"Am I Unlovable?"

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsHow It FeelsCausesEffectsCopingOvercoming

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

How It Feels

Causes

Effects

Coping

Overcoming

Close

Acceptance and love are fundamental human needs.Abraham Maslow, a psychologist who studied motivation and need, identified “love and belonging” as one of thefive essential human needsin order to live our lives to the fullest.

Learn reasons why you might feelunlovableand ways to cope with this feeling.

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

What It Means to Feel Unlovable

Unlovable simply means not lovable. So, someone who questions, “Am I unlovable?” has concerns about whether they are an unlovable person, or not able to be loved.

Feelings of being unlovable can be experienced in multiple ways:

It is important to remember that, even if you feel that you are unlovable or unworthy ofpositive regardfrom other people, this does not mean that it is true.

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Causes of Feeling Unlovable

What makes you feel unlovable? A person might believe that they are unlovable for many different reasons, and many people experience this feeling at some point in their lives.

Reasons why someone might feel unlovable include:

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Consequences of Feeling Unlovable

Feeling unlovable can impact your life and relationships in many ways. People who feel unlovable might engage in people-pleasing behaviors and struggle with recognizing when someone is manipulating or taking advantage of them. This is because they believe that they need to earn love.

Because people who feel unlovable struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries, and abusive people seek to exploit them. The abusive person will manipulate their victim’s need for love and then mistreat them. It is important to remember that no one deserves abuse, and this behavior is never appropriate or acceptable.

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Coping with Feeling Unlovable

If you believe that you are unlovable, the first thing to remember is that feelings are not facts. Simply feeling unlovable does not mean that you are unlovable. People with depression, personality disorders, trauma history, and other issues that can cause someone to feel unlovable are not inherently unworthy of love or positive connections with others.

Remember that your thoughts can be inaccurate, and you do not deserve to be abused regardless of who you are. Maintain a support system of people who treat you well and respect you, and work to identify and prevent any self-sabotaging behaviors.

These feelings can lead to spirals ofnegative self-talkbecause you might get angry with yourself for having these negative thoughts. It can help to remember that thoughts are not always voluntary, and it is OK to have thoughts with which you disagree or thoughts that are not true.

Notice if you arecomparingyour experiences and feelings to those of other people. Remember that your emotions are valid even if someone else “has it worse” or seems “more deserving” than you do. Love is not a finite resource, and there is enough for everyone!

Overcoming Feelings of Being Unlovable

You can overcome feeling unlovable. People who feel this way can benefit from therapy services.Find a therapistwhose training and expertise fit with your background and other symptoms. Specifically,cognitive-behavioral therapycan help you identify maladaptive or incorrect thoughts and learn to replace these thoughts.

Learning to identify inaccurate thoughts takes a lot of practice. It can be a long, uphill challenge to develop this skill, but it can be done with proper support.

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A Word From Verywell

If you find yourself feeling unlovable or thinking that you do not deserve to be treated well, noticing this feeling and identifying it as maladaptive is a good first step in countering these thoughts. Everyone has inaccurate thoughts sometimes, and we can work to identify and re-frame these thoughts.

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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kulacaoglu F, Kose S.Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): In the Midst of Vulnerability, Chaos, and Awe.Brain Sci. 2018;8(11):201. Published 2018 Nov 18. doi:10.3390/brainsci8110201Bartholomew K, Horowitz, LM.Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model.Journal of personality and social psychology.1991;61(2):226.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kulacaoglu F, Kose S.Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): In the Midst of Vulnerability, Chaos, and Awe.Brain Sci. 2018;8(11):201. Published 2018 Nov 18. doi:10.3390/brainsci8110201Bartholomew K, Horowitz, LM.Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model.Journal of personality and social psychology.1991;61(2):226.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Kulacaoglu F, Kose S.Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): In the Midst of Vulnerability, Chaos, and Awe.Brain Sci. 2018;8(11):201. Published 2018 Nov 18. doi:10.3390/brainsci8110201Bartholomew K, Horowitz, LM.Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model.Journal of personality and social psychology.1991;61(2):226.

Kulacaoglu F, Kose S.Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): In the Midst of Vulnerability, Chaos, and Awe.Brain Sci. 2018;8(11):201. Published 2018 Nov 18. doi:10.3390/brainsci8110201

Bartholomew K, Horowitz, LM.Attachment styles among young adults: a test of a four-category model.Journal of personality and social psychology.1991;61(2):226.

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