Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy We’re Attracted to Certain PeopleDon’t Fall in Love With Someone’s PotentialWork on YourselfWatch for Red Flags
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Why We’re Attracted to Certain People
Don’t Fall in Love With Someone’s Potential
Work on Yourself
Watch for Red Flags
Close
In the “Ask a Therapist” series, I answer your questions about all things mental health and psychology. Whether you are struggling with a mental health condition, coping with anxiety about a life situation, or simply looking for a therapist’s insight.
Our Reader AsksEvery man I date has major problems, like they’re spending way more than they earn or they have a substance abuse issue. I try to fix their lives but I’m the one who ends up getting hurt in the end. What’s wrong with me?—Megan, 29
Our Reader Asks
Every man I date has major problems, like they’re spending way more than they earn or they have a substance abuse issue. I try to fix their lives but I’m the one who ends up getting hurt in the end. What’s wrong with me?—Megan, 29
Every man I date has major problems, like they’re spending way more than they earn or they have a substance abuse issue. I try to fix their lives but I’m the one who ends up getting hurt in the end. What’s wrong with me?
—Megan, 29
Amy’s AnswerYou likely see people’s potential. And you naturally want to help them be their best. But, you can’t fix people who don’t want to change their own lives. It’s important to take a look at why you’re attracted to certain people and how to change your behavior so you don’t keep getting hurt.
Amy’s Answer
You likely see people’s potential. And you naturally want to help them be their best. But, you can’t fix people who don’t want to change their own lives. It’s important to take a look at why you’re attracted to certain people and how to change your behavior so you don’t keep getting hurt.
There’s a reason you’re attracted to people with problems. Your relationships with your parents might be the first place to look for clues.
Or maybe your father was a great guy who was battling serious problems. And now, you date men who remind you of your father.
There’s also the possibility that “fixing people” is a great distraction from your own life. The more you focus on helping other people with their problems, the less time you have to invest in addressing your own issues.
Spend a little time reflecting on the possible reasons you date people whom you think need your help. Whether it’s to heal an old wound or it’s to avoid a problem in the present, a better understanding of your own behavior will help you move forward.
If you can’t figure it out on your own, talk to a therapist. Talking to someone might help you connect the dots.
Someone who has serious problems that they aren’t willing to address won’t make a good partner for you. You become more like a parent who has to prod them along and help them find their way rather than an equal partner.
Of course, you likely see the best in the men you date. And you probably know they have serious potential if it weren’t for their problems.
You can’t fall in love with someone’s potential. They might not want to create the changes you want them to make—the changes you know would improve their lives You might be in love with the person they won’t ever actually become.
Focus onhow compatible you are with them now, not on how you think they might be in the future.
Are you ever not in a relationship? It’s important to have some time where you just focus on yourself. During those times,set goals, engage in hobbies, and spend time with friends and family.
Working on yourself will help you become a better partner when you are in a relationship. And that is key to developinghealthier relationshipsdown the road.
Focus on becoming your best self and you’ll take less responsibility for making other people the best version of themselves.
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Keep an eye out forserious red flags. Some to watch out for include:
Everyone has problems in life. And there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who is invested inself-improvement.
But when you encounter someone who acts helpless, don’t do their work for them. You aren’t actually helping someone if you intervene and do things they could do for themselves.
Doing things for people that they could do for themselves isenabling, not helping. Remind yourself that you’re not doing anyone any favors when you’re working harder at solving their problems than they are.
Commit to only helping people who are invested in helping themselves. If you start dating someone and you’re tempted to fix them, consider it a sign that neither of you are ready for a relationship.
What This Means For YouThere are many reasons why it may seem like you attract people with major issues. How you were raised might be part of it, but it can also be a way to avoid dealing with your own problems. Remind yourself that current compatibility is more important than future potential. Keep your eye out for red flags and consider talking to a mental health professional to learn more about your own relationship patterns andattachment styles.
What This Means For You
There are many reasons why it may seem like you attract people with major issues. How you were raised might be part of it, but it can also be a way to avoid dealing with your own problems. Remind yourself that current compatibility is more important than future potential. Keep your eye out for red flags and consider talking to a mental health professional to learn more about your own relationship patterns andattachment styles.
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