Often, people come into therapy complaining that their partner is difficult, or depressed, or self-absorbed. Yet, over the course of counseling, it becomes obvious that they, themselves, struggle with these issues.

However, instead of openly admitting and acknowledging these issues in themselves, their subconscious throws up a defensive wall, and they instead tell themselves that these issues characterize their partner.

Couples Therapy OnlineStrengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.Learn more

Couples Therapy OnlineStrengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.

Couples Therapy Online

Strengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.

Learn more

Identifying Projection

To help understand how someone who projects operates, here are some examples of projection in relatable contexts:

Are You Projecting? Here’s How to Tell

One way to determine whether you may be projecting your issues onto your partner is to think about the issues that you are most ashamed about — even if it’s difficult.

For some, the issue is rooted in a mental illness, such asdepressionoranxiety. For others, it is something about their looks, what they have accomplished in their lives, or how well they get along with others. Whatever this issue is, doyoufind yourself telling your partner that they struggle with it?

Even if you and your partner both struggle with the same key issues, it is unfair to your partner — and unhealthy for your relationship — if you don’t discuss your own struggles, and instead solely focus on whether or how your partner exhibits them. After a while, your partner will get sick of being criticized, and will either leave or start criticizing you back.

Also, and even more importantly, projecting your own issues gets you no closer to actually working on and resolving them.

Finding Solutions Using Our Previous Examples

In the examples from the start of this article, if the mother was able to address her own inability to empathize with her daughter, and figure out why this is a problem for her (in this example, we see that it’s probably related to her own issues with her mom, or replicating how her mother treated her), then she may be able to develop a closer and more loving relationship with her daughter.

If the woman in the second example did the hard work of looking at her own career stagnation, she might decide to go back to school or change careers.

If the man in the last example confronted his underlying challenges, he might address his weight gain and body image issues more directly, through a fitness program and or therapy.

Consider Therapy to Help Work Through Relationship Issues

Therapy is very useful in helping with projection.Couples counselingcan teach couples how to deal with their issues in a more direct, open, and honest way, without passive aggressive projection or other problematic communication styles.

Additionally, individual counseling can help partners address their own issues, which never seem as hopeless or painful once they are discussed openly with an empathic, objective third party. If this article resonates with you, share it with your partner and use it to open up discuss on this topic.

Anddon’t be afraid, it’s never too late to start a healthier pattern of communication in your relationship, and to work on yourself while you’re at it!

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.

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