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When was the last time you felt truly connected to your spouse? If it’s been a while, you’re not alone. Marriage doesn’t exactly come with an instruction manual. Every marital relationship is unique, and each one faces its own challenges. However, there are common signs suggesting that you are havingmarriage problems.
Although it may be tempting to ignore these issues and hope they go away on their own, it’s often more helpful to have an open, honest, and respectful talk with your spouse about your marriage trouble. It’s important that both you and your spouse feel heard, supported, and secure within the relationship.
At a GlanceEvery marriage has an ebb and flow. Feeling distant can be a sign of a rough patch, but what about some other common signs of trouble? Constant criticism, lack of intimacy, repetitious arguments, poor communication, avoidance, and lying indicate that your marriage might be headed in the wrong direction. By recognizing some common warning signs, you’ll be better prepared to take steps to fix the problem. If you’re concerned about your marriage, working on communication, setting boundaries, and attending therapy are a few strategies that can help.
At a Glance
Every marriage has an ebb and flow. Feeling distant can be a sign of a rough patch, but what about some other common signs of trouble? Constant criticism, lack of intimacy, repetitious arguments, poor communication, avoidance, and lying indicate that your marriage might be headed in the wrong direction. By recognizing some common warning signs, you’ll be better prepared to take steps to fix the problem. If you’re concerned about your marriage, working on communication, setting boundaries, and attending therapy are a few strategies that can help.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Divorce
Warning Signs of Marriage Problems
Every relationship will have its ups and downs, but there are some signs that you will want to look at closely to determine if they result from something not working well in your marriage. Ten common signs that your marriage may be in trouble include the following:
You’re Always Criticizing Each Other
Sure, a little constructive criticism can be a good thing. But you’ll want to be conscious of whether your criticism is actually helpful or if it’s negative or even hostile.
Research shows that hostile criticism is a strong predictor of marital dissatisfaction.Negative criticism can also be a sign that your marriage is headed for divorce, says Dr. John Gottman, a therapist with over 50 years of experience working with couples—especially when this criticism is offered at the beginning of a conflict discussion.
Gottman refers to criticism as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” a group of factors that can be lethal to a relationship and one of the top signs of divorce. The other three are contempt,defensiveness, andstonewalling.
Of course, expressing your feelings to your partner is healthy if something they didtriggers you. But what you say and how you say it matters.
Hostile CriticismI can’t believe you left your dirty laundry on the floor. You’re so messy and annoying.You hang out with your stupid friends more than you hang out with me. You’re so selfish.Constructive CriticismI feel stressed when I see your dirty laundry on the bedroom floor. Can you help me out?I feel unloved when we don’t make time for each other. Can we talk about changing that?
Hostile CriticismI can’t believe you left your dirty laundry on the floor. You’re so messy and annoying.You hang out with your stupid friends more than you hang out with me. You’re so selfish.
I can’t believe you left your dirty laundry on the floor. You’re so messy and annoying.
You hang out with your stupid friends more than you hang out with me. You’re so selfish.
Constructive CriticismI feel stressed when I see your dirty laundry on the bedroom floor. Can you help me out?I feel unloved when we don’t make time for each other. Can we talk about changing that?
I feel stressed when I see your dirty laundry on the bedroom floor. Can you help me out?
I feel unloved when we don’t make time for each other. Can we talk about changing that?
By putting the emphasis onhow you feel, you’re being constructive and staying open to fixing the issue together. Giving hostile criticism, on the other hand, may make it more likely that your partner will respond to you with hostility as well.
How Nitpicking Damages Your Marriage
Lack of Intimacy
If your relationship lacks the types ofintimacythat you find important, there could be emotional distance between you and your partner—particularly if you find that you don’twantto engage in intimate acts with them (or they with you).
Marriages thrive onhealthy expressions of intimacy—and that doesn’t always mean sex. Plenty of married couples don’t engage in sex regularly, and it’s not always a sign of an underlying problem. Health issues, life changes, and busy schedules can all contribute to a lack of sex.People whoidentify as asexualmay not have sex with their partners at all.
However, intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex. Holding hands, writing love notes, or even cooking together can all be acts of intimacy that simply send the message to your partner that you love them and want to spend time with them.
