9 Ways to Help a Victim of Domestic Violence

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsHow to HelpBelieve VictimsOffer SupportWhat Not to DoWhen to Call the Police

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

How to Help

Believe Victims

Offer Support

What Not to Do

When to Call the Police

If you know or suspect that someone is a victim ofdomestic violence, you might feel clueless about the best way to help. But don’t let a fear of saying the wrong thing prevent you from reaching out! Waiting for the perfect words could keep you from seizing the opportunity to change a life.

When you suspect that someone you care about is trapped in atoxic or abusive relationship, you want to do anything to help. You may want to rush in and fix everything, but the truth is that it’s just not that simple.

For many domestic abuse victims, the world can be lonely, isolated, and filled with fear. Sometimes, reaching out and telling them you are there for them can provide tremendous relief. Supporting someone who is a victim of domestic violence requiresempathy, patience, and a willingness to listen.

The most important thing you can do is to help create a safe space where they feel seen, heard, and understood. It’s not about trying to force them to accept specific solutions. Instead, your goal is to empower them to take steps to regain control. Be prepared to offer information about hotlines and other resources they can access, but remember that leaving an abusive situation is complex. By being a consistent source of support and encouragement, you can help them feel less alone as they decide what steps to take next.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

How to Help a Victim of Domestic Violence

So, what can you really do to help someone who might be experiencingintimate partner violence? Use the nine tips that follow to help you support someone in this vulnerable situation.

Make Time for Them

If you decide to reach out to an abuse victim, do so during a time of calm. Getting involved when tempers are flaring can put you in danger.

Also, make sure to set aside plenty of time in case the victim decides to open up. If the person decides to disclose years of pent-up fear and frustration, you will not want to end the conversation because you have another commitment.

Start a Conversation

Maybe you’ve seen the person wearing clothing to cover up bruises or noticed that the person has suddenly become unusually quiet and withdrawn. Both can besigns of abuse.

Let the person know that you will be discreet about any information disclosed. Do not try to force the person to open up; let the conversation unfold at a comfortable pace.

Take it slow and easy. Just let the person know that you are available and offering a sympathetic ear.

Listen Without Judgment

If the person does decide to talk,listen to the storywithout being judgmental, offering advice, or suggesting solutions. Chances are if you actively listen, the person will tell you exactly what they need. Just give the person the full opportunity to talk.

You can ask clarifying questions, but mainly just let the person vent their feelings and fears. You may be the first person in which the victim has confided.

Learn the Warning Signs

Many people try to cover up the abuse for a variety of reasons, and learning the warning signs of domestic abuse can help you help them:

Physical Signs:

Emotional Signs:

Behavioral Signs:

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?

Believe Domestic Violence Victims

Because domestic violence ismore about control than anger, often the victim is the only one who sees the dark side of the perpetrator. Many times, others are shocked to learn that a person they know could commit violence.

Consequently, victims often feel that no one would believe them if they told people about the violence. Believe the victim’s story and say so. For a victim, finally having someone who knows the truth about their struggles can bring a sense of hope and relief.

Offer the victim these assurances:

Validate the Victim’s Feelings

It’s not unusual for victims to express conflicting feelings about their partner and their situation. These feelings can range from:

Some victims may not realize that their situation is abnormal because they have no other models for relationships and have gradually become accustomed to the cycle of violence. Tell the victim that violence and abuse aren’t part ofhealthy relationships. Without judging, confirm to them that their situation is dangerous and that you are concerned for their safety.

Reasons Why Victims StayIt can be hard to understand why someone you care about would seemingly choose to stay in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Here are a few reasons why it’s not easy to part ways.Fear of harm if they leaveThey still love their partner and believe they will changeTheir partner promised to changeA strong belief that marriage is “for better or worse"Thinking the abuse is their faultStaying for the childrenLack of self-confidenceFear of isolation orlonelinessPressure from family, community, or churchLack of means (job, money, transportation) to survive on their own

Reasons Why Victims Stay

It can be hard to understand why someone you care about would seemingly choose to stay in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Here are a few reasons why it’s not easy to part ways.Fear of harm if they leaveThey still love their partner and believe they will changeTheir partner promised to changeA strong belief that marriage is “for better or worse"Thinking the abuse is their faultStaying for the childrenLack of self-confidenceFear of isolation orlonelinessPressure from family, community, or churchLack of means (job, money, transportation) to survive on their own

It can be hard to understand why someone you care about would seemingly choose to stay in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Here are a few reasons why it’s not easy to part ways.

