentRespectPleasureTips That Can Help

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Table of Contents

What Is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?

Communication

Mutual Consent

Respect

Pleasure

Tips That Can Help

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When it comes to sex and intimacy, we all have different needs. Regardless of what works for us on an individual level, however, there are some universal truths that are essential to maintaining any kind of sexual relationship—and pleasure is just the tip of the iceberg (pun intended).

A healthy connection is one in which each person feels valued and safe. It involves open communication, mutual consent, respect, and (of course!) a focus on pleasure.

At a GlanceWhen you have a healthy sex life—or sexual relationship—you feel free to talk about sex with your partner. You feel comfortable and respected when you ask for what you want, give verbal consent, and set boundaries. If some of these elements are missing in your relationship, it’s OK; we’ve got therapist-approved tips that can help. Getting in tune with your sexual needs and working on communication are just a couple of good places to start.

At a Glance

When you have a healthy sex life—or sexual relationship—you feel free to talk about sex with your partner. You feel comfortable and respected when you ask for what you want, give verbal consent, and set boundaries. If some of these elements are missing in your relationship, it’s OK; we’ve got therapist-approved tips that can help. Getting in tune with your sexual needs and working on communication are just a couple of good places to start.

“A healthy sexual relationship is one with lots of communication. Both partners should feel they can express their needs, desires, andfantasiesto one another without fear of judgment,” saysKatie Schubert, PhD, LMHC, a certified sex therapist.

It’s a type of connection that feels both physically and emotionally fulfilling. It’s not about checking off boxes on a list of “wants” or “needs” in terms of the frequency or the type of sex you are having.

So if you’re someone who likes to get a little kinky, wants to try a roleplay scenario, or straight up doesn’t like a certain position that most peoplelove, it’s totally your prerogative to say so!

A healthy sexual relationship is fun, playful, and intimate. You know you and your partner are enjoying it, and you feel comfortable sharing what works (and what doesn’t).

What Is a Fetish?

Open Communication Is Key

As with any aspect of a healthy relationship,great communication is one of the keys to success. Sexual partners must feel safe talking about their desires without fear of judgment. It’s a part of beingsex-positiveand maintaining a liberated attitude toward sex that is free from shame and stigma.

This means that we need to feel confident discussing our boundaries. And a lot of this comfort comes from knowing that our boundaries will be respected. We also need to be comfortable sharing our concerns without fear of reprisal. After all, we don’t want to share a fantasy if we think our partner will laugh, pass judgment, or say something derisive.

You should feel completely comfortable talking about your fantasies with your partner. If your partner makes you feel bad about the positions you enjoy or other bedroom activities that you like, consider it aserious red flag.

A healthy sexual relationship has no place for feelings of shame or embarrassment. If your partner makes you feel that way, it’s time to address the issue or reconsider the relationship.

Should You Care About Your Partner’s Body Count?

How to Foster Open Communication

So what do the experts recommend if you’re struggling to communicate yoursexual needsto your partner?

“I always ask the couples I see in my office to set a time to discuss their relationship–for example, Sunday evenings,” Schubert explains. “In these ‘meetings,’ they can bring up any concerns, thoughts, or feelings they had from the previous week.

Schubert also notes that communication often breaks down when couples become so busy with the stresses of daily life, including the demands of juggling work and family.

When people get busy, sometimes communication can suffer. Make these discussions intentional and give them time.—KATIE SCHUBERT, PHD, LMHC, CERTIFIED SEX THERAPIST

When people get busy, sometimes communication can suffer. Make these discussions intentional and give them time.

—KATIE SCHUBERT, PHD, LMHC, CERTIFIED SEX THERAPIST

To foster an open dialogue about sex, it can be helpful to create a safe space to talk about desires and concerns.

Strategies for intentional conversations

Consent is the golden rule in the bedroom (or anywhere else you might get intimate). It’s all about both of you agreeing on what is happening and respecting each other’s wishes, desires, and boundaries.

The thing to remember is that mutual consent isn’t just about saying “yes,” “no,” or “maybe”—although those things are important, too. Consent is about both partners being on the same page, communicating what is happening, and getting approval before, during, andeven after.

Mutual consent is not a one-time discussion. It is an ongoing conversation between sexual partners. It should be enthusiastic, but each person should be aware that feelings can change and that consent can be withdrawn at any time.