Research suggests that a lack of intimacy is one of the top problems for couples, causing distress and potentially even the collapse of the relationship.
Are You In a Sexless Marriage?
You Constantly Have the Same Argument
Arguments happen in every marriage, even healthy ones. In fact, research suggests that couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the rug.
Conflict Resolution Mistakes to Avoid
You Aren’t Communicating
It can be easy for married couples to fall into a habit of only discussing the children, finances, or work matters. But it’s important to feel like your partner listens to you and understands your point of view.
Withouthealthy communication, day-to-day frustrations and concerns can turn into bottled-up resentments. It can be much harder down the line to address pent-up feelings than to work through them while they’re happening.
You Don’t Enjoy Spending Time Together
Spending time alone is healthy, even when you’re married. However, if you find yourself avoiding spending time with your partner or even making up excuses not to be with them, there are likely deeper reasons you feel this way.
Ask yourself why you don’t want to spend time with your spouse. Do you argue whenever you spend too much time together? Have you grown apart?
Identifying the reasons you don’t want to be around them can help you uncover the deeper issues in your relationship.
You Are Keeping Secrets or Lying to Your Spouse
You have the right to keep some things private, for the sole reason that you want to. However, if you are keeping secrets from your spouse because you know the information would negatively affect them (for instance, if you went on a date with another person), then you may be in a struggling marriage.
If you’reconstantly lying to your spouse, investigate why you’re doing this. Are you unhappy in the relationship but afraid of how they’d respond if you told them? Do you not trust them with certain pieces of information?
Keeping secrets only plants seeds of distrust in a relationship. Once that trust is broken, it is hard to repair.
There Is a Lack of Trust
Maybe you suspect your spouse of lying or are always suspicious of their behavior. While you may be tempted to check their text messages or email, unfortunately, feeling the need to do so may indicate that there are already deeper relationship issues that need to be addressed.
A lack of trust often leads toemotional instabilitywithin the relationship—you and your partner may not feel safe around each other.
Why Trust Matters in Your Relationship and How to Build It
You’re Having an Affair
It’s perfectly normal to find someone other than your partner attractive, according to relationship experts. After all, entering a relationship doesn’t switch off your normal biological functioning.
However, if you constantly have sexual thoughts about another person and you take action on those thoughts, it signals a deeper issue with your current relationship.
It may be thatyou’re missing something from your spouse—like intimacy, affection, or attention—that you are hoping to get from someone else.
Some affairs are simply about sex, whereas others are about receiving emotional intimacy from someone else.While it might feel good in the moment to have another person meet your needs, it’s often a distraction from addressing issues within your marriage.
Are You Involved in an Emotional Affair?
You’re Emotionally Relying on Another Person
While it’s healthy to have emotional bonds outside of your relationship, it may be a sign of a struggling marriage if you are constantly venting about your partner to your child or your best friend, for instance—especially when you’re not addressing these issues with your partner in a setting where you both could actually work on them.
If you find you’redumping the negative emotionsabout your marriage onto someone else, it may be a sign that your marriage isn’t as strong as it could be.
While everyone complains from time to time, depending on someone else to fix your marriage for you won’t work. Instead, try spending this time working through the issues with your spouse.
There Is Abuse
No matter what,abuse is never okay—whether the abuse is physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual. It’s important to seek help right away if you are living in a home wheredomestic violencetakes place. If you can, try tocreate a safety planand get to a safe space, such as a friend’s or family member’s home.
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
Getting Help When You Have Marriage Trouble
In many cases, there are plenty of ways that you and your spouse can develop the skills needed to succeed in your marriage. Here are some things you can do to fix a struggling marriage.
Work on Communication
It may be helpful to set aside some time each day (or as often as you can throughout the week) to communicate with your spouse. Make sure this time is reserved for sharing feelings. Try not to dismiss what your spouse is saying, butreally listen to them. They should do the same for you.
Prioritizing listening and responding to each other’s concerns can help each person feel appreciated and valued within the relationship. It can also prevent minor issues from turning into bigger ones.
Set Boundaries
Healthy relationshipshave boundaries. While some people think that boundaries create more distance or separation, try to think of boundaries as creating clear expectations for your relationship.
