Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest as a disconnect between what someone says and what they do. It may be used consciously as a strategy to manipulate others, or stem from a fear of conflict and difficulty with direct communication.
While people can be passive-aggressive both intentionally and unintentionally, it typically involves a lack of clear and honest expression of thoughts and feelings.
Examples Of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include resentment and opposition to the demands of others – especially of those in authority; resistance to cooperation, procrastination, and intentional mistakes in response to the demands of others; a cynical, sullen, or hostile attitude; and frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated.
Backhanded compliments
Examples you hear can include:
Sarcasm
Examples of passive-aggressive sarcasm include:
In these cases, sarcasm serves as a vehicle for expressing negative emotions or judgments while avoiding direct confrontation or honest communication about the speaker’s true feelings.
Silent treatment
The silent treatment is simply not talking to someone who has upset you. People will use their silence to let others know they did something they do not agree with.
This is a way of refusing to verbally communicate why they feel hurt, leaving the other person to figure out why they are mad. This behavior withholds attention while avoiding direct conflict, which may be more uncomfortable for someone to deal with.
Silence can be read as passive-aggressive in certain contexts. For example, someone may refuse to respond during an argument.
Similarly, ignoring a question or simply never replying to a message. All in all, silence when a response is warranted is often considered passive aggression.
Evading issues
People who evade issues avoid addressing problems directly, often pretending everything is fine when it’s not.
This behavior stems from a reluctance to deal with emotions or confront difficult situations head-on. Instead of openly discussing concerns, they may deflect or minimize issues.
Examples of evading issues in a passive-aggressive manner include:
This evasion can lead to unresolved tensions and frustration in relationships, as important issues remain unaddressed and emotions unexpressed.
Withholding
Withholding includes holding back on privileges that would otherwise be normal as a way to punish another person.
For instance, a parent who usually makes breakfast for their child every day may not do this one day without giving a reason but suggest that the child make breakfast themselves that day.
Time, money, or any kind of behavior that is usually typical in a relationship can be withheld.
Indirect Refusal
Indirect refusal involves avoiding saying “no” directly while still failing to meet someone’s needs or requests.
This passive-aggressive tactic allows the person to avoid confrontation or the discomfort of refusing outright, while still not complying with the request.
Examples of indirect refusal include:
This behavior can lead to frustration and confusion for the person making the request, as they may be unsure whether the task was genuinely forgotten or intentionally ignored.
It also allows the person refusing to maintain a facade of cooperation while actually resisting demands.
Moody behavior
While occasional moodiness is normal, consistently using sullen or irritable behavior to communicate dissatisfaction without addressing the underlying issue is a form of passive-aggression.
This tactic allows the person to express negative emotions indirectly while avoiding clear communication about their feelings.
Examples of passive-aggressive moody behavior include:
This behavior often leaves others walking on eggshells, trying to guess what’s wrong.
It can create a tense atmosphere and hinder productive problem-solving in relationships.
Learned helplessness
In the context of passive-aggressive behavior,learned helplessnessrefers to feigning inability to perform tasks as a way of avoiding responsibilities or expressing resentment.
This tactic allows the individual to resist demands indirectly while maintaining an appearance of incompetence rather than defiance.
Examples of passive-aggressive learned helplessness include:
This behavior can be frustrating for others, as it’s often clear that the person is capable but choosing not to apply their skills.
It allows the passive-aggressive individual to avoid direct refusal while still resisting requests or expectations.
This passive-aggressive tactic allows the speaker to voice dissatisfaction while avoiding direct requests or confrontations, often inducing guilt or discomfort in others.
Examples:
Patronizing language
Using unnecessarily simple language or condescending tones to undermine someone’s intelligence or competence.
This passive-aggressive behavior allows the speaker to assert superiority while maintaining a facade of helpfulness.
Procrastination/not finishing tasks
Deliberately delaying or leaving tasks incomplete as a way to express anger or resistance.
This passive-aggressive behavior allows individuals to avoid direct confrontation while still showing their dissatisfaction or unwillingness to comply.
Lateness
Generally, being late is not passive-aggressive and may not always be purposeful, but lateness can be used as a weapon.
Someone can be intentionally late to punish someone else who annoyed them.