In any intimate encounter, prioritize explicit verbal consent. Consent can be fun or sexy. For example, you might check for consent with phrases like:

Incorporating these kinds of phrases into your talk during sex can be inviting and arousing! Verbal approval is essential when giving consent, but you can also back it up withnon-verbaltouches or gestures. And if you are concerned you might miss a signal, talk to your partner about having a safe word.

Your voice matters in your relationship, including in the bedroom. It doesn’t matter your gender, orientation, or who you are with—no person has the right to make you feel pressured or coerced.

Just because you or your partner have said “yes” to something in the past doesn’t mean that it’s an automatic yes today! Mutual consent requires that you keep checking in with one another to ensure you are comfortable and that what is happening is happily welcomed.

How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

You Have to Have Respect

Respect is vital to create a healthy sexual relationship founded on trust and intimacy. Showing respect involves showing one another consideration and kindness. It also meanshonoring one another’s boundaries.

Knowing that your partner respects and values you is empowering. It allows you to be your most authentic self more comfortably. When we feel respected, we can be open about what we want without feeling like our partner will reject us.

Respect is also a cornerstone ofemotional intimacy. Having your partner’s respect and care creates a space where you can be vulnerable and intimate with them. This deepens the intimacy and trust that you share.

How to Maintain Respect in a Relationship

For example, if your partner wants to try a certain sexual activity you are uncomfortable with, they should respect that boundary. It’s OK for them to ask you to consider it more or talk about why you aren’t interested, but ultimately, they shouldn’t pressure you into things you don’t want to try.

Respect involves treating your partner as an equal without stereotyping or objectifying them.

It also means that neither of you should be made to feel guilty for turning down sex. You should need to come up with excuses–like having a headache or being too tired. If you’re not in the mood, then you’re not in the mood. Nothing more needs to be said.

And Let’s Not Forget the Importance of Pleasure

Communication, consent, and respect should all work toward supporting a central component of a healthy sexual relationship: pleasure. This doesn’t just mean physical satisfaction. Emotional satisfaction is also a pillar of a  fulfilling sexual connection.

According to the National Coalition for Sexual Health, pleasurable sex can benefit your physical and emotional health.Sex is also linked to stronger immunity, lower blood pressure, increased pain relief,lower stress levels, decreased anxiety and depression, and better self-esteem.

And the reality is that the more pleasurable sex is, the more likely you are to engage in regular, health-boosting intimacy. Fortunately, there are many ways to make sex more pleasurable and overcome sexual concerns that might hold you back from fully enjoying your time together.

Ways to Enhance Pleasure

Because pleasure is an important part of a healthy sexual relationship, enhancing this aspect of your partnership can be a great way to improve satisfaction and bring you closer. Strategies that can help in this regard include:

Exploring New Experiences

Trying new things in the bedroom can reignite your curiosity and passion, even if you’ve been together for a while. A vibrant sex life involves keeping these fresh and finding ways to bring new energy to your intimate life. Exploring together can also be a great way to learn how to better respect and appreciate your own body in new and different ways.

Try talking about things you might like to try, but be sure to respect each other’s boundaries. If you try something that doesn’t feel right, it’s OK to change your mind and stop.

Engaging in Foreplay

Sometimes, anticipation is just as pleasurable as the activity itself.Foreplayis crucial to any good sexual relationship. It not only increases the excitement you both feel, but it can also be a way to enhance the emotional intimacy you feel through touching, kissing, and exploring each other’s bodies.

It’s also a great way to learn more about what you and your partner enjoy. As you get to know one another’s bodies, you can figure out what works and what makes you feel good. Foreplay is also a fun way to spice things up depending on the mood–you can go slow or move things along more quickly depending on how you feel.

Foreplay can be a build-up to the main event, or it can be the main event itself! Sex doesn’t mean penetration, and research has found that most people assigned female at birth don’t achieve orgasm from penetration alone.Expanding your definitions of what counts as sex can help you explore other ideas for finding pleasure in a healthy sexual relationship.

Prioritizing Emotional Intimacy

Intimacy is about more than sex. It is about feeling close and connected to someone. Sexual intimacy is one type, but emotional intimacy is just as important, and in many cases, the two are deeply connected.

