7 Signs You're Being Emotionally Manipulated in Your Relationship

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsManipulative BehaviorsGaslightingPassive-Aggressive BehaviorLying and BlamingLove BombingThreats and CoercionGive You the Silent TreatmentIsolationSigns You’ve Been ManipulatedWhy People Manipulate OthersIdentifying ManipulationHow to RespondOvercoming a Manipulator

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Manipulative Behaviors

Gaslighting

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Lying and Blaming

Love Bombing

Threats and Coercion

Give You the Silent Treatment

Isolation

Signs You’ve Been Manipulated

Why People Manipulate Others

Identifying Manipulation

How to Respond

Overcoming a Manipulator

Manipulation in relationships means that a person is using mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.

Someone who manipulates you knows your weaknesses and will use them against you.If the person doing the manipulation is getting what they want from you, the manipulation will continue until you decide it has to stop and actively and intentionally put an end to it. This can be challenging, and you are encouraged to seek support during this process, especially if you are interacting with a chronically manipulative person.

At a GlanceRecognizing manipulation in your own relationship can be difficult because it might have started out subtly. Over time, manipulative behavior can become part of your partner’s everyday dynamic. Keep reading to learn how to recognize the signs of emotional manipulation and what you can do to respond to manipulation in relationships.

At a Glance

Recognizing manipulation in your own relationship can be difficult because it might have started out subtly. Over time, manipulative behavior can become part of your partner’s everyday dynamic. Keep reading to learn how to recognize the signs of emotional manipulation and what you can do to respond to manipulation in relationships.

Signs of Manipulation in a Relationship

What is manipulative behavior? It can include any or all of the following techniques:

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They’re Gaslighting You

A person who isgaslightingyou may lie to you, blame you for things, and minimize what you’re feeling. An example of manipulation in the form of gaslighting might include phrases like, “You’re crazy,” or “You’re too sensitive.”

Someone who is gaslighting you tries to make you feel that you aren’t worthy of expressing yourself and that your feelings and emotions are not real or valid. People gaslight in order to deny any wrongdoing on their part and to assert control over what you think and what you do.

If you suspect someone is gaslighting you, pay attention to how you feel after you spend time with them. You might feel confused, disappointed in yourself, inadequate, or like you can’t trust yourself.

Engaging in Passive-Aggressive Behavior

As opposed to using direct communication, a person who behavespassive-aggressivelydoesn’t express how they’re really feeling. Your partner might useavoidance tactics, such as actively dodging you or dodging the discussion of certain topics.Sarcasm can be another sign of passive-aggressive communication.

Always Lying and/or Blaming You

Someone who is emotionally manipulative will most likely avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They might blatantly lie or exaggerate things to portray themselves in a more positive light. They might even shift the blame to you, making you doubt yourself and what actually happened (this is another example of gaslighting).

Though many of us tell “white lies,” orlies that we consider harmless, a person who is emotionally manipulative will likely tell lies to mislead you.

Signs That Someone Is Lying

They Love Bomb You

Love bombing is another key sign that you’re being manipulated. It includes “bombing” you with big displays of affection at the onset of the relationship. This could look like saying “I love you” only weeks after dating or asking for commitment in the early stages. Someone who love bombs you compliments and worships you in one breath and then discards and devalues you in the next.

A love bomber’s ultimate goal is control—to trap you in a cycle of abuse and codependency. It’s a common tactic often used in abusive relationships, where the love bomber will inflict abuse and then reiterate apologies (like gifts or sweet gestures) but never take accountability or change their behaviors. Love bombing can lead to other manipulative behaviors like gaslighting and coercion.

Am I Being Love-Bombed? Take the Quiz

Use Threats and Coercion to Make You Do Things

Someone who coerces you—using threats or force to get you to do something—is being emotionally manipulative.For instance, your partner might threaten to leave you because you won’t go along with exactly whattheywant you to do.

Someone who threatens to hurt themselves should seek counseling from a mental healthcare professional.

You can encourage your partner to seek help, while still enforcing any boundaries between yourself and them to protect your emotional and physical safety.

Another sign of emotional manipulation is if your partner withdraws from you. Maybe they give you the silent treatment if you are doing something they don’t want you to do.

