Find a TherapistReady to get started?Ready toget started?Add your email to continueEmailGet startedBy submitting your email, you agree to receive reminders and marketing communications.
Ready to get started?Ready toget started?Add your email to continueEmailGet startedBy submitting your email, you agree to receive reminders and marketing communications.
Ready to get started?
Ready toget started?
Add your email to continue
Get started
By submitting your email, you agree to receive reminders and marketing communications.
Mental Health HomepageConditions LibraryConditions CategoryConditions CategoryAsk a Therapist: “How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist”
Table of Contents:OverviewStart With Understanding Narcissistic Personality DisorderWhat Boundaries Should I Have with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?What to Expect When Setting Boundaries with a “Narcissist”9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality DisorderRead Time: 9 Minutes
Published On: February 4, 2022
Reviewed On: February 4, 2022
Updated On: November 3, 2023
OverviewKnowing how to set boundaries with someone withnarcissistic personality disorder(NPD) can be overwhelming. You probably feel emotionally and mentally drained as you’re trying to navigate a very difficult relationship.Use the tips we have for you here to be confident in your own ability to set firm boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
Overview
Knowing how to set boundaries with someone withnarcissistic personality disorder(NPD) can be overwhelming. You probably feel emotionally and mentally drained as you’re trying to navigate a very difficult relationship.
Use the tips we have for you here to be confident in your own ability to set firm boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
Start With Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder
The first step in setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder is understanding more about narcissistic traits and the disorder itself.
Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as someone who doesn’t have empathy about how their behavior and actions affect the people in their life. A narcissistic person has an intense need for admiration and exhibit patterns of grandiosity. They often can’t accept responsibility and tend to dominate relationships in their life.
What Boundaries Should I Have with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder and emotional boundaries may seem impossible, but you can do it. Here are some boundaries you may want to put in place to protect yourself fromnarcissistic abusefrom a “narcissistic mother,” “narcissistic father,” or partner.
It’s important to note, if you’re in a relationship (whether romantic or familial) with someone with narcissistic personality disorder and it’s become abusive or toxic, boundaries may not be enough. If you’re unsafe, you need to remove yourself from the relationship and the toxic person as soon as possible.
Don’t let them talk to you any way they want
Expert Insight
Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), MA, MScBisma Anwar
Don’t let them treat you in a disrespectful or hurtful mannerYes, words can be hurtful, but so can how someone treats you. Make sure you’re OK with how you’re being treated in a relationship, especially if it’s with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder. If you feel disrespected, hurt, or have been experiencingnarcissistic gaslighting, let them know that you’re not OK with that.Ask them not to share your personal information with othersYour personal information is yours. Somebody with NPD, such as a narcissistic parent, may try to use your personal experience and information against you. Be very clear about what you are and are not OK with them sharing.Demand they respect your opinions and thoughtsEverybody deserves to have their opinions and thoughts heard. If you don’t feel respected, setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can help you feel heard so you can feel more valued in the relationship.Insist that they listen when you say “no”Setting boundaries will mean nothing if you don’t insist that they’re respected. If you firmly say no to something, be sure you’re heard. If you’re not being listened to, you should feel comfortable putting distance in the relationship. Your feelings are valid, important, and should be respected,especiallywhen you’re openly and blatantly expressing what you’re against or don’t want.Ask for your personal space when you need itWe all need space in life. It’s an important part ofself-care. If you’re feeling suffocated or crowded, it’s OK for you to ask for some personal space. Take the time to do something for yourself that makes you feel good for the sake of your mental health.Make sure you’re OK with the physical and sexual aspects of the relationshipYou should feel safe in every relationship in your life. This is true even (or perhaps especially) in relationships with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. Feeling safe can be in terms of the physical relationship you have with someone, or it can be the sexual parts of your relationship. Either way, you deserve to be comfortable in every way and aspect. You should feel confident in expressing your needs and boundaries in these areas.Ensure that your financial relationship is equitable and acceptableFinancial abuse is a difficult and not-often talked about component of many relationships. If you find yourself in a situation where somebody with NPD has financial control over you, whether they are a narcissistic family member or narcissistic spouse, they may be using it as a power play. All financial relationships in your life should be based on equality and something that you’re comfortable with.
Don’t let them treat you in a disrespectful or hurtful manner
Yes, words can be hurtful, but so can how someone treats you. Make sure you’re OK with how you’re being treated in a relationship, especially if it’s with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder. If you feel disrespected, hurt, or have been experiencingnarcissistic gaslighting, let them know that you’re not OK with that.
Ask them not to share your personal information with others
Your personal information is yours. Somebody with NPD, such as a narcissistic parent, may try to use your personal experience and information against you. Be very clear about what you are and are not OK with them sharing.
