Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSigns of Emotionally Immature ParentsGrowing UpThe Root CausesCoping StrategiesBuilding Healthy RelationshipsResources and Support

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents

Growing Up

The Root Causes

Coping Strategies

Building Healthy Relationships

Resources and Support

Close

What does it mean to be emotionally immature, exactly? Basically, we all have emotions—that’s part of being human—and ideally we can manage andcontrol our emotionsso that they don’t get the better of us.On the flip side, some of us may lack the appropriate tools to handle those emotions; instead, we might react without emotional restraint or control.

“Emotional immaturity in parents can be defined as a lack of emotional self-awareness and empathy,” saysLea McMahon LCP, EdD,chief clinical officer at Symetria Recovery. “Simply put, these individuals place an emphasis on their own needs over their child, they do not know how to communicate effectively, and often they exhibit unpredictable behavior.”

This doesn’t mean your parents are bad people.

You Can Increase Your Emotional Intelligence in 3 Simple Steps—Here’s How

Brooke Keels, PhD, LPC,chief clinical officer at Lighthouse Recovery, says that the following are signs of emotionally immature parents:

Below are some other signs that you may recognize.

Lack of Support

“Instead of comforting you and talking it out, your parents might react dramatically, turning the focus onto their own feelings of stress or frustration,” she says. “They might say things like, ‘You think your day was bad? You have no idea what I’m dealing with!’”

Instead of supporting you, your parents end up leaving you feeling unheard and unsupported, which can lead to difficulty expressing emotions and seeking support down the road, Dr. Keels says.

Lack of Boundaries

Another sign of an emotionally immature parent is a notable lack of boundaries. Because emotionally immature parents tend to think everything that happens is about them, they often feel entitled to invade their kids’ privacy or manipulate situations in their favor, Dr. Keels says.

Impact of Growing Up With Emotionally Immature Parents

Other potential impacts include low self-esteem, the development ofco-dependency issues, being a chronicpeople-pleaser, and having trouble seeking emotional support from others.

It’s Time to Ditch Toxic Positivity in Favor of Emotional Validation

Understanding the Root Causes of Emotional Immaturity in Parents

It’s common to wonder how our parents go this way. What are the causes of emotional immaturity in parents? Understanding this better can help us make sense of our childhood a little better, though it doesn’t necessarily absolve our parents of the negative impacts they had on us.

Often, parents develop emotional immaturity as a result of their own upbringings. “They could have had emotional neglect or trauma in their background with caregivers and thus were unable to develop healthy emotional maturity,” Dr. Stevenson says.

These unhealthycoping mechanismscan make it difficult for these folks to manage their feelings as life presents challenges in adulthood, leading to mental health issues or an inability to handle stress. Adults who are emotionally immature don’t gain experience to deal with the common challenges that come up in life, Dr. Keels says.

Avoidance Coping and Why It Creates Additional Stress

Healing and Coping Strategies for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Maybe the most important thing to remember is that healing from emotionally mature parents is possible. You can feel better, reclaim yourself, and develop the tools to live as aresilient, emotionally capable adult.

Dr. Stevenson says that one way to do this is to practice setting boundaries with your emotionally immature parents. This might mean limiting how much you see them, or in what circumstances you see them. It might also involve having boundaries about the types of topics you are willing to discuss with them, and sticking to these boundaries.

Healing also means letting go of the fantasy that you are to blame in any way for your parents’ behavior, or thatchanging your behaviorwould somehow make your parents more emotionally responsive. Dr. Stevenson shared her own experience with emotionally immature parents as an illustration:

“While I had known for a while that my mother struggled with emotional capacity and would shut down any emotional conversations, I still couldn’t let go of the idea that maybe one day she would change if I kept trying to help her manage her emotions,” Dr. Stevenson says. “In order to finally move on, I had to come to terms with the fact that she would not likely ever change and that if I accepted her at face value, we could begin to navigate a different kind of relationship that involves less phone contact and less effort on my part to connect.”

Dr. Stevenson says that although it’s been hard to let go of parts of her relationship with her mother, she’s also noticed that she has more space and freedom to pay attention to her own emotional needs and to connect in relationships that serve her more.

Therapy

“One of the biggest pieces I see in clients in my practice with this history is learning that they are not the problem nor are they responsible for someone else’s emotions,” she describes. “We focus a lot on re-building self-worth and self-esteem so they can start to have healthier relationships with others from a place of feeling whole and worthy.”

