ADHD and Toxic Relationships

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsToxic Relationships Suck the Life Out of YouThe Link Between ADHD and Toxic RelationshipsWhy Are People With ADHD More Susceptible to Abuse?Signs of a Toxic RelationshipCoping With a Toxic RelationshipBreaking Toxic Patterns

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Toxic Relationships Suck the Life Out of You

The Link Between ADHD and Toxic Relationships

Why Are People With ADHD More Susceptible to Abuse?

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Coping With a Toxic Relationship

Breaking Toxic Patterns

Close

Now, while building and maintaining relationships can be difficult for everyone, those with ADHD can encounter some unique challenges. For example, they may be seen as poor listeners due to being forgetful and distracted. Additionally, people with ADHD can display high novelty-seeking tendencies, which can sometimes lead them into toxic relationships when compared to the rest of the population.

Atoxic relationshipcan be understood to be any relationship that leaves a person feeling like their well-being is being threatened psychologically, emotionally, and even physically.

While no relationship is perfect, toxic relationships often leave people feeling unsupported, controlled, disrespected, and consistently misunderstood. As a result, anytime spent with a partner or significant other can leave the person feeling perpetually drained and unhappy.

What Is the Cycle of Violence?

While there is a range ofADHD symptoms, the ones commonly impacting relationships are emotional dysregulation, inattentiveness, impulsivity, forgetfulness, anddisorganization.

This isn’t to say that everyone with ADHD will face all of these challenges; however, for those with more severe symptoms, these are the ones that can impact a person’s ability tocommunicate effectively, regulate emotions, and seem present in the relationship. As a result, in some cases, the combination of these symptoms can make a partner unintentionally take on aparental role.

Furthermore, these issues can also be exacerbated in relationships where an individual’sADHD is undiagnosed; thus, the perceived lack of commitment and attentiveness is perceived as a personal failing instead of behavior exacerbated due to a lack of symptom management.As a result, these relationships can begin to foster symptoms of toxicity and display unhealthy patterns.

Research Looking at the Impact of Attachment Style and ADHD on Relationships

In a 2020 study on the effect of partnerattachment styleon romantic relationships, researchers sought to uncover how the characteristics of a partner without ADHD influenced the relationship quality.

For the study, they looked into 159 couples where one partner had ADHD and the other didn’t, and they found that partners with an anxious attachment style reported lower levels of romantic relationship quality when compared to those withavoidant attachments.

Furthermore, whileinsecure attachmentsare generally thought to impact relationships negatively, this study suggests that in the case of people with ADHD, relationships with avoidant partners may offer more positive outcomes. Nevertheless, more research in this area is needed before any confirmations can be made.

Why Are People With ADHD More Susceptible to Abuse?

People with ADHD can be highly susceptible to toxic relationships for various reasons. For example, a history of child abuse and a higher need for dopamine can make them more vulnerable to toxic relationships.

History of Child Abuse or Neglect

An important factor for this increased risk of engaging in toxic relationships is childhoodtrauma. For example, previous research has estimated that individuals with ADHD were over six times more likely to report being physically abused in childhood than those without it.In addition, a 2018 meta-analysis also found a significant association between ADHD symptoms and experiences of child maltreatment.

Regarding the long-term effect of abuse, an alternate 2018 study on twins also found strong associations between abuse, neglect, and ADHD in childhood. However, they also found that this often led to an increased risk of these individuals experiencing abuse later on in life.

Higher Need for Dopamine

For people with ADHD, stimulating and enjoyable activities hold their attention best. This is because their brains have a dysfunctional reward system, and the release of dopamine keeps them alert, focused, and productive.So how does this translate in relationships?

Relationships in which one person has ADHD tend to have anintense beginningdue to people with ADHD having an affinity for those who are expressive, emotionally intense, and spontaneous.

While “boring” relationships can be challenging for anyone, the ADHD brain consistently craves stimulation and dopamine. People with ADHD can find themselves innately drawn to relationships with quick, intense beginnings.

Even though initial intensity in dating isn’t necessarily a bad thing, abusive relationships — wheregaslightingandlove bombingtake place — also often begin the same way.

