5 Reasons Why You Can't Let Go of Resentment, According to Therapists

Table of ContentsView AllTable of Contents5 Reasons Why You Can’t Let Go of ResentmentHow Resentment Impacts Your Well-BeingIs the Goal Really to Feel No Resentment At All?Strategies to Help You Begin Letting Go of Resentment

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

5 Reasons Why You Can’t Let Go of Resentment

How Resentment Impacts Your Well-Being

Is the Goal Really to Feel No Resentment At All?

Strategies to Help You Begin Letting Go of Resentment

“With resentment, we often hold ill will toward someone or something that is the cause of the past injustices—real or perceived—and the old feelings of anger connected to them,” explainsRachel Fleischman, LCSW, founder of Bliss Counseling. “This gets sticky. People get very attached to their resentments because they are based in the deep sense of being wronged.”

The problem with resentment is that it’s something we hold within ourselves. In that sense, it often ends up impacting us more than it does the offender.

Ahead, we’re covering common reasons why you can’t let go of resentment, how this can impact you over the long term, and effective ways to process and assuage this complicated emotion.

Why is it so hard to let go of resentment? Consider these common reasons.

Rachel Fleischman, LCSWPeople get very attached to their resentments because they are based in the deep sense of being wronged.

Rachel Fleischman, LCSW

People get very attached to their resentments because they are based in the deep sense of being wronged.

You Feel Like There’s No Closure or Resolution

When a situation feels like it’s been left open-ended, it’s difficult to move forward. It’s human nature to desire a sense of closure before we can let go of any negative feelings. “We may be waiting for the other person to notice or say something,” notesSarah Baroud, LICSW. She adds, “If I’m feeling resentful, it makes sense that I would want the person I resent to take action to fix orapologize.”

Confronting the Issue Head-On Is Overwhelming

One reason you may experience a lack of resolution is that it feels easier to sit in your resentment than to do the work required toconfront the situationand mend the relationship.

A pointed finger without any conversation leaves us stagnated and bitter.

In the event that you don’t want to continue the relationship, it’s still important to confront the issue within yourself and find inner peace.

How to Forgive: 5 Tips for Letting Go and Moving On

Letting Go Makes You Feel Like You’ve “Lost”

Sarah Baroud, LICSWLetting go of resentment may feel like you’re surrendering, like you’re letting the person off the hook.

Sarah Baroud, LICSW

Letting go of resentment may feel like you’re surrendering, like you’re letting the person off the hook.

Baroud says, “Letting go of resentment may feel like you’re surrendering, like you’re letting the person off the hook. That might feel like you lost some battle.” Fleischman adds that letting go might even feel like an admission that youremotionalinvestment in this long-held anger was futile or a waste of time.

Remind yourself that letting go of bitter anger or frustration doesn’t allow the other person to win, nor does it imply you’ve lost. Letting go allows you to finally move forward with your life without an ever-present nagging stronghold.

Holding Onto Resentment Provides Power and Control

Gripping steadfastly onto resentment can provide a false (and painful) sense of power or control over the situation or person. “It may feel you are maintaining a psychological advantage or maybe even protecting yourself from further harm,” Fleischman says. “Releasing resentment might be seen as relinquishing control.”

Often, though, the best way to grow, find resolve, and experience inner peace is to embracevulnerability.

Resentment Serves as a Coping Mechanism

Similarly, holding onto resentment might also serve as a subconscious protective mechanism you’ve put in place in order to shield yourself from future hurt.

“For example, if you are in a relationship and the person cheats on you, holding onto resentment can provide a defense mechanism to prevent you from moving forward, finding another relationship, and perhaps getting hurt again,” says Amy Robbins, PsyD, director of mental health atBIÂN Chicago.

Often, we must dig a little deeper in order to better understand why we can’t let go of these difficult feelings.

26 Quotes About Letting Go

“Resentment can often push other people away,” warns Dr. Robbins. “If you are someone who is always feeling angry, bitter, and wronged—and you are sharing that with other people—then over time those people are not going to want to be around you.”

Like any difficult emotion, research shows that holding onto resentment can cause stress in the body.A 2018 study that appeared in “Health Psychology” found that adults who held onto anger and hostility over the course of a decade experienced greater cognitive decline than those who were more apt to forgive.

Another study asked participants to think of a conflict in which they didn’t forgive someone while completing a physical test. They did worse compared to their peers who thought of a time when they forgave another person. The grudge holders were also more likely to think a hill looked steeper than the forgiving group, indicating a morepessimisticmindset.

The Dangers of Bottling Up Our Emotions

As you walk through life, it’s completely normal and OK to experience a variety of emotions. Issues arise when you’re unable to move through those emotions and they end up causing harm.

Amy Robbins, PsyDThe goal is nevernotto feel, but rather to recognize the feeling and try to understand what is at the root of it.

Amy Robbins, PsyD

The goal is nevernotto feel, but rather to recognize the feeling and try to understand what is at the root of it.

“The goal is nevernotto feel, but rather to recognize the feeling and try to understand what is at the root of it,” says Dr. Robbins. “Why are you unable to let go of the anger? Why in this certain situation do you feel wronged?  And what is the history of that feeling for you? That can begin to give you some insight into the resentment.”

Daniel Rinaldi, therapist and life coach, says that a realistic goal is to acknowledge the resentment and work toward processing it in a constructive way. You may not do it perfectly, and resentment may rear its head every once in a while. But striving to let go and find peace will serve you and your relationships.

Here are some ways you can slowly work through resentment and find a greater sense of inner peace.

The Mental Health Effects of Holding a Grudge

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.vanOyen Witvliet C, Ludwig TE, Vander Laan KL.Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychol Sci. 2001;12(2):117-123.Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Green E, Kennedy K, Travers S, Slavich GM.Hostility, forgiveness, and cognitive impairment over 10 years in a national sample of American adults. Health Psychol. 2018;37(12):1102-1106.Zheng X, Fehr R, Tai K, Narayanan J, Gelfand MJ.The unburdening effects of forgiveness: effects on slant perception and jumping height. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):431-438.

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.vanOyen Witvliet C, Ludwig TE, Vander Laan KL.Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychol Sci. 2001;12(2):117-123.Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Green E, Kennedy K, Travers S, Slavich GM.Hostility, forgiveness, and cognitive impairment over 10 years in a national sample of American adults. Health Psychol. 2018;37(12):1102-1106.Zheng X, Fehr R, Tai K, Narayanan J, Gelfand MJ.The unburdening effects of forgiveness: effects on slant perception and jumping height. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):431-438.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

vanOyen Witvliet C, Ludwig TE, Vander Laan KL.Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychol Sci. 2001;12(2):117-123.Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Green E, Kennedy K, Travers S, Slavich GM.Hostility, forgiveness, and cognitive impairment over 10 years in a national sample of American adults. Health Psychol. 2018;37(12):1102-1106.Zheng X, Fehr R, Tai K, Narayanan J, Gelfand MJ.The unburdening effects of forgiveness: effects on slant perception and jumping height. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):431-438.

vanOyen Witvliet C, Ludwig TE, Vander Laan KL.Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychol Sci. 2001;12(2):117-123.

Toussaint LL, Shields GS, Green E, Kennedy K, Travers S, Slavich GM.Hostility, forgiveness, and cognitive impairment over 10 years in a national sample of American adults. Health Psychol. 2018;37(12):1102-1106.

Zheng X, Fehr R, Tai K, Narayanan J, Gelfand MJ.The unburdening effects of forgiveness: effects on slant perception and jumping height. Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2015;6(4):431-438.

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