Behavior Modification: Techniques for Positive Behavior Change

Building Healthy Relationships as an Adult

Growing up with unhealthy parents can make forming relationships with others difficult, simply because you were never taught healthy relationship dynamics. But it’s possible to learn to build healthier relationships as an adult.

“This requires a great deal ofself-reflection, self-awareness, and perhaps therapy or support groups,” says Dr. Keels. “It may take time and effort to break old patterns and create healthier ones, but it is possible with dedication and a willingness to learn and grow.”

What does this involve? According to Dr. Keels, building healthy relationships as an adult may require you to:

Understanding the Effects of Childhood Trauma

Resources for Further Support and Learning

A Loving Support System

Besides therapy, Dr. Keels emphasizes the importance of having a lovingsupport systemas you navigate the healing process. “Growing up with emotionally immature parents can leave you feeling alone, misunderstood, and unsupported,” she says. “But as an adult, you have the opportunity to create your own chosen family of supportive friends and loved ones who can provide the love and understanding that may have been missing in your upbringing.”

She suggests surrounding yourself with people who understand you and accept you for how you are. “They can fill the void of emotional support that you may have been lacking from your parents,” Dr. Keels says.

Why Social Support May Be the Best Way to Help Reduce Stress

The Bottom Line

8 Signs of Emotional Maturity

6 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Bhagat V, Haque M, Bin Abu Bakar YI, et al.Emotional maturity of medical students impacting their adult learning skills in a newly established public medical school at the east coast of Malaysian Peninsula.Adv Med Educ Pract. 2016;7:575-584. doi:10.2147/AMEP.S117915American Psychological Association.Emotional Immaturity. APA Dictionary of Psychology.American Psychological Association.Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154McLaughlin KA, Lambert HK.Child Trauma Exposure and Psychopathology: Mechanisms of Risk and Resilience.Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;14:29-34. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.10.004Muris P, Otgaar H.Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion: A Narrative Review and Meta-Analysis on Their Links to Psychological Problems and Well-Being.Psychol Res Behav Manag. 2023;16:2961-2975. doi:10.2147/PRBM.S402455

6 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Bhagat V, Haque M, Bin Abu Bakar YI, et al.Emotional maturity of medical students impacting their adult learning skills in a newly established public medical school at the east coast of Malaysian Peninsula.Adv Med Educ Pract. 2016;7:575-584. doi:10.2147/AMEP.S117915American Psychological Association.Emotional Immaturity. APA Dictionary of Psychology.American Psychological Association.Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154McLaughlin KA, Lambert HK.Child Trauma Exposure and Psychopathology: Mechanisms of Risk and Resilience.Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;14:29-34. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.10.004Muris P, Otgaar H.Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion: A Narrative Review and Meta-Analysis on Their Links to Psychological Problems and Well-Being.Psychol Res Behav Manag. 2023;16:2961-2975. doi:10.2147/PRBM.S402455

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Bhagat V, Haque M, Bin Abu Bakar YI, et al.Emotional maturity of medical students impacting their adult learning skills in a newly established public medical school at the east coast of Malaysian Peninsula.Adv Med Educ Pract. 2016;7:575-584. doi:10.2147/AMEP.S117915American Psychological Association.Emotional Immaturity. APA Dictionary of Psychology.American Psychological Association.Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154McLaughlin KA, Lambert HK.Child Trauma Exposure and Psychopathology: Mechanisms of Risk and Resilience.Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;14:29-34. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.10.004Muris P, Otgaar H.Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion: A Narrative Review and Meta-Analysis on Their Links to Psychological Problems and Well-Being.Psychol Res Behav Manag. 2023;16:2961-2975. doi:10.2147/PRBM.S402455

Bhagat V, Haque M, Bin Abu Bakar YI, et al.Emotional maturity of medical students impacting their adult learning skills in a newly established public medical school at the east coast of Malaysian Peninsula.Adv Med Educ Pract. 2016;7:575-584. doi:10.2147/AMEP.S117915

American Psychological Association.Emotional Immaturity. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

American Psychological Association.Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154

McLaughlin KA, Lambert HK.Child Trauma Exposure and Psychopathology: Mechanisms of Risk and Resilience.Curr Opin Psychol. 2017;14:29-34. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.10.004

Muris P, Otgaar H.Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion: A Narrative Review and Meta-Analysis on Their Links to Psychological Problems and Well-Being.Psychol Res Behav Manag. 2023;16:2961-2975. doi:10.2147/PRBM.S402455

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