They might withhold information, affection, or even sex to “punish” you, even for something insignificant.They might refuse to stop withdrawing or withholding until you do what they want or until you admit blame for something that isn’t your fault.

Isolate You From Family and Friends

A person who wants to control you might try to cut off your contact with friends and family, especially if any of your loved ones express a dislike or distrust of the emotionally manipulative person.

On the other hand, an emotionally manipulative person might try to gain the support of your family and friends for their own benefit. For instance, if your partner knows you want to leave them, they might try convincing your family or friends to tell you to stay with them.

Your partner might try to alienate you from your support system, causing you to doubt your decision to move on from the relationship.

Consequences of Manipulation

Think you’ve been or are being manipulated in your relationship? Here are some common signs:

Why Do People Accept or Tolerate Manipulation in Relationships?A person may come to believe that they are to blame for their partner’s behavior. They may fear defending themselves, leaving their partner, or being alone. They may struggle withpeople-pleasingin response to trauma and they may have been raised in households where their needs and feelings were dismissed or minimized. They may also lack thesocial supportto help them leave a manipulative relationship.

Why Do People Accept or Tolerate Manipulation in Relationships?

A person may come to believe that they are to blame for their partner’s behavior. They may fear defending themselves, leaving their partner, or being alone. They may struggle withpeople-pleasingin response to trauma and they may have been raised in households where their needs and feelings were dismissed or minimized. They may also lack thesocial supportto help them leave a manipulative relationship.

Double Standards: How to Identify and Avoid Them in Relationships

Why Manipulators Act the Way They Do

In general, people manipulate others to get what they want, to protect theirego, and to avoid having to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

People who use manipulative behavior in relationships sometimes come from adysfunctionalfamily of origin (the family they grew up in).

People who haveattachmentissues and people who have high levels of anxiety may be more likely to use emotional manipulation.In some cases, manipulative behavior is linked with symptoms of a mental health condition such asborderline personality disorder(BPD)ornarcissistic personality disorder(NPD).

How to Respond to Manipulative Behavior

Manipulation and other forms ofemotional abusethat you do not have to tolerate or accept from a romantic partner—or anyone else in your life. It is important to understand that manipulation is a form of emotional blackmail and learn how to respond.

Don’t Minimize Manipulation

It might take a while to recognize emotional manipulation, but when you do, don’t act as if it isn’t a big deal. Emotional manipulation needs to be addressed, whether you are the target or the perpetrator.

The first step is admitting that you’re in an emotionally manipulative relationship.

Consider having an honest and direct conversation with your partner to address the manipulation. If you are being manipulated, you might name specific examples of their behavior and how it affects you. Be specific in describing the forms of manipulation and your feelings in response to them.

For instance, you might say, “When you shut down in response to my saying something that you disagree with, I feel sad and discouraged. I’d like to feel connected with you; is this something you are open to talking about?” or “When you tell me that I said something I didn’t say, I feel confused and frustrated. Can we have an honest talk about what is happening?”

Seek Help

Getting to the root of emotional manipulation can be tricky—especially if one or both partners have a tendency to avoid honest discussions. You might attendrelationship or marriage counselingif both parties are willing.Seeing a therapiston your own can also help you understand the emotional manipulation present in your relationship.

A mental health professional can also help you and your partner understand how to address manipulative behavior if it’s linked to a specific mental health condition such as anxiety.

A therapist can provide suggestions for better communication. Therapy is an opportunity for you and your partner to betterunderstand both of your vulnerabilities, which may help strengthen the relationship.

When manipulation persists, a therapist can help you decide where to set healthy boundaries and how to know when to walk away from amanipulative personif necessary.

Set Boundaries

It’s important toset boundariesin any relationship, but especially so if someone is being emotionally manipulative. Try to have a discussion with your partner about what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. You need to set specific consequences of boundaries as well.

For instance, you might say, “If you continue to interrupt me and tell me that I’m not feeling what I’m actually feeling, I will stop engaging in this conversation and step away to take care of myself.”

If they continue interrupting you and denying what you’re thinking and feeling, you can then end the conversation, leave the room, and return to the conversation when you are ready to do so at your own pace, in your own time.

