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If you watch or play sports, you know that benching means keeping a player off the field or court as a back-up option, in case your first or second choice of player is unable to play. This analogy has been extended to the dating world, to describe a dating trend where people keep potential partners as backup options.
“Benching means keeping a backup player on the sidelines, not letting them participate in the live action of one’s life, but letting them think they are a part of it because they get a better seat than those in the bleachers,” saysClaudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”
Also sometimes known as cushioning andbreadcrumbing, benching is basically the equivalent of stringing someone along. The person is notnotinterested, they’re just not interested enough to commit to anything and are playing the field, so to speak.
“Benching has become very common with the use ofdating apps,as people tend to be overwhelmed with choice and are often juggling multiple partners,” saysSabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.
How to Know If You’re Being Benched
These are some signs that can help you recognize someone is benching you:
Claudia de Llano, LMFTIf you feel like you’re on the outside of their life, looking in, you are probably being benched.
Claudia de Llano, LMFT
If you feel like you’re on the outside of their life, looking in, you are probably being benched.
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Reasons Why People Bench Others
These are some of the potential reasons why someone may bench you, according to Dr. Romanoff.
Fear of Being Alone
Some people use dating to manage their fears of being alone, for validation and as a distraction. People who bench others are more likely to have a strongfear of being aloneand use partners as a way to bolster their ego and sense of self. They’re not always honest with themselves or their partners about their motives.
Unrealistic Expectations
People may be unrealistic in their expectations around partners. The slightest inconvenience, turn off, or conflict might cause them to bench their partner.
Use of Online Dating Apps
Changes in Dating Behavior
With the rise of online dating apps and the way the experience is gamified, people now shop for partners like they are shopping for clothes online.
Stress
The person may have a lot going on in their work and personal life, and may not be emotionally available enough to participate in a committed relationship.
Saturation
Mental Health Issues
The person may have anarcissistic personality,attachment disorder,egocentricpersonality, self-esteem issues, or other emotional issues.
Lack of Empathy
Some people might bench others out of a lack of awareness or empathy for another’s experience, says de Llano.
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Is Benching the Same as Ghosting?
Benching is not quite the same asghosting, because while benching means stringing someone along, ghosting someone means abruptly ending all communication and contact without any information or explanation.
Essentially, benching means coming and going from someone’s life at will; whereas, ghosting means disappearing from their life altogether, de Llano clarifies.
With benching, the person doing the benching likes the person they are putting aside and would be interested in potentially having a relationship with them; however, the person also has other options to choose from and is more interested in other potential partners, Dr. Sabrina explains. “They may circle back to someone they’ve benched if things don’t work out.
Is Benching Worse Than Ghosting?While both tactics can be extremely confusing and hurtful, benching can be worse than ghosting because the person is giving you hope and stringing you along for longer periods of time, rather than cutting you loose and allowing you to move on, says Dr. Romanoff.
Is Benching Worse Than Ghosting?
While both tactics can be extremely confusing and hurtful, benching can be worse than ghosting because the person is giving you hope and stringing you along for longer periods of time, rather than cutting you loose and allowing you to move on, says Dr. Romanoff.
What Does Getting Benched Feel Like?
We asked the experts what getting benched can feel like and they said it can be a confusing and hurtful experience:
A 2020 study notes that people who have been benched reported feelings of unhappiness, loneliness, and helplessness.
What to Do If Someone Is Benching You
These are some steps you can take if you think someone is benching you.
Communicate Honestly
If you think you’re being benched, you shouldcommunicatewith the other person honestly to see if it’s worth continuing a relationship with them, says Dr. Romanoff.
De Llano says you can be direct and say: “Hey, I’m feeling like I’m on the sidelines at the moment, how do you feel about me and what are you looking for?”
Open communication will never scare away or ruin a relationship with someone who is interested in you—it will only clarify where each person stands and save you a lot of confusion, time, and effort of holding onto a relationship that will never give you what you want, says Dr. Romanoff. “Be brave and don’t be afraid to communicate, even if it means not getting the answer you want.”
Set Boundaries to Protect Yourself
In a situation like this, it’s important to remember your worth and stand up for it. “You need to speak up for yourself and assert your needs and wants,” says de Llano.
For instance you could say, “At this point in my life, I’m looking for an exclusive relationship/a relationship that has the potential to turn serious. If you’re looking for something similar, I’d love to see where this goes. Otherwise, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
However, if their benching behavior continues, you can let them know the relationship isn’t working for you anymore and then end it.
Will They Ever Commit to Me If They Benched Me?
There is no one-size-fits-all rule to dating, and anything can happen, says Dr. Romanoff. “However, being benched isn’t a strong foundation for a relationship and the person will likely continue to keep you as a backup until they find someone they think is ‘better.’”
If what you want is to be prioritized and put first, then know you deserve to be with and can find someone who is willing to put you first, rather than treating you like an option.
How to Date Around Without Hurting People’s Feelings
If you happen to be dating multiple partners, here are some steps you can take to avoid benching people or hurting their feelings:
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyDPeople are not place cards and treating others this way creates more drama and hurt than accepting you might not be dating anyone you’re interested in at the moment.
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
People are not place cards and treating others this way creates more drama and hurt than accepting you might not be dating anyone you’re interested in at the moment.
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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rodríguez-García MC, Márquez-Hernández VV, Granados-Gámez G, Aguilera-Manrique G, Martínez-Puertas H, Gutiérrez-Puertas L.Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships: introducing a new online dating perpetration.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(24):9548. doi:10.3390/ijerph17249548Navarro R, Larrañaga E, Yubero S, Víllora B.Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: a preliminary study among adults.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(3):1116. doi:10.3390/ijerph17031116
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rodríguez-García MC, Márquez-Hernández VV, Granados-Gámez G, Aguilera-Manrique G, Martínez-Puertas H, Gutiérrez-Puertas L.Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships: introducing a new online dating perpetration.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(24):9548. doi:10.3390/ijerph17249548Navarro R, Larrañaga E, Yubero S, Víllora B.Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: a preliminary study among adults.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(3):1116. doi:10.3390/ijerph17031116
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Rodríguez-García MC, Márquez-Hernández VV, Granados-Gámez G, Aguilera-Manrique G, Martínez-Puertas H, Gutiérrez-Puertas L.Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships: introducing a new online dating perpetration.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(24):9548. doi:10.3390/ijerph17249548Navarro R, Larrañaga E, Yubero S, Víllora B.Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: a preliminary study among adults.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(3):1116. doi:10.3390/ijerph17031116
Rodríguez-García MC, Márquez-Hernández VV, Granados-Gámez G, Aguilera-Manrique G, Martínez-Puertas H, Gutiérrez-Puertas L.Development and validation of breadcrumbing in affective-sexual relationships: introducing a new online dating perpetration.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(24):9548. doi:10.3390/ijerph17249548
Navarro R, Larrañaga E, Yubero S, Víllora B.Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: a preliminary study among adults.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(3):1116. doi:10.3390/ijerph17031116
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