While it’s a cliche to say that every cliche contains a grain of truth, the common idea that men are less emotionally available than women is one that persists — perhaps for good reason.
According to gender stereotype, a man who isn’t emotionally available does things like:
Below we’ll discuss some of the factors possibly contributing to men being less emotionally available, why they persist, and potential ways that men can open up.
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Couples Therapy OnlineStrengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.
Couples Therapy Online
Strengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.
Learn more
Emotionally Unavailable or avoidant attachment
As a couples counselor, I see a significant number of men who fit the description of “emotionally unavailable.” This can otherwise be described as “avoidant attachment.”
Not Just a Problem for Men
Despite the common stereotype of men being more emotionally unavailable, in my experience, there are many women that can be characterized this way as well. Often, they act differently than emotionally unavailable men; they are frequently more likely to commit to marriage, possibly because society trains women to focus on marriage andchildren as a priority. But when you examine the micro-interactions within any relationship, emotionally unavailable women are just as difficult to be close to as their male counterparts.
But what are the features of emotionally unavailable women?
Here are examples of how emotionally unavailable women can act within relationships In my experience as a couples counselor, in relationships emotionally unavailable women tend to:
Criticizing partners for not doing enough, but being uncomfortable depending on anyone
Contributing Factors
Emotional unavailability manifests similarly across genders, with minor differences and variations. Furthermore, many men that I see in my practice are much more emotionally available than their female partners.
They are decidedly the more romantic and verbally expressive in their relationship, and are frustrated and resentful that their attempts at romance or emotional intimacy are rebuffed or diminished.
Every Relationship is Different
Rather than pigeonholing men as less emotionally available, it isimportant to look at every relationship as a whole,and to look at the patterns of relationships over time. Often, people who are drawn to one emotionally unavailable partner have been drawn to others in the past. As stated above, this is often due to subconscious attraction to a partner who is similar to a parent; if your parent or parents didn’t give you what you needed emotionally, you may be drawn to a partner who doesn’t either.
Paths Forward
No matter why you have ended up in a relationship with an emotionally avoidant partners, the key challenge you will likely face is how to feel close and secure within a relationship with someone who looks down on the expression of feelings.
Couples therapy can be very helpful in this regard, as can individual therapy that explores the origin of your romantic choices and helps you figure out whether your relationship is working.
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