This passive-aggressive behavior allows individuals to inconvenience others or assert dominance without directly confronting issues.
Exclusion
Using exclusion and isolating others can also be used as a way to show annoyance or hurt indirectly.
Social exclusion can involve having a party and inviting everyone except the targeted person.
Professional exclusion can include leaving someone out of a meeting or out of the loop on a deadline change.
Making Excuses
Sometimes, passive-aggression can be manifested in creating excuses for not doing something rather than directly stating the frustrations they have.
For example, someone may regularly claim that they are sick, or have a headache, in a way that interferes with responsibilities because they do not want to fulfill them for an unspecified reason rather than stating the reason directly.
Ghosting
Suddenly cutting off communication without explanation, often used to avoid confrontation or express dissatisfaction indirectly.
This passive-aggressive behavior allows individuals to end relationships or express anger without having to face the other person’s reactions.
How Does Passive-Aggressive Behavior Feel?
Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior can evoke a range of uncomfortable emotions and reactions:
These feelings can accumulate over time, potentially impacting your self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being.
The indirect nature of passive-aggression often makes it challenging to address, which can compound these negative emotions and create a cycle of discomfort and unresolved conflict.
Why do people act passive-aggressive?
There are many reasons why someone may be passive-aggressive, including the following:
Early life experiences
Many people may be passive-aggressive due to their upbringing, especially their relationships with their parents.
They may have learned from a young age that their wants, needs, or preferences didn’t matter. If they tried to be honest with their parents, they might have been criticized, rejected, or put down.
Even as adults, the thought of trying to be direct with people may fill people with anxiety, so they have learned to get their needs met through passive-aggressive methods.
It may be that their parents were also very passive-aggressive, so the child then goes on to mirror these behaviors as they can come to believe that this is the only way to deal with their negative emotions.
Emotional dysregulation
For many reasons, someone may use passive-aggression as they struggle toregulate their emotions. This could be due to feeling stressed or having extreme nerves but also from having depression, anxiety, orattention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Situational reasons
Someone may not be passive-aggressive normally, but there could be situations where expressing anger directly does not seem appropriate or feels uncomfortable. Hence, they resort to indirect ways of showing aggression.
For instance, if you have a boss who is acting rudely during a work meeting, you may not feel confident enough to call out their behavior, or worry there will be repercussions for doing so. Thus, you may act out in passive-aggressive ways.
Confrontation is uncomfortable
Some people may not feel comfortable sticking up for themselves directly, so they resort to an easier option.
Being passive-aggressive allows them to avoid any confrontation that is uncomfortable while still expressing their emotions, albeit in an unproductive way.
Responding to Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Detecting andaddressing passive aggressioncan be challenging due to its indirect nature, but there are steps to reduce the behavior.
Assess the situation to identify potential causes and if not possible,respond to the passive-aggressive behaviorin a way that defuses rather than escalates the situation.
Further Information
Hopwood, C. J., Morey, L. C., Markowitz, J. C., Pinto, A., Skodol, A. E., Gunderson, J. G., … & Sanislow, C. A. (2009). The construct validity of passive-aggressive personality disorder. Psychiatry: Interpersonal and Biological Processes, 72(3), 256-267.
American Psychiatric Association, D. S., & American Psychiatric Association. (2013).Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5(Vol. 5). Washington, DC: American psychiatric association.Kantor, M. (2002).Passive-aggression: A Guide for the Therapist, the Patient, and the Victim. Greenwood Publishing Group.Menninger W. W. (2004). Contributions of Dr. William C. Menninger to military psychiatry.Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic, 68(4), 277–296.Millon, T. (1993). Negativistic (passive-aggressive) personality disorder.Journal of Personality Disorders, 7(1), 78-85.
American Psychiatric Association, D. S., & American Psychiatric Association. (2013).Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5(Vol. 5). Washington, DC: American psychiatric association.
Kantor, M. (2002).Passive-aggression: A Guide for the Therapist, the Patient, and the Victim. Greenwood Publishing Group.
Menninger W. W. (2004). Contributions of Dr. William C. Menninger to military psychiatry.Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic, 68(4), 277–296.
Millon, T. (1993). Negativistic (passive-aggressive) personality disorder.Journal of Personality Disorders, 7(1), 78-85.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