When you feel an emotional connection with your partner, you’re often able to feel moresexually intimatewith them.

Feeling good during sex is about more than the main event. Being emotionally intimate allows you to overcome any inhibitions you have and fully embrace what you are feeling in the moment. And research has shown that being present is one of the key elements of satisfying sex.

The safety and trust this intimacy fosters also allow you to better connect with the desires and sensations more profoundly. You feel emotionally in tune with your partner so you are more aware of each other’s joy and pleasure.

Everyone has different intimacy needs. Just because you are satisfied with the emotional or sexual intimacy in your relationship, it doesn’t mean that your partner is. Like other areas of your relationship, communication and boundaries are key. So talk about what you both need and what you can give and accept in your relationship.

What to Do If These Characteristics Are Missing

We know how tough it can be to feel like something is lacking in your sexual relationships. Understanding your needs better, discussing your concerns, and exploring intimacy resources, including therapy, can be helpful.

Learn More About Your Sexual Needs

Communication, boundaries, and consent are key, but it’s also important to remember that not everyone immediately knows exactly what they want. Exploring these things together and having ongoing conversations is all part of the process.

It’s OK to not know exactly what you want or are comfortable with. The key is to spend time learning about yourself, educating yourself about sex, and being open to talking about these things with your partners.

There’s no shame in saying that your sex education sucked. The reality is that many young people get very little in the way of informed, accurate information about sex and sexuality.

For many, sex ed focuses almost entirely on risk reduction, such as preventing STIs and unwanted pregnancies, while overlooking important topics such as pleasure, how to formhealthy relationships, and inclusive information addressing the needs ofLGBTQIA+ folks.

Getting to know yourself, your body, and the types of sex that you enjoy can help you feel more comfortable and satisfied with your sexual expression. There are many tools and resources out there that can help. The National Coalition on Sexual Health recommends exploring books, websites, toys, ethical porn,masturbation, and other resources to help you explore your body and learn what feels good to you.

Talk About Sex

When something is missing from your sex life,talking about your concernswith your partner is often the first step. It’s OK to admit that this can be daunting or even a little scary, particularly at first.

Thinking about how you’d like to approach these topics and what you’d like to say can be helpful. Some things to keep in mind:

Protect Your Sexual Health

The National Coalition for Sexual Health (NCSH) suggests that there are five action steps for good sexual health:

A healthy sexual relationship also involves taking care of yourself. Make sure you are doing thighs that support your sexual well-being, including getting those checkups and treating your body right.

Couples Therapy Can Provide Insights

Maybe your sex life is on the rocks. Or maybe it’s alright, but you feel it could be even better. In either case,couples therapyorsex therapycan be a great option.

Couples therapy can be magical. Sometimes it’s helpful to get an objective third party’s insights on things you may be struggling with in your relationship.—KATIE SCHUBERT, PHD, LMHC, CERTIFIED SEX THERAPIST

Couples therapy can be magical. Sometimes it’s helpful to get an objective third party’s insights on things you may be struggling with in your relationship.

By working with a therapist, you can explore how you relate to one another and identify potential problems that might be preventing you from feeling fully satisfied in your relationship.

Don’t Ignore Self-Help Books and Online Resources

Schubert also suggests that there are a number of helpful books and resources available that can help couples who are struggling.

“There is also a tremendous amount of material out there you can consume. My go-to recommendation for many couples is the book ‘Come As You Are,'” she suggests.

Resources you might find helpful include:

Books

Podcasts and Apps

Online Sex Therapy

Expert-Vetted: Our Picks for the Best Online Sex Therapy Services of 2024

We’ll Leave You With This

Great sex can be an important part of your well-being. No single approach is right for everyone, so you need to learn more about what’s right for you and your partners.

There’s a lot more to great sex than passion or complicated positions (although those can be great, too). A healthy sexual relationship is one that brings you closer, helps you learn more about yourself and your partner, and ultimately, feels like an adventure that fully draws you into the moment.

So don’t be afraid to learn more about your own needs andask for what you wantin the bedroom. Just remember to ensure that communication, consent, respect, and pleasure are top priorities.