Someone with ADHD may be drawn to people who appear confident and well-put-together and miss out on signs that the other person is controlling and manipulative. And this is why pursuing relationships that causehyper-fixationsand deep feelings ofinfatuationcan result in problems down the line.

How to Avoid Falling Into a Narcissistic Relationship Pattern

ADHD and Intimate Partner Violence

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) definesintimate partner violence(IPV) as “Abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship.“This type of abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological/emotional, or involvestalking— and it varies in severity and occurrence. Additionally, previous experiences of violence and maltreatment are documented risk factors for subsequent IPV.

Keeping this in mind, it is clear that people with ADHD are at an increased risk of experiencing IPV due to the high likelihood of encountering abuse and neglect in childhood — the research confirms this, too.

What Does the Research Say?

Additionally, these researchers found that overall, participants with ADHD were also more likely to experience physical abuse at the hands of an intimate partner than the comparison groups (30.7% vs. 6.3%). Thus, their work highlighted young women with ADHD as a vulnerable group needing IPV prevention and intervention.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat 1–800–799–7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.Please call 911 if you are in immediate danger.911

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat 1–800–799–7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.Please call 911 if you are in immediate danger.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat 1–800–799–7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Please call 911 if you are in immediate danger.

911

As a reminder, even healthy relationships will have periods of toxicity or display unhealthy patterns — particularly during times of increased stress or conflict. However, what makes a toxic relationship distinct is that these issues are persistent and occur long-term.

Therefore, it is crucial to be aware of the behaviors the relationship displays and the frequency with which they occur.

Here are some toxic behaviors and traits to be aware of:

How to Recognize Passive-Aggressive Behavior

When it comes to coping with a toxic relationship, there is no single approach that works universally. This is because relationships are dynamic and unique to those within the partnership. That said, there are various general ways people can protect themselves and cope within them.

Ask Yourself If the Relationship Is Fixable, Remembering That It’s Ok To Leave

Nevertheless, in instances where a commitment to change is continually broken, the relationship has probably run its course. In this case, breaking the cycle would mean finally letting go.

It is important to note that this step does not apply to abuse in relationships. Abuse is never OK; in these instances, the most important thing is protecting yourself.

Be Assertive With Your Boundaries And Needs

While open andhonest communicationseems easy in theory, it can sometimes feel challenging — particularly for those who weren’t allowed to assert themselves growing up. However, for a relationship to work, both parties must feel heard, secure, and protected.

Therefore, it is vital that boundaries are continually established and maintained and that any issues present are communicated healthily.

Shift Your Perspectives

Regarding arguments, it is important not to communicate in a way that blames another person. Instead, a healthier way to communicate would highlight mutual understanding and learning.

That said, recognizing past behaviors is also vital. Therefore, there needs to be a mutual acceptance of responsibility. Not only will these two changes aid in creating healthier communication habits, but they’ll also indicate and reflectself-awarenessand self-responsibility.

7 Active Listening Techniques For Better Communication

Find Outside Support

While people often turn tocouples counselingto fix a relationship, having individual therapy (in tandem or before) could also be highly beneficial for the relationship and general personal well-being of those involved.

Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to fix the relationship; however, individual therapy has the bonus of allowing individuals to work on themselves and any attachment issues linked to childhood. Healing individually can also help people recontextualize their dating habits, patterns, and desires and open them up to healthier relationships overall.

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship in 6 Steps

How to Break Toxic Patterns

The first step in breaking any pattern is realizing that you’re in one, and it is a lot easier to do this when you can accept the situation without shame or guilt.

Additionally, it may also be helpful to do an internal catalog of previous relationships to determine if similar relationship dynamics have previously appeared. This awareness of previous habits can also offer a possible avenue of inner work that needs to take place.

It is important to note that many people with ADHD experience high levels ofrejection sensitivity, and this can lead to instances where they overreact, misinterpret, or distort what other people say and do.Rejection sensitivity can also result in intense feelings of rejection and grief over a relationship ending — and sometimes make individuals reluctant to end a relationship out of this fear.

Working with a licensed mental health professional could be beneficial for these individuals. They may recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy or offer tools to work on any triggers.

