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In the “Ask a Therapist” series, I’ll be answering your questions about all things mental health and psychology. Whether you are struggling with a mental health condition, coping with anxiety about a life situation, or simply looking for a therapist’s insight,submit a question. Look out for my answers to your questions every Friday in theHealthy Mind newsletter.
Our Reader AsksWhen I share good news with some of my friends or family members, they immediately point out the negative. Or, when I ask them how they’re doing, they just list all the bad things going on in the world. How do I deal with negative people in my life?
Our Reader Asks
When I share good news with some of my friends or family members, they immediately point out the negative. Or, when I ask them how they’re doing, they just list all the bad things going on in the world. How do I deal with negative people in my life?
Amy’s Answer
Give Feedback About Your Experience
If there’s a specific person in your life who always points out the potential pitfalls of your positive plans, gently point it out.
They also might think they’re doing you a favor. Someone might say, “I don’t want you to be naïve going into this situation so I had to give you a reality check about all the things that could go wrong.” Even though their heart might be in the right place, theirnegative attitudeisn’t likely to be helpful.
Go After the Good
You might also talk about the good things in your life. Acknowledge there are some things that aren’t all that great, but emphasize the importance of focusing on some of the good things, too.
Why We’re Hardwired to Focus on the Negative
Say What You Need Up Front
You might find it’s helpful sometimes to say what you want before you strike up the conversation. It might sound something like this, “I know several things could go wrong with this plan. But it’s not helpful for me to hear about those things right now. When I tell you what I’m doing, it’d be great to hear some positive things.”
Some people change their tune when you ask them to avoid reminding you of the negative. But certainly, not everyone will be able to do that. You might have some friends and family members who just can’t cheer you on for one reason or another.
They’re Reflecting Themselves, Not Your Chances of Success
Someone who feels the world is an awful place is likely to point out all the things that could go wrong. And someone who feels awful about themselves is likely to say negative things about other people.
Establish Healthy Boundaries
You might decide it’s best to establish somehealthy boundariesfor yourself. That may mean limiting your interactions with certain individuals. It could range from ending phone calls when they become overly negative or it might involve ending a friendship altogether.
You might decide you’re better off keeping certain people at a distance. Tell them only the information you want them to have, and limit your exposure to them.
Grieving the Relationships You Wish You Had
Of course, none of these things are easy to do when you care about someone. If you have an unsupportive parent or a sibling who can’t ever be happy for you, it’s normal to experience grief as you accept they aren’t able to provide you with the things you need.
Coming to terms with the fact that a loved one isn’t able to cheer you on, lend a supportive ear, or provide help when you need it, is sad. And you might find that you keep wishing they would change.
While there’s always a chance that they’ll change down the road, you might need to accept them for who they are right now—someone who isn’t able to be a positive person in your life.
Hopefully, you have somesupportive peoplein your life who can be happy for you. If you don’t, go find some. It’s important for all of us to have some happy, healthy people who can cheer us on in life.
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