Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is Emotional Cheating?Emotional Cheating vs. Platonic FriendshipEmotional Cheating vs. Micro-CheatingWarning SignsHow to Protect Your Marriage
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
What Is Emotional Cheating?
Emotional Cheating vs. Platonic Friendship
Emotional Cheating vs. Micro-Cheating
Warning Signs
How to Protect Your Marriage
Close
Emotional cheating is an emotional affair that involves having non-sexual emotional intimacy with someone who is not the individual’s romantic partner. Someone having an emotional affair may hide it from their partner or even use deception to keep the relationship a secret.
An emotional affair generally starts innocently enough as a friendship. But when a person invests significant emotional energy and time in a close friendship outside of their marriage, it’s possible for the friendship to form an emotional bond that ultimately threatens and hurts the person’s intimacy with their spouse or partner.
At a GlanceWhile some believe that an emotional affair is harmless given that there is no sexual relationship, most marriage and relationship experts view it as a form of cheating.Emotional affairs can also act as gatewayaffairs, eventually leading to emotional and sexual infidelity. For many, the most hurtful and painful consequence of a partner’s emotional cheating is the sense of being deceived,betrayed, and lied to.
At a Glance
While some believe that an emotional affair is harmless given that there is no sexual relationship, most marriage and relationship experts view it as a form of cheating.Emotional affairs can also act as gatewayaffairs, eventually leading to emotional and sexual infidelity. For many, the most hurtful and painful consequence of a partner’s emotional cheating is the sense of being deceived,betrayed, and lied to.
While some believe that an emotional affair is harmless given that there is no sexual relationship, most marriage and relationship experts view it as a form of cheating.
Emotional affairs can also act as gatewayaffairs, eventually leading to emotional and sexual infidelity. For many, the most hurtful and painful consequence of a partner’s emotional cheating is the sense of being deceived,betrayed, and lied to.
Verywell / Jessica Olah
Emotional cheating is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage but also receives emotional support and companionship from the other relationship.
In an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other person than their spouse or partner and may experience increasing sexual tension or chemistry along with the emotional intimacy.
If you believe your spouse’s emotional energy is limited, and they’re sharing their most intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else, it’s possible that an emotional affair has developed.
One of the differences between a close platonic friendship and an emotional affair is that the extent of their emotional investment andintimacyis downplayed or even kept secret from the spouse or partner.
Another key difference is that people involved in emotional cheating often feel a sexual attraction to one another. Sometimes the sexual attraction is acknowledged, and sometimes it isn’t.
Clinical psychologistSabrina Romanoff, PsyD, one of Verywell’s Review Board Members, definesmicro-cheatingas “moderately small actions which just cross the threshold of appropriateness with a person other than one’s partner.”
Dr. Romanoff continues, “These are things, when examined in isolation, might not be characterized as infidelity, but are irrefutable violations of trust. When examined collectively, these actions can readily be perceived as leading to overt cheating in the future.”
In micro-cheating, “you might engage in behaviors (e.g., liking their social media post or repeatedly visiting their profile) that don’t necessarily require reciprocity or emotional connection,” she says.
An emotional affair, on the other hand, inherently involves more emotional investment and there’s generally involvement from both parties. According to Dr. Romanoff, in an emotional affair, “you will tend to experience mental fixation on the other person.”
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyDMicro-cheating differs from emotional cheating as in the latter you will tend to experience mental fixation on the other person. They will occupy more space in your mind, and in turn, your behaviors might shift to create more moments to connect with them.
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Micro-cheating differs from emotional cheating as in the latter you will tend to experience mental fixation on the other person. They will occupy more space in your mind, and in turn, your behaviors might shift to create more moments to connect with them.
Warning Signs of Emotional Cheating
How can you tell if something counts as emotional cheating? Emotional affairs commonly develop over time progressing toward deeper and deeper emotional investment and intimacy. Though they may develop gradually and unintentionally, there are several warning signs that your close friendship is an emotional affair:
Emotional cheating involves developing a closeness with another person that interferes with your connection to your partner. Instead of focusing this attention on your partner, you are giving that emotional investment to someone outside of your relationship.
