7 Signs a Therapist Is Not the Right Fit

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsAttributes of Good TherapistsSigns a Therapist Isn’t the Best FitHow to Break Up With Your Therapist

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Table of Contents

Attributes of Good Therapists

Signs a Therapist Isn’t the Best Fit

How to Break Up With Your Therapist

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If you are experiencing amental healthchallenge, entering therapy is a brave first step. As you begin this journey, keep in mind that each person is unique and has specific needs when it comes to therapy. Not only is it important that you choose a type of therapy that will work best for your mental health condition, but it’s vital that you find a therapist who you feel comfortable with.

In fact, studies have found that the therapist-patient relationship is a top concern for people in therapy, and when there isn’t a good match between client and therapist, it can have strong negative impacts on their therapy experience.

Here are some signs that your therapist is not the right match for you, what some traits of a good therapist are, and what to do if you find yourself in a situation where you need to switch therapists.

How to Find a Therapist

Before we look at the types of therapist-patient relationships that are less favorable, let’s consider some traits ofgoodtherapists.

It should be noted that oftentimes, it’s not a matter who is a “good therapist” or a “bad therapist,” but who is a good match for your particular needs and personality.

Generally speaking, therapists who are the right fit for you have the following traits:

12 Things Your Therapist Knows That You May Not

Just like different people in your life don’t seem to “get” you, the first one or two therapists you try may not feel quite right. In fact, it’s common for people to need to try a few different therapists until they find the one that feels right to them.It’s also possible to “outgrow” your therapist and realize a few months or years down the road that you need a different therapist.

Here are some signs that your therapist isn’t the best match for you.

You Simply Don’t Like Your Therapist

You don’t have to adore your therapist, or feel like they are someone you’d be friends with outside of therapy, but you do have to like their basic personality and find them trustworthy. Research has found that people who don’t like their therapist’s personality or who don’t find them to be someone to look up to often have negative experiences in therapy.

Do I Have to Like My Therapist?

Your Therapist Is Engaging in Unethical Behaviors

Unethical behaviorsfrom a therapist may include inappropriate touching, asking for sexual favors, violating confidentiality, and asking for or accepting bribes. Each counseling and therapist credentialing organization has their own set of ethics, and if your therapist appears to be violating these codes, you should report them to the organization associated with their credentials.

In essence, any therapist who engages in unethical behaviors is breaching your trust. Studies have found that experiencing any kind of unethical behavior can be extremely damaging for the person receiving therapy, which is why you should end the therapy as soon as possible if your therapist is exhibiting any unethical behavior.

Your Therapist Isn’t Culturally Sensitive

We all come from different backgrounds, ethnicities, and religions. Your therapist doesn’t have to come from the same background as you do, but it’s imperative that they aresensitiveto yours.

If your therapist seems to be pushing their own cultural or religious agenda on you or is urging you to reject your own, this is a red flag. Similarly, if your therapist isn’t sensitive about your gender or sexual orientation, they are not a good match for you. Additionally, a therapist who avoids discussion around culture, especially when there is a cultural difference between therapist and client, may not be a good fit.

Your Therapist Isn’t Clear About Goals

Therapy isn’t meant to provide immediate results, and each person will have a different timetable when it comes to progress. Still, your therapist should be clear about what benchmarks they are hoping you’ll hit. They should be discussing what your goals for therapy are, and should note when you have made progress.

Your Therapist Doesn’t Have the Right Background or Training to Help You

There are many differenttypes of therapyout there—includingcognitive behavioral therapy(CBT),dialectical behavior therapy(DBT),psychodynamic therapy, andinterpersonal therapy. Oftentimes, therapists are well versed in more than one type of therapy. Still, your therapist may not have the background or training to help you in the most productive way, and this might be a reason they aren’t the best match for you.

Besides ensuring that the type of therapy that your therapist practices work for your situation, it’s important that your therapist has experience dealing with the conditions that you are experiencing.

Most therapists have experience dealing withanxietyordepression, but if you are dealing with somewhat less common or more serious conditions likeeating disorders,bipolar disorder, orgender dysphoria, it’s important that you have a therapist who has experience helping people with these conditions.

Your Therapist Is Judgmental

It can be appropriate for a therapist to call out behaviors or choices that don’t seem helpful to you or that may harm you, but a therapist should nevershameyou.

If and when they are critical, it should come from a place of compassion and understanding. If you feel like your therapist looks down on you or seems overly harsh or judgmental, it may be time to move on.

Your Therapist Is Too Much Of A Friend

It’s nice to have a therapist who feels like a peer, or someone you could be friends with outside of therapy. That can help you feel more comfortable and at ease. But there are certain therapist-client boundaries, and if your therapist breaks them often, this isn’t a good sign.

For example, if your therapist spends too much time talking about themselves, or their own struggles, this isn’t appropriate. Sometimes therapists who are too much like friends won’t challenge you or push you out of your comfort zone.

Even if you feel clear that it’s time tomoveon, it can be difficult to tell your therapist. You may feel worried that you will be hurting their feelings, or that they will be angry with you. You may doubt that you are doing the right thing. These are all normal feelings to have, and it’s understandable.

But you deserve to have effective, compassionate care, and that may mean “breaking up” with your current therapist. Keep in mind, too, that it’s part of a therapist’s job to deal with patients who move on—you don’t have to worry about taking care of their feelings.

