Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Does Being “In Your Head” During Sex Even Mean?Common Reasons Why People Get Stuck in Their Heads During SexImpact on Sexual Satisfaction and IntimacyHow Practicing Mindful Sex Can HelpTips For How to Get Out of Your Head
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
What Does Being “In Your Head” During Sex Even Mean?
Common Reasons Why People Get Stuck in Their Heads During Sex
Impact on Sexual Satisfaction and Intimacy
How Practicing Mindful Sex Can Help
Tips For How to Get Out of Your Head
Close
When my husband and I first started dating, sex was a mind-blowing adventure. However, the novelty of exploring each other’s bodies eventually simmered down. Add a couple of kids and jammed-packed schedules and our sex life transformed into a series of mindless acts.
It’s hard to stay present when to-do lists intrude into our minds while we’re intimate. So how can we “get out of heads” during sex and fully enjoy the moment?
What Does Being “In Your Head” During Sex Even Mean?
You’re trying to enjoy some much-needed intimacy with your S.O. but your brain just won’t shut up.Remember to take the kids to basketball practice. There’s a doctor’s appointment this Friday. The in-laws are coming over for dinner next week.
You can’tenjoy the moment and be presentbecause you’re so preoccupied mentally.
Certified sex therapist and host of theAs a Sex TherapistpodcastHeather Shannon, says that being “in your head” is one of the most common issues she sees with her clients.
“[Being in your head] means that instead of being fully present with yourself, your senses, the person you’re with, and the actual sex, you’re somewhere else mentally,” she explains. “For example, instead of having a direct experience of smelling, touching, feeling the other person and experiencing your own senses, you’re worrying about your performance, if you’re taking too long to orgasm, what’s for dinner, etc. You’re disconnected from your body.“
Common Reasons Why People Get Stuck in Their Heads During Sex
Thoughts That Might Prevent You From Being Present During Sex
Several things can be going on in your mind that prevent you from connecting intimately with your partner. For Shannon and her clients, specifically, some common thoughts include:
There are also non-sexual thoughts that can hinder your arousal and ruin the “mood.” Some of Shannon’s clients have thought the following:
Gender Differences
According to Dr. Litner, overthinking during sex can happen to people of all genders and sexual orientations. She’s noticed men fixating on their body’s sexual functioning or “performance” and women being concerned with their ability to orgasm, their sense of safety, and the mental load of their day-to-day.
“Some of these gender differences may be due to how people are socialized in the masculine or feminine and associated messages about how sex is supposed to be,” she adds.
Impact on Sexual Satisfaction and Intimacy
Being distracted or mentally absent during sex can severely impact sexual satisfaction andfeelings of intimacy.
How can you enjoy something when you’re not even there mentally? You can’t!—HEATHER SHANNON, SEX THERAPIST AND HOST OF THE AS A SEX THERAPIST PODCAST
How can you enjoy something when you’re not even there mentally? You can’t!
—HEATHER SHANNON, SEX THERAPIST AND HOST OF THE AS A SEX THERAPIST PODCAST
Shannon often hears her clients talk about faking orgasms and feeling performative. This inability to relax and enjoy sex in the moment can result inlow libidoover time because sex has never really been an enjoyable act. Rather, it’s always been about pleasing the other partner and keeping up appearances that you’reintoit. People also report feeling bored and self-conscious and having difficulty orgasming or maintaining an erection. This is all from not being fully present.
“There are layers of ‘shoulds’ and ‘supposed to’ that we are all subjected to when it comes to sex, but it does more harm than good,” she says. “Just show up, be present, be yourself, and communicate with your partner from that place of authenticity.”
How Practicing Mindful Sex Can Help
I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a teenager and my go-to coping mechanism has always beenpracticing mindfulness.It’s done ~wonders~ to calm my worries, including the ones I have during sex. I pay attention to what I’m sensing and redirect myself without judgment to the present whenever I get “in my head.”
