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Mental Health HomepageConditions LibraryConditions CategoryConditions Category6 Ways to Deal With Your Narcissistic Boss

Table of Contents:Overview1. Moderate Your Expectations2. Treat Your Boss How He Wants to Be Treated (Within Reason)3. Remember the Details of His Personal Life4. Accept Responsibility5. Don’t Complain to Coworkers, Unless They Are Close Personal Friends6. Look Up Alternate Jobs

Narcissistic Personality DisorderRead Time: 5 Minutes

Published On: December 18, 2017

Updated On: November 3, 2023

OverviewNarcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is almost as hard to deal with in the workplace as it is infamilyorintimate relationships. The most difficult situation is when your boss is a narcissist, because not only are you forced into close contact with your boss every day, but you are dependent on them for your income.When your boss is unpredictable, self-centered, and easily upset, you might develop something akin to aPTSDresponse when you go into work each day. You are terrified of being insulted, shamed in front of coworkers, overlooked for opportunities, or even fired. Fortunately, though, there are ways to deal with your narcissistic boss that may allow you to survive and even thrive at work.Note: I use the masculine pronoun in this piece, but obviously there are many female bosses who are narcissistic or havenarcissistic personality disorder.

Overview

Narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is almost as hard to deal with in the workplace as it is infamilyorintimate relationships. The most difficult situation is when your boss is a narcissist, because not only are you forced into close contact with your boss every day, but you are dependent on them for your income.

When your boss is unpredictable, self-centered, and easily upset, you might develop something akin to aPTSDresponse when you go into work each day. You are terrified of being insulted, shamed in front of coworkers, overlooked for opportunities, or even fired. Fortunately, though, there are ways to deal with your narcissistic boss that may allow you to survive and even thrive at work.

Note: I use the masculine pronoun in this piece, but obviously there are many female bosses who are narcissistic or havenarcissistic personality disorder.

  1. Moderate Your ExpectationsYour boss might not care if you are sick and will not remember your wedding is in June. Nor will he be sorry for calling you at 9 p.m. on a Friday night. Don’t keep expecting him to have boundaries or reasonable demands. This strategy doesn’t mean you have to comply with irrational requests. If you recognize and accept that irrational requests will continue to be made, however, you’ll end up feeling less stressed and angry.

1. Moderate Your Expectations

Your boss might not care if you are sick and will not remember your wedding is in June. Nor will he be sorry for calling you at 9 p.m. on a Friday night. Don’t keep expecting him to have boundaries or reasonable demands. This strategy doesn’t mean you have to comply with irrational requests. If you recognize and accept that irrational requests will continue to be made, however, you’ll end up feeling less stressed and angry.

  1. Treat Your Boss How He Wants to Be Treated (Within Reason)This tactic doesn’t mean running to get him a cup of coffee every time he asks, but take careful note of how your boss represents himself to you and to others. If, for example, your boss considers himself a high-ranking guy, don’t suggest that a meeting be set up at Starbucks. Propose a high-end meeting place.The more you pretend to see your boss for who he tries to be, the easier things will go for you. Be sure you don’t genuinely “drink the Kool Aid,” though.Rely on a therapistor a friend as a sounding board to express your true feelings about your boss so you don’t begin to genuinely idealize him.

2. Treat Your Boss How He Wants to Be Treated (Within Reason)

This tactic doesn’t mean running to get him a cup of coffee every time he asks, but take careful note of how your boss represents himself to you and to others. If, for example, your boss considers himself a high-ranking guy, don’t suggest that a meeting be set up at Starbucks. Propose a high-end meeting place.

The more you pretend to see your boss for who he tries to be, the easier things will go for you. Be sure you don’t genuinely “drink the Kool Aid,” though.Rely on a therapistor a friend as a sounding board to express your true feelings about your boss so you don’t begin to genuinely idealize him.

  1. Remember the Details of His Personal LifeMost coworkers don’t expect you to know the names of their children, but a narcissistic boss will never forgive you if you don’t remember little Susie’s name — and that she is really into tennis. If your memory isn’t great, write some notes on a document so you can remember the details.

3. Remember the Details of His Personal Life

Most coworkers don’t expect you to know the names of their children, but a narcissistic boss will never forgive you if you don’t remember little Susie’s name — and that she is really into tennis. If your memory isn’t great, write some notes on a document so you can remember the details.

4. Accept Responsibility

5. Don’t Complain to Coworkers, Unless They Are Close Personal Friends

  1. Look Up Alternate JobsThesetipsmay only help you for so long, depending on the level of toxicity in the situation. You don’t have to remain in the position you’re in, and going over your boss’ head to complain might have bad consequences. Certainly, if there is outright harassment or abuse going on, report it. But if your main issue is with your boss’ narcissistic personality, he isn’t going to change anytime soon. If you can’t or don’t want to deal with him long term, it is only logical to explore other potential opportunities in your job area.Hopefully some of these points apply to your situation. Remember, your mantra needs to be: “Accept that your boss won’t change, and make your life as easy as you can.” Letting a narcissistic boss ruin your day — or your life — isn’t fair to you!

6. Look Up Alternate Jobs

Thesetipsmay only help you for so long, depending on the level of toxicity in the situation. You don’t have to remain in the position you’re in, and going over your boss’ head to complain might have bad consequences. Certainly, if there is outright harassment or abuse going on, report it. But if your main issue is with your boss’ narcissistic personality, he isn’t going to change anytime soon. If you can’t or don’t want to deal with him long term, it is only logical to explore other potential opportunities in your job area.

Hopefully some of these points apply to your situation. Remember, your mantra needs to be: “Accept that your boss won’t change, and make your life as easy as you can.” Letting a narcissistic boss ruin your day — or your life — isn’t fair to you!

Dr. Samantha RodmanDr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, PsyD, is originally from Brooklyn, New York and now lives in Potomac, Maryland with her husband and three children. She attended Columbia University for her BA, and received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from the University of Maryland at College Park. Dr. Whiten is a licensed psychologist seeing clients via phone and video. She has been working with individuals, couples, and families in her private practice since 2009.

Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, PsyD, is originally from Brooklyn, New York and now lives in Potomac, Maryland with her husband and three children. She attended Columbia University for her BA, and received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from the University of Maryland at College Park. Dr. Whiten is a licensed psychologist seeing clients via phone and video. She has been working with individuals, couples, and families in her private practice since 2009.

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