Boundaries are the standards you set for yourself and are not about the other person. For example, “I want to be treated with respect” or “I won’t date someone who earns less than me.”
Expectations live in the realm of “should” and are based on your upbringing, desires, personality, etc. For example, “I expect my partner always to be available when I need emotional support.”
While these aren’t necessarily unreasonable, having expectations of other people can lead to disappointment and anger that’s then directed at the other person for not meeting your expectations.
So rather than expecting the other person to meet your standards, you’re taking responsibility for your standards and don’t accept anything less. You have an expectation of yourself rather than the other person.
For example, I expect myself to be compassionate and understanding towards myself and I expect myself to walk away if someone is disrespectful towards me.
So, ifsomeone disrespects me, I move on rather than dwell on the fact that they “should” be respectful.
Boundaries and expectations are similar, but they come from different perspectives and motivations and result in different outcomes.
Expectations
Expectations, on the other hand, are the standards or beliefs we have about how a relationship should function and how our partner should behave.
Expectations are often based on our individual needs, desires, and past experiences.
They can be realistic or unrealistic, and when not communicated effectively, they can lead to misunderstandings and disappointment.
Examples of expectations include:
Boundaries
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves about what we will and will not accept in a relationship.
They are about self-care, personal values, and the treatment we are willing to tolerate from others. Boundaries are essential for maintaining our sense of identity, autonomy, and emotional well-being within a relationship.
Summary
Boundaries protect your well-being and safety and give you a sense of control and choice. Expectations are idealistic and often vague and rely on the other person to do what you desire.
Therefore, if not managed properly, expectations can leave you feeling powerless and at the mercy of others.
So, while it’s normal to have expectations (everyone has them), try to shift your focus away from “should” and more towards “What do I want?” and “What will I tolerate/not tolerate?”.
Generally, it’s always good to hope for the best but keep your expectations low – that way, you minimize your chances of feeling disappointed.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