If they continue being manipulative, you may consider setting an internal boundary toend the relationshipif the manipulation continues after a certain point.

For instance, if your partner continues to deny there are any issues in your relationship and that you are “crazy” or “too sensitive,” you need to communicate that you can no longer be in a relationship with someone who chooses not to honor your feelings.

In some cases, manipulation and emotional abuse are precursors tophysical abuse.If you feel you are in physical danger, make an exit plan. Let family and friends know that you plan to leave your partner, and set up a time to meet a trusted loved one. If possible, you may need to find another place to live if you live with your partner.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship Safely

Show Yourself Compassion

If you are a survivor of emotional manipulation, you might have the tendency to blame yourself orfeel guiltywhen you set and enforce boundaries with a manipulative person. Remember that your emotional and physical safety are important and worthy of protection and care.Practice giving yourself compassionand remember that you deserve to feel safe and respected in a relationship.

You can’t control the other person’s behavior, but you can control whether or not you choose to be around them.

RecapIf you are experiencing manipulation in your relationship, don’t minimize the behavior. Talk to the other person, seek help from a mental health professional, create boundaries, and treat yourself with compassion.

Recap

If you are experiencing manipulation in your relationship, don’t minimize the behavior. Talk to the other person, seek help from a mental health professional, create boundaries, and treat yourself with compassion.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Manipulation

When you decide to approach your partner about the manipulation in your relationship, it is important to have a plan for how this conversation will go. When you confront someone who is manipulating you, there is the risk that they will continue to use the same tactics to try to manipulate you further.

If your partner becomes angry, defensive, and unwilling to listen, then it may be time to honestly check in with yourself to decide how and if you want to stay in a relationship with this person.

Takeaways

Manipulation might seem like an easy or “natural” way to deal with a difficult issue or to get things to go the way you want them to, but it is hurtful and damaging to your relationships. You and your loved ones deserve honest and loving communication.

If you are experiencing manipulation in a relationship, take steps to address the behavior before it becomes worse. Discuss the problem with the other person, establish clear boundaries, and be willing to walk away if they are not willing to change.

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13 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Stanford University.The ethics of manipulation.Sweet PL.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R.“It’s not in your head”: gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963Schanz CG, Equit M, Schäfer SK, Michael T.Self-directed passive-aggressive behaviour as an essential component of depression: findings from two cross-sectional observational studies.BMC Psychiatry. 2022;22(1):200. doi:10.1186/s12888-022-03850-1Rakovec-Felser Z.Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective.Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821Carton ST, Horan SM.A diary examination of romantic and sexual partners withholding affectionate messages.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2014;31(2):221-246. doi:10.1177/0265407513490587Dokkedahl S, Kok RN, Murphy S, Kristensen TR, Bech-Hansen D, Elklit A.The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: protocol for a systematic review and meta-analysis.Syst Rev. 2019;8(1):198. doi:10.1186/s13643-019-1118-1Rodriguez LM, DiBello AM, Øverup CS, Neighbors C.The price of distrust: Trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse.Partner Abuse. 2015;6(3):298-319. doi:10.1891/1946-6560.6.3.298Brüne M.Borderline personality disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52-66. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002Green A, Charles K.Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation.SAGE Open.2019;9(2):215824401984669. doi:10.1177/2158244019846693Copp JE, Giordano PC, Longmore MA, Manning WD.Stay-or-leave decision making in nonviolent and violent dating relationships.Violence Vict. 2015;30(4):581-599. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.VV-D-13-00176Office on Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Emotional and verbal abuse.Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