Offer Specific Support for Your Loved One

Help the victim find support and resources. Look up telephone numbers for shelters, social services, attorneys, counselors, or support groups. If available, offer brochures or pamphlets about domestic violence.

If the victim asks you to do something specific and you are willing to do it, don’t hesitate to help.

If you are unable to, try to find other ways the need can be met. Identify their strengths and assets, and help them build and expand upon them, so they find the ​motivation to help themselves.

The important thing is to let them know that you are there for them, available at any time. Just let them know the best way to reach you if help is needed. If possible, offer to go along for moral support to the police, court, or lawyer’s office.

Help Form a Safety Plan

Help the victim create asafety planthat can be put into action if violence occurs again or if they decide to leave the situation. Just the exercise of making a plan can help them visualize which steps are needed and prepare psychologically to do so.

Help the victim think through each step of the safety plan, weighing the risks and benefits of each option and ways to reduce the risks.

Be sure to include the following in the safety plan:

Although there is no right or wrong way to help a victim of domestic violence, you want to avoid doing anything that will make the situation worse. Here are some “don’ts” the experts suggest you avoid:

Don’t…

When to Call the Police About Domestic Violence

If you know that violence is actively occurring, call 9-1-1 immediately. If you hear or see physical abuse taking place, call the police. The police are the most effective way to remove the immediate danger to the victim and their children.

There are no situations in which children should be left in a violent situation. Do whatever is necessary to ensure their safety, even if it means going against the wishes of the victim or the wishes of the abuser.

In actively violent situations, calling child protective services is not the problem, it’s part of the solution.

Takeaways

Although your natural impulse may be to “rescue” someone you care about from domestic violence, the person being abused needs to make the ultimate decision of whether (and when) to leave and get help. Keeping this in mind will help ensure that you support them no matter their decision and continue to provide them with a loving and safe friendship.

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rakovec-Felser Z.Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective.Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821Lahav Y.Hyper-sensitivity to the perpetrator and the likelihood of returning to abusive relationships.J Interpers Violence. 2023;38(1-2):NP1815-NP1841. doi:10.1177/08862605221092075McFarlane J, Nava A, Gilroy H, Maddoux J.Risk of behaviors associated with lethal violence and functional outcomes for abused women who do and do not return to the abuser following a community-based intervention.J Womens Health (Larchmt). 2015;24(4):272-280. doi:10.1089/jwh.2014.5064

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rakovec-Felser Z.Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective.Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821Lahav Y.Hyper-sensitivity to the perpetrator and the likelihood of returning to abusive relationships.J Interpers Violence. 2023;38(1-2):NP1815-NP1841. doi:10.1177/08862605221092075McFarlane J, Nava A, Gilroy H, Maddoux J.Risk of behaviors associated with lethal violence and functional outcomes for abused women who do and do not return to the abuser following a community-based intervention.J Womens Health (Larchmt). 2015;24(4):272-280. doi:10.1089/jwh.2014.5064

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Rakovec-Felser Z.Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective.Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821Lahav Y.Hyper-sensitivity to the perpetrator and the likelihood of returning to abusive relationships.J Interpers Violence. 2023;38(1-2):NP1815-NP1841. doi:10.1177/08862605221092075McFarlane J, Nava A, Gilroy H, Maddoux J.Risk of behaviors associated with lethal violence and functional outcomes for abused women who do and do not return to the abuser following a community-based intervention.J Womens Health (Larchmt). 2015;24(4):272-280. doi:10.1089/jwh.2014.5064

Rakovec-Felser Z.Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective.Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821

Lahav Y.Hyper-sensitivity to the perpetrator and the likelihood of returning to abusive relationships.J Interpers Violence. 2023;38(1-2):NP1815-NP1841. doi:10.1177/08862605221092075

McFarlane J, Nava A, Gilroy H, Maddoux J.Risk of behaviors associated with lethal violence and functional outcomes for abused women who do and do not return to the abuser following a community-based intervention.J Womens Health (Larchmt). 2015;24(4):272-280. doi:10.1089/jwh.2014.5064

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