Demand they respect your opinions and thoughts
Everybody deserves to have their opinions and thoughts heard. If you don’t feel respected, setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can help you feel heard so you can feel more valued in the relationship.
Insist that they listen when you say “no”
Setting boundaries will mean nothing if you don’t insist that they’re respected. If you firmly say no to something, be sure you’re heard. If you’re not being listened to, you should feel comfortable putting distance in the relationship. Your feelings are valid, important, and should be respected,especiallywhen you’re openly and blatantly expressing what you’re against or don’t want.
Ask for your personal space when you need it
We all need space in life. It’s an important part ofself-care. If you’re feeling suffocated or crowded, it’s OK for you to ask for some personal space. Take the time to do something for yourself that makes you feel good for the sake of your mental health.
Make sure you’re OK with the physical and sexual aspects of the relationship
You should feel safe in every relationship in your life. This is true even (or perhaps especially) in relationships with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder. Feeling safe can be in terms of the physical relationship you have with someone, or it can be the sexual parts of your relationship. Either way, you deserve to be comfortable in every way and aspect. You should feel confident in expressing your needs and boundaries in these areas.
Ensure that your financial relationship is equitable and acceptable
Financial abuse is a difficult and not-often talked about component of many relationships. If you find yourself in a situation where somebody with NPD has financial control over you, whether they are a narcissistic family member or narcissistic spouse, they may be using it as a power play. All financial relationships in your life should be based on equality and something that you’re comfortable with.
What to Expect When Setting Boundaries with a “Narcissist”You can and should feel confident setting boundaries in your relationships. That goes for any relationship of course, but it’s even more important when you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD or is showing narcissistic behavior. There are a few things to be aware of though.Setting firm boundaries with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder may trigger them into cycling through their behavior. Be prepared for them to:Act like a victimArgue with youBlame you or make things seem like your faultAccuse you of being too sensitiveMinimize your feelingsBecome angryThe bottom line, and what you must keep in mind, is that your boundaries need to be put in place. You’re taking care of yourself, and you deserve to have boundaries in place that protect you and make you feel safe and comfortable in your relationship.
What to Expect When Setting Boundaries with a “Narcissist”
You can and should feel confident setting boundaries in your relationships. That goes for any relationship of course, but it’s even more important when you’re in a relationship with someone with NPD or is showing narcissistic behavior. There are a few things to be aware of though.
Setting firm boundaries with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder may trigger them into cycling through their behavior. Be prepared for them to:
The bottom line, and what you must keep in mind, is that your boundaries need to be put in place. You’re taking care of yourself, and you deserve to have boundaries in place that protect you and make you feel safe and comfortable in your relationship.
9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Some of the following tips might help you navigate the conversation and process of setting boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
1. Find a therapist to help you
Therapists are well-trained in guiding you in how to handle narcissistic personality disorder and boundaries. Through your sessions, you’ll work on feeling strong and confident, identify why you are attracted to a narcissistic person, and learn strategies on how to manage the relationship and tips forhealing from narcissistic abuse.
2. Decide what you are (and aren’t!) OK with
The first step in setting boundaries with anybody is deciding what your limits are. It’s important for you to have a clear idea in your own mind about what is and isn’t acceptable. This will allow you to communicate things clearly to your narcissistic spouse or partner.
3. If it doesn’t feel right or healthy, leave
Trusting your gut is important when you’re learning how to set boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. The more you can learn to identify and trust when situations or conversations don’t feel right, the better you’ll be able to handle this difficult relationship
4. You don’t have to justify, defend, or explain why you need a specific boundary
Your boundaries are yours alone. You don’t need to defend or explain why you’re setting them to your narcissistic partner. It’s your life, and these are your decisions. If something doesn’t feel good, you’re not responsible for explaining anything more beyond that.
6. Remember the power of narcissistic personality disorder
One of the reasons why understanding narcissistic personality disorder and boundaries can be so challenging is that people with narcissistic behavior tend to hold power over others. Keep in mind just how powerful that grip can be. Especially if you’ve been in the relationship for a long time, their need to control you might have been normalized at some point.
7. Don’t be afraid to be firm and blunt
When learning how to set boundaries with a narcissist, be firm, blunt, and very clear about what you need and expect. This is the strongest way that your boundaries will be taken seriously.
8. Don’t forget about the consequences
It’s important for you to communicate what the consequences will be if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries. This should be something you’ve clearly identified in your own mind,beforeyou go into the conversation where you tell them things need to be different. Having a clear consequence sets the expectation from the beginning, and when you follow through, it gives you credibility.