An example of somehealthy relationship boundariesmight include:
The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Mental Health
Get Counseling or Therapy
Enlisting thehelp of a professionalcan be immensely helpful, especially if you and your spouse feel as if you’re running in circles, with the same issues arising.
Amarriage therapistor counselor can be an ally to your marriage.Rather than taking sides, they will help you and your partner gain perspective and develop the communication skills needed to change the patterns that keep you stuck.
With their help, you and your partner can identify and change unhealthy patterns andrediscover feelings of love.
On the other hand, a therapist can also help you realize if your marriage is out of alignment for you. Perhaps you and your spouse have grown apart, and one or both of you decide that they do not want to be in the marriage any longer.
Though this can be incredibly difficult, a therapist can help guide you through thenext stepswhile teaching you how to cope with this major life change as adaptively as possible.
How Couples Therapy Can Improve Your Relationship
Takeaways
Even happy marriages go through challenging times. If your marriage is struggling, know that there are resources available to you and your spouse if you are both willing to work on the relationship. Getting the support of a marriage therapist or counselor can help you work through challenging times or come to the conclusion to end the relationship.
What Is a Marriage and Family Therapist?
13 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Campbell SB, Renshaw KD, Klein SR.Sex differences in associations of hostile and non-hostile criticism with relationship quality.J Psychol. 2017;151(4):416-430. doi:10.1080/00223980.2017.1305324The Gottman Institute.The 6 things that predict divorce.Johns Hopkins Medicine.Keep the spark alive in your marriage.Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74Rauer A, Sabey AK, Proulx CM, Volling BL.What are the marital problems of happy couples? A multimethod, two-sample investigation.Family Process. 2020;59(3):1275-1292. doi:10.1111/famp.12483American Psychological Association.Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy.Jaffé ME, Douneva M.Secretive and close? How sharing secrets may impact perceptions of distance.PLoS One. 2020;15(6):e0233953. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0233953Arikewuyo AO, Eluwole KK, Özad B.Influence of lack of trust on romantic relationship problems: The mediating role of partner cell phone snooping.Psychol Rep. 2020;124(1):348-365. doi:10.1177/0033294119899902Mullinax M, Barnhart KJ, Mark K, Herbenick D.Women’s experiences with feelings and attractions for someone outside their primary relationship.J Sex Marital Ther. 2016;42(5):431-447. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2015.1061076Morrissey L, Wettersten KB, Brionez J.Qualitatively derived definitions of emotional infidelity among professional women in cross-gender relationships.Psychology of Women Quarterly.2018;43(1):73-87. doi:10.1177/0361684318806681Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301AlMahmoud T, Hashim MJ, Naeem N, Almahmoud R, Branicki F, Elzubeir M.Relationships and boundaries: Learning needs and preferences in clerkship medical environments.PLoS One. 2020;15(7):e0236145. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0236145Ahluwalia H, Anand T, Suman LN.Marital and family therapy.Indian J Psychiatry. 2018;60(Suppl 4):S501-S505. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_19_18
13 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Campbell SB, Renshaw KD, Klein SR.Sex differences in associations of hostile and non-hostile criticism with relationship quality.J Psychol. 2017;151(4):416-430. doi:10.1080/00223980.2017.1305324The Gottman Institute.The 6 things that predict divorce.Johns Hopkins Medicine.Keep the spark alive in your marriage.Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74Rauer A, Sabey AK, Proulx CM, Volling BL.What are the marital problems of happy couples? A multimethod, two-sample investigation.Family Process. 2020;59(3):1275-1292. doi:10.1111/famp.12483American Psychological Association.Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy.Jaffé ME, Douneva M.Secretive and close? How sharing secrets may impact perceptions of distance.PLoS One. 2020;15(6):e0233953. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0233953Arikewuyo AO, Eluwole KK, Özad B.Influence of lack of trust on romantic relationship problems: The mediating role of partner cell phone snooping.Psychol Rep. 2020;124(1):348-365. doi:10.1177/0033294119899902Mullinax M, Barnhart KJ, Mark K, Herbenick D.Women’s experiences with feelings and attractions for someone outside their primary relationship.J Sex Marital Ther. 2016;42(5):431-447. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2015.1061076Morrissey L, Wettersten KB, Brionez J.Qualitatively derived definitions of emotional infidelity among professional women in cross-gender relationships.Psychology of Women Quarterly.2018;43(1):73-87. doi:10.1177/0361684318806681Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301AlMahmoud T, Hashim MJ, Naeem N, Almahmoud R, Branicki F, Elzubeir M.Relationships and boundaries: Learning needs and preferences in clerkship medical environments.PLoS One. 2020;15(7):e0236145. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0236145Ahluwalia H, Anand T, Suman LN.Marital and family therapy.Indian J Psychiatry. 2018;60(Suppl 4):S501-S505. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_19_18
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Campbell SB, Renshaw KD, Klein SR.Sex differences in associations of hostile and non-hostile criticism with relationship quality.J Psychol. 2017;151(4):416-430. doi:10.1080/00223980.2017.1305324The Gottman Institute.The 6 things that predict divorce.Johns Hopkins Medicine.Keep the spark alive in your marriage.Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74Rauer A, Sabey AK, Proulx CM, Volling BL.What are the marital problems of happy couples? A multimethod, two-sample investigation.Family Process. 2020;59(3):1275-1292. doi:10.1111/famp.12483American Psychological Association.Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy.Jaffé ME, Douneva M.Secretive and close? How sharing secrets may impact perceptions of distance.PLoS One. 2020;15(6):e0233953. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0233953Arikewuyo AO, Eluwole KK, Özad B.Influence of lack of trust on romantic relationship problems: The mediating role of partner cell phone snooping.Psychol Rep. 2020;124(1):348-365. doi:10.1177/0033294119899902Mullinax M, Barnhart KJ, Mark K, Herbenick D.Women’s experiences with feelings and attractions for someone outside their primary relationship.J Sex Marital Ther. 2016;42(5):431-447. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2015.1061076Morrissey L, Wettersten KB, Brionez J.Qualitatively derived definitions of emotional infidelity among professional women in cross-gender relationships.Psychology of Women Quarterly.2018;43(1):73-87. doi:10.1177/0361684318806681Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301AlMahmoud T, Hashim MJ, Naeem N, Almahmoud R, Branicki F, Elzubeir M.Relationships and boundaries: Learning needs and preferences in clerkship medical environments.PLoS One. 2020;15(7):e0236145. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0236145Ahluwalia H, Anand T, Suman LN.Marital and family therapy.Indian J Psychiatry. 2018;60(Suppl 4):S501-S505. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_19_18
Campbell SB, Renshaw KD, Klein SR.Sex differences in associations of hostile and non-hostile criticism with relationship quality.J Psychol. 2017;151(4):416-430. doi:10.1080/00223980.2017.1305324
The Gottman Institute.The 6 things that predict divorce.
Johns Hopkins Medicine.Keep the spark alive in your marriage.
Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74
Rauer A, Sabey AK, Proulx CM, Volling BL.What are the marital problems of happy couples? A multimethod, two-sample investigation.Family Process. 2020;59(3):1275-1292. doi:10.1111/famp.12483
American Psychological Association.Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy.
Jaffé ME, Douneva M.Secretive and close? How sharing secrets may impact perceptions of distance.PLoS One. 2020;15(6):e0233953. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0233953
Arikewuyo AO, Eluwole KK, Özad B.Influence of lack of trust on romantic relationship problems: The mediating role of partner cell phone snooping.Psychol Rep. 2020;124(1):348-365. doi:10.1177/0033294119899902
Mullinax M, Barnhart KJ, Mark K, Herbenick D.Women’s experiences with feelings and attractions for someone outside their primary relationship.J Sex Marital Ther. 2016;42(5):431-447. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2015.1061076
Morrissey L, Wettersten KB, Brionez J.Qualitatively derived definitions of emotional infidelity among professional women in cross-gender relationships.Psychology of Women Quarterly.2018;43(1):73-87. doi:10.1177/0361684318806681
Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN.Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301
AlMahmoud T, Hashim MJ, Naeem N, Almahmoud R, Branicki F, Elzubeir M.Relationships and boundaries: Learning needs and preferences in clerkship medical environments.PLoS One. 2020;15(7):e0236145. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0236145
Ahluwalia H, Anand T, Suman LN.Marital and family therapy.Indian J Psychiatry. 2018;60(Suppl 4):S501-S505. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_19_18
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