Coping With ADHD in Romantic Relationships

Final Thoughts

It is important to note that in some instances, toxic relationships may not be easy to point out, and it may take some time to notice the signs.

That said, if you are dealing with abuse, it is vital that you get help right away. Remember, some relationships are only meant to last a season, and leaving doesn’t mean you wasted time. Leaving is always an option.

Best Domestic Violence Support Groups

12 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.National Institute of Mental Health.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) definition.Perroud N, Hasler R, Golay N, et al.Personality profiles in adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).BMC Psychiatry. 2016;16(1):199. doi:10.1186/s12888-016-0906-6Wymbs BT, Canu WH, Sacchetti GM, Ranson LM.Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(3):664–681. doi:10.1111/jmft.12475Weir K.Pay attention to me: Undiagnosed ADHD affects millions of adults — and their romantic relationships.Monitor on Psychology. 2012;43(3):68.Knies K, Bodalski EA, Flory K.Romantic relationships in adults with ADHD: The effect of partner attachment style on relationship quality.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):42–64. doi:10.1177/0265407520953898Fuller-Thomson E, Mehta R, Valeo A.Establishing a link between attention deficit disorder/attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and childhood physical abuse.Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. 2014;23(2):188–198. doi:10.1080/10926771.2014.873510Clayton K, Lee JB, Cheung K, Theule J, Henrikson B.Quantifying the relationship between attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and experiences of child maltreatment: A meta-analysis: ADHD and experiences of child maltreatment.Child Abuse Rev. 2018;27(5):361–377. doi:10.1002/car.2530Stern A, Agnew-Blais J, Danese A, et al.Associations between abuse/neglect and ADHD from childhood to young adulthood: A prospective nationally-representative twin study.Child Abuse Negl. 2018;81:274–285. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.04.025Oscar Berman M, Blum K, Chen TJ, et al.Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome.NDT. Published online November 2008:893. doi:10.2147%2Fndt.s2627Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.About intimate partner violence.Guendelman MD, Ahmad S, Meza JI, Owens EB, Hinshaw SP.Childhood attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder predicts intimate partner victimization in young women.J Abnorm Child Psychol. 2016;44(1):155–166. doi:10.1007/s10802–015–9984-zDowney G, Feldman SI.Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships.J Pers Soc Psychol. 1996;70(6):1327–1343. doi:10.1037//0022–3514.70.6.1327

12 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.National Institute of Mental Health.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) definition.Perroud N, Hasler R, Golay N, et al.Personality profiles in adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).BMC Psychiatry. 2016;16(1):199. doi:10.1186/s12888-016-0906-6Wymbs BT, Canu WH, Sacchetti GM, Ranson LM.Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(3):664–681. doi:10.1111/jmft.12475Weir K.Pay attention to me: Undiagnosed ADHD affects millions of adults — and their romantic relationships.Monitor on Psychology. 2012;43(3):68.Knies K, Bodalski EA, Flory K.Romantic relationships in adults with ADHD: The effect of partner attachment style on relationship quality.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):42–64. doi:10.1177/0265407520953898Fuller-Thomson E, Mehta R, Valeo A.Establishing a link between attention deficit disorder/attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and childhood physical abuse.Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. 2014;23(2):188–198. doi:10.1080/10926771.2014.873510Clayton K, Lee JB, Cheung K, Theule J, Henrikson B.Quantifying the relationship between attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and experiences of child maltreatment: A meta-analysis: ADHD and experiences of child maltreatment.Child Abuse Rev. 2018;27(5):361–377. doi:10.1002/car.2530Stern A, Agnew-Blais J, Danese A, et al.Associations between abuse/neglect and ADHD from childhood to young adulthood: A prospective nationally-representative twin study.Child Abuse Negl. 2018;81:274–285. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.04.025Oscar Berman M, Blum K, Chen TJ, et al.Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome.NDT. Published online November 2008:893. doi:10.2147%2Fndt.s2627Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.About intimate partner violence.Guendelman MD, Ahmad S, Meza JI, Owens EB, Hinshaw SP.Childhood attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder predicts intimate partner victimization in young women.J Abnorm Child Psychol. 2016;44(1):155–166. doi:10.1007/s10802–015–9984-zDowney G, Feldman SI.Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships.J Pers Soc Psychol. 1996;70(6):1327–1343. doi:10.1037//0022–3514.70.6.1327

