Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsHow ADHD Affects RelationshipsProblems That EmergeDestructive PatternsTips That Can Help

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

How ADHD Affects Relationships

Problems That Emerge

Destructive Patterns

Tips That Can Help

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If you are married to someone who has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), you may notice that it affects your relationship in a number of ways. However, it is important to recognize that this goes both directions. Your relationship can also have an impact on your partner’s ADHD.

Learn more about some of the challenges you might encounter if you are married to someone with ADHD. Also, explore what you can do to help your partner and strengthen your relationship.

How ADHD Characteristics Affect Relationships

The traits and characteristics that are associated with ADHD can create predictable, consistent patterns in your relationship. For people who have not found ways to manage these patterns, problems can emerge.

As a result of such patterns, both partners are often left feeling lonely, unhappy, and overwhelmed. Frequent arguments, lack of communication, and disengagement from the relationship are common.

Melissa Orlov, author of “The ADHD Effect on Marriage"A common response for the non-ADHD partner is to become overly controlling and nagging (“the only way to get anything done around here”) while theADHD partnerbecomes less and less engaged (“who wants to be with someone who is constantly angry?")

Melissa Orlov, author of “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”

A common response for the non-ADHD partner is to become overly controlling and nagging (“the only way to get anything done around here”) while theADHD partnerbecomes less and less engaged (“who wants to be with someone who is constantly angry?")

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Effects of ADHD on Marriage

Characteristics of ADHD can vary from one person to the next, and the effect that these traits have on individuals and relationships can also vary. Some people find that they are able to manage these characteristics effectively in some settings such as work, but then struggle more when it comes to relationships.

According to Orlov, a person with ADHD might feel:

“People with ADHD understand that the world doesn’t work for them in the same way that it does for others.Their minds are often “racing”, “noisy” or “cluttered,“and so they see experience the world in ways that others often don’t relate to well,” Orlov explains.

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How Non-ADHD Partners Are Affected

At the other end of the spectrum are relationships where the non-ADHD partner begins totreat their spouse much like a child, taking over responsibilities and not allowing them to be equal partners.

Destructive Patterns That May Emerge

When a person is married to someone with ADHD, a tendency may emerge where they both blame all of the problems in their relationship on the condition. However, both partners need to recognize their role in contributing to marital distress. Orlov refers to the pattern that emerges as the “symptom-response-response cycle.”

ADHD characteristicscreate unexpected stress in a relationship. This can result in misunderstandings, but it can also lead to a destructive pattern that includes the characteristics of the conditions, the response to those characteristics, and the response to the response.

For example, people with ADHD frequently experience increased feelings of distraction. This can make their partner feel ignored, especially if the individual’s ADHD is undiagnosed. Without an explanation for this distraction, the non-ADHD partner might misinterpret the behavior as a lack of care and concern.

This can lead to hurt, arguments, and resentment. And because the person with ADHD does not understand the source of their partner’s anger, it becomes a self-reinforcing downward cycle.

An accurate diagnosis of adult ADHD can help both people better understand how these characteristics might affect their relationship. In the example above, the non-ADHD partner might say, “You’ve been distracted lately and I’m feeling lonely. Let’s go do something special together?”

RecapADHD characteristics can set off a response cycle that creates conflicts in a relationship. A better understanding of what is causing the problem can prevent resentment from forming and lead to more effective solutions.

Recap

ADHD characteristics can set off a response cycle that creates conflicts in a relationship. A better understanding of what is causing the problem can prevent resentment from forming and lead to more effective solutions.

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Tips If Your Partner Has ADHD

If your partner has ADHD, it isn’t a matter of trying harder to make the relationship work, but a matter of “trying differently.”

Melissa Orlov, author of “The ADHD Effect on Marriage"You can take your knowledge about ADHD and choose tactics that will help you succeed. I call these ‘ADHD sensitive’ tactics.

You can take your knowledge about ADHD and choose tactics that will help you succeed. I call these ‘ADHD sensitive’ tactics.

For example, Orlov notes that trying harder to remember a chore won’t make a person less distracted or forgetful. A more effective and realistic solution is to set the alarm on your cell phone to remind you of the chore. The partner with ADHD may still get distracted, but having a reminder can bring their attention back to the task at hand when it needs to be done.

Orlov also suggests that there are several other strategies that can help couples where one partner has ADHD strengthen and repair their marriage.

“Ultimately, marriage is about joy,” Orlov also suggests. “Remember to find something to celebrate or laugh about as often as possible. Set aside time to create joy, not just time to fix things. You both need relief from the effort it takes to change habits that have been built up for years.”

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A Word From Verywell

When you are married to someone with ADHD, it isn’t uncommon for characteristics of the condition to create stress and conflict in the relationship. The first step is recognizing the signs of problems.

Once you better understand how ADHD traits and your response to those traits can create conflicts, you and your partner can work together to find solutions. Learning to manage ADHD characteristics, better understanding the condition, and taking steps to strengthen your connection are great places to start.

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).Symptoms and diagnosis of ADHD.Ben-Naim S, Marom I, Krashin M, Gifter B, Arad K.Life with a partner with adhd: the moderating role of intimacy.J Child Fam Stud. 2017;26(5):1365-1373. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0653-9National Institute of Mental Health.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).Symptoms and diagnosis of ADHD.Ben-Naim S, Marom I, Krashin M, Gifter B, Arad K.Life with a partner with adhd: the moderating role of intimacy.J Child Fam Stud. 2017;26(5):1365-1373. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0653-9National Institute of Mental Health.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).Symptoms and diagnosis of ADHD.Ben-Naim S, Marom I, Krashin M, Gifter B, Arad K.Life with a partner with adhd: the moderating role of intimacy.J Child Fam Stud. 2017;26(5):1365-1373. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0653-9National Institute of Mental Health.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).Symptoms and diagnosis of ADHD.

Ben-Naim S, Marom I, Krashin M, Gifter B, Arad K.Life with a partner with adhd: the moderating role of intimacy.J Child Fam Stud. 2017;26(5):1365-1373. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0653-9

National Institute of Mental Health.Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

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