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Dr. Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist and creator of emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples, has found three key factors that relationships must have in order to be truly healthy. She notes that when couples are arguing with each other, and it is one of those blood-boiling kinds of arguments, it’s not reallyabout the dishes, the garbage, or even the money, as so manycouplesthink it is. When relationships are not secure and partners are feeling disconnected from each other, any kind of content makes fair grounds for a fight. That content, however, is not what the fight is about. What they are really arguing over is the key question of “are you there for me?”
Partners are asking each other “Are you there for me?”
Johnson offers partners a road map to secure relationships through EFT to help them answer the question “are you there for me” affirmatively. She notes the three factors that must be present in order to answer “yes” to that key question and makes it easy to remember with the acronym A.R.E. The key factors in healthy relationships are: accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement. If you wish to improve your relationship, start to focus on increasing these A.R.E. qualities together.
5 Green Flags in Relationships
Accessibility
Responsiveness
Emotional Engagement
The third key ingredient in healthy relationships is emotional engagement.Emotionshave not always been well understood, but more research is leading to an increased understanding of them. Johnson argues that love is really an emotional bond more than anything else, and research in neuroscience,psychology, and biology seems to be backing up this claim, as she demonstrates in her bookLove Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. It is, therefore, crucial for partners to be emotionally engaged with each other. It is not only important to care about your partner’s emotional experience and be curious about it, but you should also let them know. The more emotionally engaged partners are with each other, the stronger their bond.
Next time you get into one of those blood-boiling fights with your partner, stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself what you are really fighting about. Chances are, you are both struggling to see if you are there for each other and how much you really matter to each other. Increase your accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement with each other, and fights will start to be easier to overcome, as they will really just be about the dishes, the garbage, and of course the money.
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