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

National Institute of Mental Health.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) definition.Perroud N, Hasler R, Golay N, et al.Personality profiles in adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).BMC Psychiatry. 2016;16(1):199. doi:10.1186/s12888-016-0906-6Wymbs BT, Canu WH, Sacchetti GM, Ranson LM.Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(3):664–681. doi:10.1111/jmft.12475Weir K.Pay attention to me: Undiagnosed ADHD affects millions of adults — and their romantic relationships.Monitor on Psychology. 2012;43(3):68.Knies K, Bodalski EA, Flory K.Romantic relationships in adults with ADHD: The effect of partner attachment style on relationship quality.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):42–64. doi:10.1177/0265407520953898Fuller-Thomson E, Mehta R, Valeo A.Establishing a link between attention deficit disorder/attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and childhood physical abuse.Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. 2014;23(2):188–198. doi:10.1080/10926771.2014.873510Clayton K, Lee JB, Cheung K, Theule J, Henrikson B.Quantifying the relationship between attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and experiences of child maltreatment: A meta-analysis: ADHD and experiences of child maltreatment.Child Abuse Rev. 2018;27(5):361–377. doi:10.1002/car.2530Stern A, Agnew-Blais J, Danese A, et al.Associations between abuse/neglect and ADHD from childhood to young adulthood: A prospective nationally-representative twin study.Child Abuse Negl. 2018;81:274–285. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.04.025Oscar Berman M, Blum K, Chen TJ, et al.Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome.NDT. Published online November 2008:893. doi:10.2147%2Fndt.s2627Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.About intimate partner violence.Guendelman MD, Ahmad S, Meza JI, Owens EB, Hinshaw SP.Childhood attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder predicts intimate partner victimization in young women.J Abnorm Child Psychol. 2016;44(1):155–166. doi:10.1007/s10802–015–9984-zDowney G, Feldman SI.Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships.J Pers Soc Psychol. 1996;70(6):1327–1343. doi:10.1037//0022–3514.70.6.1327

National Institute of Mental Health.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) definition.

Perroud N, Hasler R, Golay N, et al.Personality profiles in adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).BMC Psychiatry. 2016;16(1):199. doi:10.1186/s12888-016-0906-6

Wymbs BT, Canu WH, Sacchetti GM, Ranson LM.Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(3):664–681. doi:10.1111/jmft.12475

Weir K.Pay attention to me: Undiagnosed ADHD affects millions of adults — and their romantic relationships.Monitor on Psychology. 2012;43(3):68.

Knies K, Bodalski EA, Flory K.Romantic relationships in adults with ADHD: The effect of partner attachment style on relationship quality.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2021;38(1):42–64. doi:10.1177/0265407520953898

Fuller-Thomson E, Mehta R, Valeo A.Establishing a link between attention deficit disorder/attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and childhood physical abuse.Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. 2014;23(2):188–198. doi:10.1080/10926771.2014.873510

Clayton K, Lee JB, Cheung K, Theule J, Henrikson B.Quantifying the relationship between attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and experiences of child maltreatment: A meta-analysis: ADHD and experiences of child maltreatment.Child Abuse Rev. 2018;27(5):361–377. doi:10.1002/car.2530

Stern A, Agnew-Blais J, Danese A, et al.Associations between abuse/neglect and ADHD from childhood to young adulthood: A prospective nationally-representative twin study.Child Abuse Negl. 2018;81:274–285. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.04.025

Oscar Berman M, Blum K, Chen TJ, et al.Attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder and reward deficiency syndrome.NDT. Published online November 2008:893. doi:10.2147%2Fndt.s2627

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.About intimate partner violence.

Guendelman MD, Ahmad S, Meza JI, Owens EB, Hinshaw SP.Childhood attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder predicts intimate partner victimization in young women.J Abnorm Child Psychol. 2016;44(1):155–166. doi:10.1007/s10802–015–9984-z

Downey G, Feldman SI.Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships.J Pers Soc Psychol. 1996;70(6):1327–1343. doi:10.1037//0022–3514.70.6.1327

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