Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Are Intrusive Questions?What to Say When Someone Asks Intrusive QuestionsWhy Do People Ask Such Nosy Questions?
Table of ContentsView All
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Table of Contents
What Are Intrusive Questions?
What to Say When Someone Asks Intrusive Questions
Why Do People Ask Such Nosy Questions?
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From poking around yourpersonal money mattersto prodding about when you’re going to start having babies, intrusive questions can be cringy, uncomfortable, and irritating. When someone asks you a rude, invasive, or inappropriate question, your first instinct may be to throw some side-eye and say, “Mind your business!” While this approach can work sometimes, there’s probably a better way to go about it—one that doesn’t awkwardly escalate the situation but politely and definitively shuts down the convo.
Intrusive questions dive into areas of your life or certain topics that are private or that you aren’t wanting, willing, or ready to share yet, if ever, with the person asking. They often supersede the social bond you have with the person inquiring, and usually put you in a defensive state of mind right off the bat.
“You might feel uneasy about how to answer these questions to preserve your privacy and model appropriate boundaries,” says psychotherapistHillary Schoninger, LCSW. “These questions can be damaging because they can be jarring while holding an undercurrent tone of not being authentic, which can hurt our feelings and emotional stamina.”
People may feel like they have to answer the questions to avoid conflict, which can lead to resentment, frustration, or feelings of shame, addsCatherine Nobile, MD, PsyD, a psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology.
These topics range from highly sensitive personal information—like how much money you make or whether you plan to have a child—to topics that can easily erupt into a debate that you may not be interested in debating, like politics or religious beliefs. What they all have in common is that they can make the person being asked about the topic very uncomfortable.
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No matter the snoopy question du jour, you can always respond with a simple, “I’d rather talk about something else” or “Can we change the topic?” or “This topic makes me feel uneasy.” Still, navigating these situations with a bit of finesse can help ease any tension and prevent the asker from asking again in the future.
“[Friends] can ask these questions, but so can dental hygienists—and your response might be wildly different for each. Depending on the question and how intrusive you find it, the response might be different, too,” saysJenny Dreizen, a modern-day etiquette expert. “If you’re just interested in shutting down the conversation in a conversational way, try saying ‘Big question!’ and then just move on conversationally.”
Beyond these generalities, here are some examples of what to say when someone asks you an intrusive question depending on the topic.
Having Kids
Money Matters
Body Changes
Relationships + Dating
Religion and Politics
When asked an intrusive question, you can be direct (“That’s not an appropriate question”), keep things private (“This is not something I want to discuss), change the topic and redirect the conversation, be indirect (“I’m figuring it out”), or walk away if the intrusive question becomes an aggressive interrogation.
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People ask intrusive questions for all sorts of reasons, including genuine curiosity, a desire to connect on a certain topic, nosiness or lack of social awareness, or to simply start a conversation.But even if people are kind and well-intentioned, they may lack awareness about how they’re crossing a line when broaching these sensitive topics.
“Sometimes, people are socially awkward or lackemotional intelligenceand, as a result, they are less aware of when a question is intrusive,” Dr. Nobile says. “Other times, people might believe they are being helpful or empathetic when, in reality, they are asking a very intrusive question.”
Catherine Nobile, MD, PsyDSometimes, people are socially awkward or lack emotional intelligence and, as a result, they are less aware of when a question is intrusive.
Catherine Nobile, MD, PsyD
Sometimes, people are socially awkward or lack emotional intelligence and, as a result, they are less aware of when a question is intrusive.
She adds that what is considered intrusive also depends upon what is defined as public or private, and this definition varies across cultures and contexts based on different social norms. In other words, what’s free game for some people may be completely off the table for others.
Keep in Mind
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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Boundary.APA Dictionary of Psychology.American Psychological Association.Friends wanted.
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Boundary.APA Dictionary of Psychology.American Psychological Association.Friends wanted.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
American Psychological Association.Boundary.APA Dictionary of Psychology.American Psychological Association.Friends wanted.
American Psychological Association.Boundary.APA Dictionary of Psychology.
American Psychological Association.Friends wanted.
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