How to Have a Healthy Married Sex Life

9 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Vowels LM, Roos CA, Mehulić J, O’Dean SM, Sánchez-Hernández MD.What does it mean to be responsive to a partner’s sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need responsiveness.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3735-3747. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02432-2National Coalition for Sexual Health.A guide to sexual concerns and pleasure.OHSU Center for Women’s Health.The benefits of a healthy sex life.van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Herbenick D, Fu TC (Jane), Arter J, Sanders SA, Dodge B.Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: results from a u. S. Probability sample of women ages 18 to 94.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2018;44(2):201-212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530Kleinplatz PJ, Ménard AD.Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. 1 edition. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group; 2020.van Lankveld JJDM, Dewitte M, Verboon P, van Hooren SAH.Associations of intimacy, partner responsiveness, and attachment-related emotional needs with sexual desire.Front Psychol. 2021;12:665967. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.665967Kantor LM, Lindberg L.Pleasure and sex education: The need for broadening both content and measurement.Am J Public Health. 2020;110(2):145-148. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2019.305320National Coalition for Sexual Health.Five action steps to good sexual health.

9 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Vowels LM, Roos CA, Mehulić J, O’Dean SM, Sánchez-Hernández MD.What does it mean to be responsive to a partner’s sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need responsiveness.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3735-3747. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02432-2National Coalition for Sexual Health.A guide to sexual concerns and pleasure.OHSU Center for Women’s Health.The benefits of a healthy sex life.van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Herbenick D, Fu TC (Jane), Arter J, Sanders SA, Dodge B.Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: results from a u. S. Probability sample of women ages 18 to 94.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2018;44(2):201-212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530Kleinplatz PJ, Ménard AD.Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. 1 edition. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group; 2020.van Lankveld JJDM, Dewitte M, Verboon P, van Hooren SAH.Associations of intimacy, partner responsiveness, and attachment-related emotional needs with sexual desire.Front Psychol. 2021;12:665967. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.665967Kantor LM, Lindberg L.Pleasure and sex education: The need for broadening both content and measurement.Am J Public Health. 2020;110(2):145-148. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2019.305320National Coalition for Sexual Health.Five action steps to good sexual health.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Vowels LM, Roos CA, Mehulić J, O’Dean SM, Sánchez-Hernández MD.What does it mean to be responsive to a partner’s sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need responsiveness.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3735-3747. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02432-2National Coalition for Sexual Health.A guide to sexual concerns and pleasure.OHSU Center for Women’s Health.The benefits of a healthy sex life.van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076Herbenick D, Fu TC (Jane), Arter J, Sanders SA, Dodge B.Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: results from a u. S. Probability sample of women ages 18 to 94.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2018;44(2):201-212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530Kleinplatz PJ, Ménard AD.Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. 1 edition. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group; 2020.van Lankveld JJDM, Dewitte M, Verboon P, van Hooren SAH.Associations of intimacy, partner responsiveness, and attachment-related emotional needs with sexual desire.Front Psychol. 2021;12:665967. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.665967Kantor LM, Lindberg L.Pleasure and sex education: The need for broadening both content and measurement.Am J Public Health. 2020;110(2):145-148. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2019.305320National Coalition for Sexual Health.Five action steps to good sexual health.

Vowels LM, Roos CA, Mehulić J, O’Dean SM, Sánchez-Hernández MD.What does it mean to be responsive to a partner’s sexual needs? Toward a definition of sexual need responsiveness.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3735-3747. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02432-2

National Coalition for Sexual Health.A guide to sexual concerns and pleasure.

OHSU Center for Women’s Health.The benefits of a healthy sex life.

van Lankveld J, Jacobs N, Thewissen V, Dewitte M, Verboon P.The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(4):557-576. doi:10.1177/0265407517743076

Herbenick D, Fu TC (Jane), Arter J, Sanders SA, Dodge B.Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: results from a u. S. Probability sample of women ages 18 to 94.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2018;44(2):201-212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530

Kleinplatz PJ, Ménard AD.Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. 1 edition. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group; 2020.

van Lankveld JJDM, Dewitte M, Verboon P, van Hooren SAH.Associations of intimacy, partner responsiveness, and attachment-related emotional needs with sexual desire.Front Psychol. 2021;12:665967. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.665967

Kantor LM, Lindberg L.Pleasure and sex education: The need for broadening both content and measurement.Am J Public Health. 2020;110(2):145-148. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2019.305320

National Coalition for Sexual Health.Five action steps to good sexual health.

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