9. Don’t give anything more
It can be difficult, but setting your boundaries is just step one. Once you do that, you must be steadfast in your conviction. Resist the urge to continue giving to the relationship, especially if your boundaries are not being respected. When you’re constantly giving and getting nothing in return, it’s the perfect storm that can end in you being both vulnerable and wildly unhappy. You deserve as much as you give to the relationship. If you’re not getting what you need to return, stop giving.
Being in a relationship and knowing how to set boundaries with someone with narcissistic personality disorder can be challenging. Youcando it though, and once you see the difference in the relationship and how you feel, it’ll be more than worth the effort you put in to make the changes.
See ReferencesPrevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Stinson F, Dawson D, Goldstein R et al. J Clin Psychiatry. 2008;69(7):1033-1045. doi:10.4088/jcp.v69n0701. Accessed December 20, 2021.Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Mitra P, Fluyau D. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Published 2021. Accessed December 20, 2021.
See References
Stinson F, Dawson D, Goldstein R et al. J Clin Psychiatry. 2008;69(7):1033-1045. doi:10.4088/jcp.v69n0701. Accessed December 20, 2021.
Mitra P, Fluyau D. Ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Published 2021. Accessed December 20, 2021.
Bisma AnwarBisma Anwar is the Team Lead for the Talkspace Council of Mental Health Experts. A major focus in her work has been anxiety management and helping her clients develop healthy coping skills, reduce stress and prevent burnout. She serves on the board of a non-profit organization based in NYC called The Heal Collective which promotes advocacy and awareness of mental health issues in BIPOC communities.
Bisma Anwar is the Team Lead for the Talkspace Council of Mental Health Experts. A major focus in her work has been anxiety management and helping her clients develop healthy coping skills, reduce stress and prevent burnout. She serves on the board of a non-profit organization based in NYC called The Heal Collective which promotes advocacy and awareness of mental health issues in BIPOC communities.
Share
Effective and affordable mental health treatmentGet Started
Effective and affordable mental health treatment
Related Articles About Narcissistic Personality DisorderView all articlesNarcissistic Personality DisorderMarch 26, 2024How to Heal from Narcissistic ParentsNarcissistic Personality DisorderDecember 28, 2023How to Live With a NarcissistNarcissistic Personality DisorderDecember 28, 2023What to Know About Dating After Narcissistic AbuseNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 28, 2023How to Respond to a NarcissistNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 28, 2023How to Leave & End a Relationship With a NarcissistNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 27, 2023How to Get a Narcissist to Respect YouNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 27, 2023Narcissistic Rage: Identifying & Protecting Yourself From ItNarcissistic Personality DisorderFebruary 21, 2023How to Diagnose Narcissistic Personality DisorderNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 29, 2022Narcissistic Abuse: Examples, Signs, and EffectsNarcissistic Personality DisorderAugust 30, 2022Sociopathy vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Similarities & Differences
Related Articles About Narcissistic Personality DisorderView all articles
Related Articles About Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality DisorderMarch 26, 2024How to Heal from Narcissistic ParentsNarcissistic Personality DisorderDecember 28, 2023How to Live With a NarcissistNarcissistic Personality DisorderDecember 28, 2023What to Know About Dating After Narcissistic AbuseNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 28, 2023How to Respond to a NarcissistNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 28, 2023How to Leave & End a Relationship With a NarcissistNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 27, 2023How to Get a Narcissist to Respect YouNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 27, 2023Narcissistic Rage: Identifying & Protecting Yourself From ItNarcissistic Personality DisorderFebruary 21, 2023How to Diagnose Narcissistic Personality DisorderNarcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 29, 2022Narcissistic Abuse: Examples, Signs, and EffectsNarcissistic Personality DisorderAugust 30, 2022Sociopathy vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Similarities & Differences
Narcissistic Personality DisorderMarch 26, 2024How to Heal from Narcissistic Parents
Narcissistic Personality DisorderDecember 28, 2023How to Live With a Narcissist
Narcissistic Personality DisorderDecember 28, 2023What to Know About Dating After Narcissistic Abuse
Narcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 28, 2023How to Respond to a Narcissist
Narcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 28, 2023How to Leave & End a Relationship With a Narcissist
Narcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 27, 2023How to Get a Narcissist to Respect You
Narcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 27, 2023Narcissistic Rage: Identifying & Protecting Yourself From It
Narcissistic Personality DisorderFebruary 21, 2023How to Diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality DisorderSeptember 29, 2022Narcissistic Abuse: Examples, Signs, and Effects
Narcissistic Personality DisorderAugust 30, 2022Sociopathy vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Similarities & Differences
If you are in a life threatening situation – don’t use this site. Call 988 or useto get immediate help.
Therapy may be free for you