13 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Stanford University.The ethics of manipulation.Sweet PL.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R.“It’s not in your head”: gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963Schanz CG, Equit M, Schäfer SK, Michael T.Self-directed passive-aggressive behaviour as an essential component of depression: findings from two cross-sectional observational studies.BMC Psychiatry. 2022;22(1):200. doi:10.1186/s12888-022-03850-1Rakovec-Felser Z.Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective.Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821Carton ST, Horan SM.A diary examination of romantic and sexual partners withholding affectionate messages.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2014;31(2):221-246. doi:10.1177/0265407513490587Dokkedahl S, Kok RN, Murphy S, Kristensen TR, Bech-Hansen D, Elklit A.The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: protocol for a systematic review and meta-analysis.Syst Rev. 2019;8(1):198. doi:10.1186/s13643-019-1118-1Rodriguez LM, DiBello AM, Øverup CS, Neighbors C.The price of distrust: Trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse.Partner Abuse. 2015;6(3):298-319. doi:10.1891/1946-6560.6.3.298Brüne M.Borderline personality disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52-66. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002Green A, Charles K.Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation.SAGE Open.2019;9(2):215824401984669. doi:10.1177/2158244019846693Copp JE, Giordano PC, Longmore MA, Manning WD.Stay-or-leave decision making in nonviolent and violent dating relationships.Violence Vict. 2015;30(4):581-599. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.VV-D-13-00176Office on Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Emotional and verbal abuse.Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Stanford University.The ethics of manipulation.Sweet PL.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R.“It’s not in your head”: gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963Schanz CG, Equit M, Schäfer SK, Michael T.Self-directed passive-aggressive behaviour as an essential component of depression: findings from two cross-sectional observational studies.BMC Psychiatry. 2022;22(1):200. doi:10.1186/s12888-022-03850-1Rakovec-Felser Z.Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective.Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821Carton ST, Horan SM.A diary examination of romantic and sexual partners withholding affectionate messages.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2014;31(2):221-246. doi:10.1177/0265407513490587Dokkedahl S, Kok RN, Murphy S, Kristensen TR, Bech-Hansen D, Elklit A.The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: protocol for a systematic review and meta-analysis.Syst Rev. 2019;8(1):198. doi:10.1186/s13643-019-1118-1Rodriguez LM, DiBello AM, Øverup CS, Neighbors C.The price of distrust: Trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse.Partner Abuse. 2015;6(3):298-319. doi:10.1891/1946-6560.6.3.298Brüne M.Borderline personality disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52-66. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002Green A, Charles K.Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation.SAGE Open.2019;9(2):215824401984669. doi:10.1177/2158244019846693Copp JE, Giordano PC, Longmore MA, Manning WD.Stay-or-leave decision making in nonviolent and violent dating relationships.Violence Vict. 2015;30(4):581-599. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.VV-D-13-00176Office on Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Emotional and verbal abuse.Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

Stanford University.The ethics of manipulation.

Sweet PL.The sociology of gaslighting.Am Sociol Rev. 2019;84(5):851-875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843

Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R.“It’s not in your head”: gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963

Schanz CG, Equit M, Schäfer SK, Michael T.Self-directed passive-aggressive behaviour as an essential component of depression: findings from two cross-sectional observational studies.BMC Psychiatry. 2022;22(1):200. doi:10.1186/s12888-022-03850-1

Rakovec-Felser Z.Domestic violence and abuse in intimate relationship from public health perspective.Health Psychol Res. 2014;2(3):1821. doi:10.4081/hpr.2014.1821

Carton ST, Horan SM.A diary examination of romantic and sexual partners withholding affectionate messages.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2014;31(2):221-246. doi:10.1177/0265407513490587

Dokkedahl S, Kok RN, Murphy S, Kristensen TR, Bech-Hansen D, Elklit A.The psychological subtype of intimate partner violence and its effect on mental health: protocol for a systematic review and meta-analysis.Syst Rev. 2019;8(1):198. doi:10.1186/s13643-019-1118-1

Rodriguez LM, DiBello AM, Øverup CS, Neighbors C.The price of distrust: Trust, anxious attachment, jealousy, and partner abuse.Partner Abuse. 2015;6(3):298-319. doi:10.1891/1946-6560.6.3.298

Brüne M.Borderline personality disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52-66. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002

Green A, Charles K.Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation.SAGE Open.2019;9(2):215824401984669. doi:10.1177/2158244019846693

Copp JE, Giordano PC, Longmore MA, Manning WD.Stay-or-leave decision making in nonviolent and violent dating relationships.Violence Vict. 2015;30(4):581-599. doi:10.1891/0886-6708.VV-D-13-00176

Office on Women’s Health, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Emotional and verbal abuse.

Rogers SL, Howieson J, Neame C.I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict.PeerJ. 2018;6:e4831. doi:10.7717/peerj.4831

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