Hi Anna,

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he was really ambitious, was a leader at his work, and was really excited about what he was doing. I feel like the combination of success and stress has made him flatline a bit. I’ve found that he’s gotten increasingly more agitated, less motivated, has lost his sense of ambition and is starting down a self-destructive path. On the weekends he is binge drinking and taking partying to a new level––the night always end in a fight or worse. Whenever I ask him how his day was, he says “it sucked” and completely shuts down. Every time I bring any of this up, he gets really defensive and refuses to talk about it.

I love him and want to help him, but I am at a crossroads. This is affecting me in a negative way and causing me to question our future together. How can I support him without sabotaging my own happiness?

– The supportive but not stupid girlfriend

Dear Supportive But Not Stupid Girlfriend,

The good news is you can work to course-correct together. But it takes more than a simple conversation or even willpower. Depression is a complicated and serious illness, and requires thoughtful attention and care.

Every relationship has challenges, and depression is a significant one — though it’s not insurmountable. While you want to take care of him and support him, eroding your own health and happiness in the process is not the best option. You can tackle depression together and it can make the relationship stronger, but you both have to be willing to work on it. Find a time to talk to him about your concerns and how it’s affecting you, and ask if him he’s willing to have his mental health professionally assessed and diagnosed. It is only after it is formally recognized and named that you can start to make real, sustainable progress.

You can’t determine his best treatment or exact timeframe, but you can set whatever boundaries and timelines you need. Constantly check in with yourself to ensure that you still feel healthy and loved in the relationship. That’s not to say that one off day should signal the end of the relationship, but if you clearly communicate your needs and expectations in the relationship, even during this trying time, that will help you to be more supportive of him, while also staying true to yourself. Be sure you tend to your own needs and cultivate a circle of support for yourself, not just for him.

If you reach a point where you simply aren’t able to get what you need consistently and your own mental and emotional health is suffering, give yourself permission to step back from the relationship. You don’t have to completely abandon your boyfriend, but you may need to redefine the relationship. Only you can determine what that boundary is and when it feels right — so be honest with yourself and honor your own needs. Remember: his depression does not preclude you from feeling down, or unloved, or having needs. Relationships require work — even the good ones — but that challenge should still feel healthy for both partners.

In sum, here’s a 5-step course of action:

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