Shannon also recommends using mindfulness to bring you back to the present when your mind is wandering during sex.
Remind yourself that you are choosing to have sex and the rest can wait.
“Notice what you see such as your partner’s face,” she says. “Notice what you smell — your partner’s shampoo or perfume. Notice the feeling of touching your partner’s skin or your own. Cueing into your senses will help you get back in your body and out of your head.”
Tips For How to Get Out of Your Head
While practicing mindfulness improved my sexual satisfaction, there are other ways to stop overthinking during sex.
Don’t Underestimate Mental Foreplay
There’s more than one type of foreplay. We usephysical foreplayto get in the mood for sex—why shouldn’t we do the same for our minds? Enough foreplay ensures you can get into a sexual headspace. When things are going too fast, your mind hasn’t caught up with your body. Instead of being mentally ready for sex, you’re still worrying about the next item on your to-do list. Or, wondering why the person is moving to the next stage of sex already.
Shannon says mental foreplay is very underrated and that building anticipation is huge for eroticism. This is what we adults call edging, which is the practice of flirting, teasing, and building excitement and anticipation toward sexual intimacy. Exploring edging is a great way to strengthen emotional intimacy and communication in your relationship as it encourages you and your partner to express what they are feeling, desiring, and needing.
We often forget this step when we’ve been with someone for a while, live together, or have kids. We get busy with life and forget to take it slow.
Try This!Want to start practicing mental foreplay? Try flirting, bathing together, watching a sexy movie, or taking a tango lesson.
Try This!
Want to start practicing mental foreplay? Try flirting, bathing together, watching a sexy movie, or taking a tango lesson.
8 Tips to Get You in the Mood for Sex
Don’t Rely on Physical Aspects of Sex
Reminder
Focus on the Journey
Having good sex is about enjoying the journey and the experience. It’s easy to get trapped in your head when you’re pushing yourself to the finish line. Slow down and smell the roses. It’s not a race.
Talk to Your Partner
Shannon says it’s important to know yourself and your partner(s). Find out what turns you and your partner on and lean into that before getting sexual. Talk openly and honestly about your thoughts and feelings during sex. Tell them if there is anything you’d like them to do differently and be open to their suggestions.
How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner
Get Help From a Sex Therapist
Dr. Litner recommends working with a sex therapist to help address any underlying concerns related to overthinking. They can teach you effective cognitive strategies such as thought diffusion, redirection, or reassurance statements to combat distracting thoughts.
Shannon also advises being patient and giving yourself grace! Learning to feel comfortable and present during sex is a journey. Your brain has been hardwired to mentally escape during intimacy. It’s going to take a while for you to rewire your pathways.
“It takes time and practice to unlearn some of what we’ve come to believe about sex and to become brave enough to be truly ourselves and therefore truly vulnerable,” she explains. “But it’s worth the effort because that’s the only place real intimacy comes from.”
2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Hofmann, S. G., & Gómez, A. F. (2017).Mindfulness-based interventions for anxiety and depression.The Psychiatric Clinics of North America,40(4), 739–749. doi:0.1016/j.psc.2017.08.008Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019).The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,45(6), 497–509. doi.org:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Hofmann, S. G., & Gómez, A. F. (2017).Mindfulness-based interventions for anxiety and depression.The Psychiatric Clinics of North America,40(4), 739–749. doi:0.1016/j.psc.2017.08.008Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019).The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,45(6), 497–509. doi.org:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Hofmann, S. G., & Gómez, A. F. (2017).Mindfulness-based interventions for anxiety and depression.The Psychiatric Clinics of North America,40(4), 739–749. doi:0.1016/j.psc.2017.08.008Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019).The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,45(6), 497–509. doi.org:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Hofmann, S. G., & Gómez, A. F. (2017).Mindfulness-based interventions for anxiety and depression.The Psychiatric Clinics of North America,40(4), 739–749. doi:0.1016/j.psc.2017.08.008
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019).The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,45(6), 497–509. doi.org:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
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