Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsIt Starts as the Occasional ConcessionIt’s Those Behaviors That Make You Feel UnsafeWhen They Just Don’t Keep Their WordCan A Friendship Be Mended Post Dealbreaker?What Boundaries Actually Mean
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
It Starts as the Occasional Concession
It’s Those Behaviors That Make You Feel Unsafe
When They Just Don’t Keep Their Word
Can A Friendship Be Mended Post Dealbreaker?
What Boundaries Actually Mean
Close
Friendships—especially as an adult—can beharder to findand maintain, but they’re essential to emotional well-being. Research shows that cultivating friendships late into adulthood can help stave off loneliness, depression, and social isolation.
My friendships are especially meaningful because they make up much of mychosen family. And, it turns out that as we age, interactions with our close friends can hold even more meaning than interactions with our families.I understand this deeply already.
Myfriendsaren’t just my friends, they’re like siblings. While this may sound idyllic, it also means that it can be pretty daunting when conflict arises. Conflict is inevitable in all relationships, but the closer the relationship, the higher the stakes are when a fight happens because the loss is that much greater when the rift cannot be mended.
Now, I have a curation of close friendships I’m deeply proud of. There are my tight-knit friendships I’ve had for almost 20 years. There are the newer friends I’ve made more recently. And, every so often, I get to see my friends connecting with one another in the same room.
I was curious to learn more about how others were navigating their friendships so I reached out to a few folks to learn what their deal-breakers were. Oh, and best of all? They’re all therapists.
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Blake Blankenbecler, licensed therapist and friendship educator based in Charlotte, NC, shared a story that resonated most with my recent friendship break-up. “Dealbreakers in friendship don’t often start off as dealbreakers,” she began.
She explained that it usually starts as one friend making the occasional concession—covering the dinner tab, being the first to apologize, or generally deferring to the other person’s wants. Yet, over time, when the first friend is always the one making compromises or giving a little more, this creates a pattern that can erodefriendships.
“The friendship cracks become hard to ignore. You have a conversation with your friend about your concerns and issues arise,” she continued. These common include when a friend refuses to see the issue at hand,dismissesit, or (gasp) says you’re being toosensitive.
Blankenbecler is a friendship educator, so I was eager to hear how she believes friendship fallouts could be avoided. Her answer provided insight into the power of honesty. “Based on some past friendship trauma, I believed that my friends really didn’t care or even notice when I’d go dark for a few weeks if I was busy,” she says.
Blake Blankenbecler, therapist and friendship educatorIf a friend does not care about the relational dynamics that make up your friendship, that is going to be a very lonely friendship to be in and one that I’d offer is not healthy to stay in.
Blake Blankenbecler, therapist and friendship educator
If a friend does not care about the relational dynamics that make up your friendship, that is going to be a very lonely friendship to be in and one that I’d offer is not healthy to stay in.
It wasn’t until a friend let her know how her going dark impacted her, leading her to create stories in her mind about why Blake was being distant. Not only did this help Blake realize the importance ofcommunication, especially during busy times, but it also let her know that their friendship does really matter and her friends do notice and care when she is less available.
“Creating a culture in your friendships that values kindhonestyand generosity is incredbily important for the sustainability of a friendship,” she concluded.
Natalie Moore, a licensed therapist in California, identifies a friendship deal breaker as anything that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in the relationship. Think along the lines ofdeception, betrayal, disrespect, ora lack of consistent support.
When I asked her for examples of how these friendship deal breakers can show up in common situations, she named a few I think many of us can relate to. “Your friend sharing your personal secrets with someone else, speaking badly about you behind your back… breaking promises, and overstepping your boundaries can all be possible dealbreakers,” she shared. Even her listing off those examples made me think back to friendships I have had throughout my life, especially when younger, and how painful some of those experiences were.
Natalie Moore, LMFTYour friend sharing your personal secrets with someone else, speaking badly about you behind your back… breaking promises, and overstepping your boundaries can all be possible dealbreakers
Natalie Moore, LMFT
Your friend sharing your personal secrets with someone else, speaking badly about you behind your back… breaking promises, and overstepping your boundaries can all be possible dealbreakers
When it comes to addressing friendship deal breakers, Moore recommends following a simple formula—state what they did that bothered them, name what you would like them to do instead, and share how you believe their changes will improve the relationship. “Friendships can be mended if you get a genuine sense that your friend is invested in the relationship and willing to make the changes you’ve asked them to make.” But, she cautions, if your friend did something unforgivable that makes you question their values or judgment, it may be grounds to end thefriendshipfor your own self-protection.
‘I Don’t Need Friends’: Why You Might Feel This Way
However, she agrees with my initial take thatconflictcan’t always be avoided. “Rupture and repair is a natural part of any relationship,” she shared. It is all about being upfront and transparent about your boundaries, needs, and values to avoid friendship fallouts.
Can a friendship be mended after a dealbreaker has occurred? It certainly can be, but there are some considerations to keep in mind. “Has your friend acknowledged the dealbreaker? Has a sincereapologyand changed behavior occurred?” Resha encourages folks to ask themselves. If the answer to both is yes, then there’s great evidence that things could be mended. If not, she recommends taking a hard look at if this is the relationship for you or not.
Blake Blankenbecler, therapist and friendship educatorHas your friend acknowledged the dealbreaker? Has a sincere apology and changed behavior occurred?
Has your friend acknowledged the dealbreaker? Has a sincere apology and changed behavior occurred?
In Natalie’s practice, she provides a lot of meaningful wisdom into the power of boundaries. The termboundariesshowed up often in all the conversations I had about friendships while researching this article, so I was very eager to hear her thoughts. More specifically, I was curious how she feels someone can identify theirboundaries.
When I asked Resha her thoughts, she shared the following boundaries as guidelines within friendships:
Are You The Only One Making The Effort? It Might Be a One-Sided Friendship
Therapy for Friends? You Got It.
Feeling stumped on how to move forward in a friendship but you both are clear you aren’t willing to end things? You can see atherapistfor that. Some therapists are open to working with friends. These sessions function somewhat similarly tocouples therapyin that both of you show up together and have a chance to discuss the issues at hand.
Blakeoffers this service to people living in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Texas. Youcan also reach out to therapistswho work with couples and groups to inquire if this is a service they offer.
How to Choose Your Dating Dealbreakers Wisely
2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Blieszner R, Ogletree AM, Adams RG.Friendship in later life: a research agenda.Innov Aging. 2019;3(1):igz005. doi: 10.1093/geroni/igz005Song I, Kwon JW, Jeon SM.The relative importance of friendship to happiness increases with age.PLoS One. 2023;18(7):e0288095. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0288095
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Blieszner R, Ogletree AM, Adams RG.Friendship in later life: a research agenda.Innov Aging. 2019;3(1):igz005. doi: 10.1093/geroni/igz005Song I, Kwon JW, Jeon SM.The relative importance of friendship to happiness increases with age.PLoS One. 2023;18(7):e0288095. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0288095
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Blieszner R, Ogletree AM, Adams RG.Friendship in later life: a research agenda.Innov Aging. 2019;3(1):igz005. doi: 10.1093/geroni/igz005Song I, Kwon JW, Jeon SM.The relative importance of friendship to happiness increases with age.PLoS One. 2023;18(7):e0288095. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0288095
Blieszner R, Ogletree AM, Adams RG.Friendship in later life: a research agenda.Innov Aging. 2019;3(1):igz005. doi: 10.1093/geroni/igz005
Song I, Kwon JW, Jeon SM.The relative importance of friendship to happiness increases with age.PLoS One. 2023;18(7):e0288095. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0288095
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