As a Therapist and Suicide Survivor, Here's What Made Me Reconsider Ending My Life

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsConfronting the TriggersRealizing I Really Wanted an EscapeSeeing It As a Coping MechanismThis, Too, Shall PassFeeling Safe Sharing My FeelingsBeing Responsible for Other PeopleI Don’t Want to Piss My Mom Off in the Afterlife

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Confronting the Triggers

Realizing I Really Wanted an Escape

Seeing It As a Coping Mechanism

This, Too, Shall Pass

Feeling Safe Sharing My Feelings

Being Responsible for Other People

I Don’t Want to Piss My Mom Off in the Afterlife

Care and Trigger WarningThis article contains content about suicide. If reading this brings up uncomfortable feelings for you, you can speak confidentially with trained advocates for free. Contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Care and Trigger Warning

This article contains content about suicide. If reading this brings up uncomfortable feelings for you, you can speak confidentially with trained advocates for free. Contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Until suicidal thoughts haunted me, I couldn’t fathom why someone would think about taking their own life. Then, my mother’s ovarian cancer diagnosis was updated to Stage IV, and I fantasized about throwing myself in front of a taxi in New York City.

Within a six-month span in 2017, I had to give up my dog, my mom died, I had a break-up, and I got laid off. As these losses mounted and compounded, the voice in my head tempting me to just end it all intensified from a whisper to a shout.

When I thought about the rest of my life, all I could see was bleakness. I saw myself feeling that depressed forever and continuing to be hit with nothing but a string of losses and setbacks that I would have to face all alone, with no parents and no partner.

This isn’t uncommon; research shows that anywhere from 15 to 50 percent of those grieving loved ones may experiencesuicidal ideation.

How Suicidal Feelings Manifest in Young Men—Including Myself

When I was sober, I could summon the resolve to not act on these thoughts, but alcohol became a razor-sharp double-edged sword for me. It is, of course,a depressant, and it also weakened the rational part of my brain that knew that mixing wine andbenzodiazepineswas a very bad idea.

Twice, that double-edged sword slashed through all resolve and reason. I found myself in a weird no man’s land of being intoxicated enough to feel a total loss of control yet aware enough to know, on some level, that I was scared of what it would feel like to become even more intoxicated on my way to death.

I’ve joked since that my depression tried to kill me, but my anxiety saved my life, as I got into the very taxi I’d wanted to hurl myself against to go to the ER, both times.

The first time, I voluntarily checked myself into thepsych wardat that hospital for a week; the second time, although it was February 3, it felt a little too much like Groundhog Day as I found myself in the same room in the same ER going through the same exact processes as the previous time. When I realized this, I immediately vowed not to become a frequent flyer there.

But after that second attempt, I decided I wanted to fight as hard as I could against those difficult thoughts in my brain and checked myself into residential treatment for six weeks, determined to do whatever I could to heal.

I’m not sure that there’s one moment that made me less suicidal, but rather a number of revelations and many, many smaller moments where I have actively chosen to stay to fight another day instead.

Suicidal thoughts still pop up from time to time, unfortunately, but they are an occasional visitor instead of the houseguest that won’t leave. Here are some of the things that have helped me fight back against the demons in my head.

A Day in the Life With Depression

So no, I didn’t really want to die because of something mean someone said. It sounds so silly to say it that way, but it’s what my brain would immediately go to.

Before going to treatment, I could only recognize the triggers—a song that reminded me of my mom, a picture on Instagram of someone’s cute family that reminded me I was single, news of someone’s promotion that reminded me of my unemployment.

Realizing What I Had Really Wanted Was an Escape

I also realized that I never actually really wanted to die in the first place. For the first year or two, after leaving residential treatment, I would fantasize about a suicide attempt that would land me back in residential treatment. It took me a while, but I eventually realized that I didn’t actually want to die. I just really wanted to escape.

On some level, I don’t think I ever truly wanted to end my life; I just wanted a relief from the pain that I was feeling, and nothing I had done up until that point had worked, so I didn’t believe anything else would work in the future, either.

