10 Ways to Show a Friend Some Tough Love, According to Therapists

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhen It’s Time to Show Some Tough LoveWhen to Hold Back10 Tips to Have the ConversationWhat to Do If They Don’t Want to Hear ItKeep in Mind

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

When It’s Time to Show Some Tough Love

When to Hold Back

10 Tips to Have the Conversation

What to Do If They Don’t Want to Hear It

Keep in Mind

Close

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you know your friend is making a terrible mistake? It’s a difficult position to be in, but sometimes, the only way to help is to be honest with them, even if it hurts. If you have theirbest interests at heart, they’ll know it’s coming from a good place.

“You may have to show a friend tough love when you notice they are stuck in a toxic pattern or engaging in behavior that is harmful to themselves or others,” saysSabrina Romanoff,PsyD, a clinical psychologist.

Here are some ways to show a friend tough love with compassion and kindness, so you don’t damage the relationship.

At a GlanceSometimes being a good friend means telling it like it is—even when it’s not what someone wants to hear. Whether they’re stuck in a toxic relationship, unhappy situation, or harmful habit, showing tough love is all about being honest while still having their back.

At a Glance

Sometimes being a good friend means telling it like it is—even when it’s not what someone wants to hear. Whether they’re stuck in a toxic relationship, unhappy situation, or harmful habit, showing tough love is all about being honest while still having their back.

The Different Types of Social Support

Deciding when to show a friend tough love can be tricky, especially when you care deeply about them. These are some situations that may require you to intervene.

They’re Stuck in a Toxic Relationship Cycle

Imagine your friend is stuck in atoxiccycle where someone treats them poorly—it could be a romantic partner, family member, colleague, or friend. You’ve listened to them vent, you’ve offered support, but they keep returning to the same pattern. This is when tough love might be needed.

You could say something like, “I love you, but you deserve so much better, and I can’t watch you keep allowing yourself to get hurt like this.”

They’re Engaging in Self-Destructive Behavior

If your friend is engaging in harmful habits, tough love can be a way to intervene for their long-term well-being. These habits may include substance use, criminal activity, abuse,self-harm, gambling, and reckless spending, saysClaudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Tough love in these situations isn’t about punishing them but about helping them see the reality of their choices and encouraging them to seek help or make positive changes.

They’re Neglecting Their Health

Let’s say your friend has been ignoring their health—whether it’s refusing to see a doctor for a persistent issue or letting their mental health spiral without seeking help. If they’ve been brushing it off for too long, a firm nudge might be necessary.

Depending on the health condition they have, ignoring it could be harmful and your intervention could make a major different to the outcome.

You can say, “I care about you, but this isn’t healthy. You have to take care of yourself, and if you don’t, it could get worse.” It’s not about being mean, but showing them that their well-being matters to you.

They’re Unhappy but Unwilling to Change Anything

If your friend constantly complains about their job, living situation, relationships, or life in general but never makes an effort to change things, tough love can help them face reality.

Try saying something like, “I know you’re unhappy, but if you’re not going to look for another job or make a change, you’re going to stay stuck. You have the power to improve things, but it’s up to you.” This pushes them to stop making excuses and start taking action.

If you’re debating whether or not to intervene, these are some situations when it may be better to hold back:

Starting a tough love conversation can feel awkward, but there are ways to approach it gently. The experts suggest some strategies that may be helpful:

It’s important to let them know that you will be in their life unconditionally and the relationship will not change. You are showing them tough love out of respect and care, and not to hurt or criticize them.—SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD

It’s important to let them know that you will be in their life unconditionally and the relationship will not change. You are showing them tough love out of respect and care, and not to hurt or criticize them.

—SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD

If your friend doesn’t want to hear it, it’s important to stay calm and be patient. Here’s how you can handle the situation:

At the end of the day, showing a friend tough love isn’t about being harsh—it’s about caring enough to be honest, even when the truth is difficult. Whether you’re helping them see their blind spots or encouraging them to make better choices, tough love is just another form of support.

It’s not always easy, but sometimes being a real friend means speaking up when it counts. Having the conversation can be uncomfortable, so gather your courage andcompassion. You’ve got this!

10 Signs of a Toxic Friend (and How to Break Up With Them the Right Way)

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Taylor J, Ashford M, Collins D.Tough love: Impactful, caring coaching in psychologically unsafe environments.Sports (Basel). 2022 May 25;10(6):83. doi: 10.3390/sports10060083Colizzi M, Lasalvia A, Ruggeri M.Prevention and early intervention in youth mental health: Is it time for a multidisciplinary and trans-diagnostic model for care?Int J Ment Health Syst. 2020 Mar 24;14:23. doi:10.1186/s13033-020-00356-9

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Taylor J, Ashford M, Collins D.Tough love: Impactful, caring coaching in psychologically unsafe environments.Sports (Basel). 2022 May 25;10(6):83. doi: 10.3390/sports10060083Colizzi M, Lasalvia A, Ruggeri M.Prevention and early intervention in youth mental health: Is it time for a multidisciplinary and trans-diagnostic model for care?Int J Ment Health Syst. 2020 Mar 24;14:23. doi:10.1186/s13033-020-00356-9

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Taylor J, Ashford M, Collins D.Tough love: Impactful, caring coaching in psychologically unsafe environments.Sports (Basel). 2022 May 25;10(6):83. doi: 10.3390/sports10060083Colizzi M, Lasalvia A, Ruggeri M.Prevention and early intervention in youth mental health: Is it time for a multidisciplinary and trans-diagnostic model for care?Int J Ment Health Syst. 2020 Mar 24;14:23. doi:10.1186/s13033-020-00356-9

Taylor J, Ashford M, Collins D.Tough love: Impactful, caring coaching in psychologically unsafe environments.Sports (Basel). 2022 May 25;10(6):83. doi: 10.3390/sports10060083

Colizzi M, Lasalvia A, Ruggeri M.Prevention and early intervention in youth mental health: Is it time for a multidisciplinary and trans-diagnostic model for care?Int J Ment Health Syst. 2020 Mar 24;14:23. doi:10.1186/s13033-020-00356-9

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