Here are some tips for telling your therapist that you’re ready to call it quits:

While you have no obligation to your therapist to share this in person, it could be a healing moment for you to advocate for yourself and your needs. Ideally, your therapist would be receptive and curious about your reasoning to ultimately help you better understand your feelings and experience. Even if this is not the case, it could be a valuable moment for you to have a difficult conversation in service of your best interest.

A Word From Verywell

Just as making the choice to start therapy is a brave choice, realizing that a therapist isn’t the right match for you takes courage, and is a sign of your inner strength. It can be scary when you realize you need to move on and find a new therapist, but it’s very common, and a better fit is out there for you. Don’t give up—you willfind the right therapist for you.

How to Choose the Best Type of Therapy For You

8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rozental A, Kottorp A, Boettcher J, et al.Negative Effects of Psychological Treatments: An Exploratory Factor Analysis of the Negative Effects Questionnaire for Monitoring and Reporting Adverse and Unwanted Events. PLOS One. 2016;11(6):e0157503. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0157503American Psychological Association.How to choose a psychologist.Crits-Christoph P, Rieger A, Gaines A, et al.Trust and respect in the patient-clinician relationship: preliminary development of a new scale. BMC Psychology. 2019;7:91. doi:10.1186/s40359-019-0347-3Sexton H, Littauer H, Sexton A, et al.Building an alliance: Early therapy process and the client–therapist connection. Psychotherapy Research. 2005;15(1-2):103-116. doi:10.1080/10503300512331327083National Alliance on Mental Illness.Finding a Mental Health ProfessionalCurran J, Parry GD, Hardy GE, et al.How Does Therapy Harm? A Model of Adverse Process Using Task Analysis in the Meta-Synthesis of Service Users' Experience. Frontiers in Psychology. 2019;10:347. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00347Greenstein L.How Do I Know if My Therapist is Effective?National Alliance on Mental Illness.National Institute of Mental Health.Psychotherapies.

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rozental A, Kottorp A, Boettcher J, et al.Negative Effects of Psychological Treatments: An Exploratory Factor Analysis of the Negative Effects Questionnaire for Monitoring and Reporting Adverse and Unwanted Events. PLOS One. 2016;11(6):e0157503. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0157503American Psychological Association.How to choose a psychologist.Crits-Christoph P, Rieger A, Gaines A, et al.Trust and respect in the patient-clinician relationship: preliminary development of a new scale. BMC Psychology. 2019;7:91. doi:10.1186/s40359-019-0347-3Sexton H, Littauer H, Sexton A, et al.Building an alliance: Early therapy process and the client–therapist connection. Psychotherapy Research. 2005;15(1-2):103-116. doi:10.1080/10503300512331327083National Alliance on Mental Illness.Finding a Mental Health ProfessionalCurran J, Parry GD, Hardy GE, et al.How Does Therapy Harm? A Model of Adverse Process Using Task Analysis in the Meta-Synthesis of Service Users' Experience. Frontiers in Psychology. 2019;10:347. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00347Greenstein L.How Do I Know if My Therapist is Effective?National Alliance on Mental Illness.National Institute of Mental Health.Psychotherapies.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Rozental A, Kottorp A, Boettcher J, et al.Negative Effects of Psychological Treatments: An Exploratory Factor Analysis of the Negative Effects Questionnaire for Monitoring and Reporting Adverse and Unwanted Events. PLOS One. 2016;11(6):e0157503. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0157503American Psychological Association.How to choose a psychologist.Crits-Christoph P, Rieger A, Gaines A, et al.Trust and respect in the patient-clinician relationship: preliminary development of a new scale. BMC Psychology. 2019;7:91. doi:10.1186/s40359-019-0347-3Sexton H, Littauer H, Sexton A, et al.Building an alliance: Early therapy process and the client–therapist connection. Psychotherapy Research. 2005;15(1-2):103-116. doi:10.1080/10503300512331327083National Alliance on Mental Illness.Finding a Mental Health ProfessionalCurran J, Parry GD, Hardy GE, et al.How Does Therapy Harm? A Model of Adverse Process Using Task Analysis in the Meta-Synthesis of Service Users' Experience. Frontiers in Psychology. 2019;10:347. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00347Greenstein L.How Do I Know if My Therapist is Effective?National Alliance on Mental Illness.National Institute of Mental Health.Psychotherapies.

Rozental A, Kottorp A, Boettcher J, et al.Negative Effects of Psychological Treatments: An Exploratory Factor Analysis of the Negative Effects Questionnaire for Monitoring and Reporting Adverse and Unwanted Events. PLOS One. 2016;11(6):e0157503. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0157503

American Psychological Association.How to choose a psychologist.

Crits-Christoph P, Rieger A, Gaines A, et al.Trust and respect in the patient-clinician relationship: preliminary development of a new scale. BMC Psychology. 2019;7:91. doi:10.1186/s40359-019-0347-3

Sexton H, Littauer H, Sexton A, et al.Building an alliance: Early therapy process and the client–therapist connection. Psychotherapy Research. 2005;15(1-2):103-116. doi:10.1080/10503300512331327083

National Alliance on Mental Illness.Finding a Mental Health Professional

Curran J, Parry GD, Hardy GE, et al.How Does Therapy Harm? A Model of Adverse Process Using Task Analysis in the Meta-Synthesis of Service Users' Experience. Frontiers in Psychology. 2019;10:347. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00347

Greenstein L.How Do I Know if My Therapist is Effective?National Alliance on Mental Illness.

National Institute of Mental Health.Psychotherapies.

Hannah Owens, LMSW

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