Suicide attemptsand “suicidal gestures” are sometimes called—in a derisive way—“a cry for help” or attention. Because I had relativelyhigh-functioning depressionand didn’t fully withdraw from my life, I felt like I wasn’t being taken seriously enough because I believed nobody could understand my pain—but I also had a hard time communicating it.

As a society, we say we want people to ask for help when they need it, but often people feel like they aren’t taken seriously.

Seeing It As a Coping Mechanism and Finding Other Coping Mechanisms

My therapist and I identified that, typically, the suicidal ideation came at the bottom of aspiral.Initially, I told her the thoughts came on too quickly to catch the ones before them.

Over time, I learned that actually, I was just ignoring the thoughts preceding the ideation, such as “I’m going to die alone” or “I’m a failure professionally.”

I also will “go searching” for reasons to justify why I’m so depressed and deserve to die. Typically, even if there are a bunch of hard things going on at once, it’s usually only one or two difficult things causing an emotion in a given moment.

I’m able to tell myself, “You don’t want to die; you’re just stressed that ___ is happening, and it makes everything else look bleak.”

Healthy Coping Skills for Uncomfortable Emotions

I realized that the bad times would pass.To be fair, it took until a lot of the bad times had already passed for me to realize this. It’s something that’s so hard to see through the fog. This might sound trite saying, but “you’ve survived 100% of your bad days” got me through.

I had alreadybeenthrough worse things. These were “just” thoughts and feelings. Experiencing my mom dying is still worse than my feeling like I wanted to die.

Sometimes, I give clients my own spin on “this too shall pass“—”this too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

Before going to treatment, I barely felt safe sharing my emotions in therapy, much less in “real life.” My mom was amazing in so many ways, but she either coddled me or invalidated my emotions, so I had a hard time trusting that others wouldn’t dismiss what I felt.

Early in the pandemic, I had one more incident where I drank too much and took too many pills. Like so many others at that time, I was feeling so afraid and lonely with what was happening, and I wanted so badly to numb out.

“You don’t need to excessively be altered to let people know how you are feeling,” my therapist told me, and I’m a little ashamed to admit just how much of a lightbulb moment that was.

Sounding the alarm was the way to get myself heard growing up, but as an adult, I could…just tell people how I was feeling? It had genuinely never occurred to me I could tell people more than that I was feeling depressed…I could tell them why?!

Being Responsible for Other People Gave Me Purpose

But more than that, becoming a therapist and working with other people through their pain helped me find a purpose for my own suffering. While I initially considered my suicide attempts and hospitalizations as my own kind of scarlet letter as a therapist around colleagues, I realized that it was an asset with my clients.

Whether I disclosed or not didn’t always matter—I’ve learned that these lived experiences give me a level of knowledge and empathy you just can’t find in a book or a training.

One of my best friends said to me once, “Your mom would be mad if she saw you before she was supposed to.“

I’m not sure what exactly I believe about the afterlife, but I do believe in its existence, and I absolutely know I do not want to face the wrath of my Sicilian mother there for eternity.

That’s reason enough to keep living and let nature take its course to determine my last day.

Crisis SupportIf you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.988

Crisis Support

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

988

The Layered Trauma of Losing My Adoptive Mother

1 SourceVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Molina N, Viola M, Rogers M, et al.Suicidal ideation in bereavement: a systematic review.Behav Sci (Basel).2019;9(5):53. doi:10.3390/bs9050053

1 Source

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Molina N, Viola M, Rogers M, et al.Suicidal ideation in bereavement: a systematic review.Behav Sci (Basel).2019;9(5):53. doi:10.3390/bs9050053

Molina N, Viola M, Rogers M, et al.Suicidal ideation in bereavement: a systematic review.Behav Sci (Basel).2019;9(5):53. doi:10.3390/bs9050053

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Care and Trigger Warning#

Realizing What I Had Really Wanted Was an Escape#

Seeing It As a Coping Mechanism and Finding Other Coping Mechanisms#

Being Responsible for Other People Gave Me Purpose#

Crisis Support#

Care and Trigger Warning

Realizing What I Had Really Wanted Was an Escape

Seeing It As a Coping Mechanism and Finding Other Coping Mechanisms

Being Responsible for Other People Gave Me Purpose

Crisis Support