Questions to Ask YourselfIf you have a close friendship that you think may have crossed the line into an emotional affair, consider asking yourself the following questions:Are you experiencing repetitive hostility and conflict in your marriage?Do you feel an emotional distance from your spouse?Do you find it difficult to talk with your spouse?Are you sharing more with your friend than you are with your spouse?Do you think your friend understands you better than your spouse?Are you sexually attracted to your friend?Is the phrase, “We’re just friends,” your rationalization for your close friendship?Does your spouse know about the friendship or the depth of your friendship?Do you look forward to being with your friend more than being with your spouse?When you talk to your spouse about your day, do you avoid talking about your interactions with this friend?Would you be upset if your partner had the same level of intimacy with one of their friends?
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you have a close friendship that you think may have crossed the line into an emotional affair, consider asking yourself the following questions:Are you experiencing repetitive hostility and conflict in your marriage?Do you feel an emotional distance from your spouse?Do you find it difficult to talk with your spouse?Are you sharing more with your friend than you are with your spouse?Do you think your friend understands you better than your spouse?Are you sexually attracted to your friend?Is the phrase, “We’re just friends,” your rationalization for your close friendship?Does your spouse know about the friendship or the depth of your friendship?Do you look forward to being with your friend more than being with your spouse?When you talk to your spouse about your day, do you avoid talking about your interactions with this friend?Would you be upset if your partner had the same level of intimacy with one of their friends?
If you have a close friendship that you think may have crossed the line into an emotional affair, consider asking yourself the following questions:
Signs You’re Having an Emotional Affair
Signs Your Partner Is Having an Emotional Affair
Conversely, if you are worried that your spouse or partner is having an emotional affair, there are some warning signs to be aware of:
How to Protect Your Marriage From Emotional Cheating
There are differing views on how to protect a relationship against emotional cheating, some of which aren’t without controversy.
In fact, Neuman goes as far as to say that limiting your relationships with others is “the single most important thing you can do for your marriage.” And he is not alone.
But others call this approach problematic. Not only does it not address the underlying issues that can motivate someone to seek emotional intimacy outside of their marriage, but it can also create a sense ofisolationfor married and partnered people.
Friendships andsocial supportare important forpsychological well-being, and having them does not need to come at the cost of your primary relationship.
The reality is that it takes both partners in a relationship to guard against emotional infidelity. A marriage or partnership is best protected when both people work together to build a marriage on a strong foundation of friendship andtrust.
Neuman’s other suggestions, such as having weekly dates and setting aside time fordiscussions and conversation, support this idea. Other ideas that can bolster emotional intimacy and trust within a marriage include:
Takeaways
Emotional cheating can create pain and conflict in a relationship, even if it isn’t intentional. If you or your partner are involved in an emotional affair, consider talking to a couples therapist. They can help you discuss your concerns and improve your communication as a couple.
Protecting yourself from emotional cheating doesn’t have to mean cutting yourself off from your friendships. Instead, focus on becoming closer as a couple and building a relationship built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect.
The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and Tested
4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Neuman MG.Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship. Penguin Random House; 2002.Buss DM.Sexual and emotional infidelity: Evolved gender differences in jealousy prove robust and replicable.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2018;13(2):155-160. doi:10.1177/1745691617698225American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Infidelity.Northwestern University.Healthy and unhealthy relationships.
4 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Neuman MG.Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship. Penguin Random House; 2002.Buss DM.Sexual and emotional infidelity: Evolved gender differences in jealousy prove robust and replicable.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2018;13(2):155-160. doi:10.1177/1745691617698225American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Infidelity.Northwestern University.Healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Neuman MG.Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship. Penguin Random House; 2002.Buss DM.Sexual and emotional infidelity: Evolved gender differences in jealousy prove robust and replicable.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2018;13(2):155-160. doi:10.1177/1745691617698225American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Infidelity.Northwestern University.Healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Neuman MG.Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship. Penguin Random House; 2002.
Buss DM.Sexual and emotional infidelity: Evolved gender differences in jealousy prove robust and replicable.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2018;13(2):155-160. doi:10.1177/1745691617698225
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.Infidelity.
Northwestern University.Healthy and unhealthy relationships.
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