10 Signs of Deception in a Relationship

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Deception involveslying, distorting facts, making up stories, hiding the truth, or misleading someone in some way.It can be harmful to relationships because it violates trust.

The mildest form of deception is awhite lie. For example, we might tell our partner that their joke was super funny or that their new haircut doesn’t totally suck. We all do it from time to time.

These little white lies are usually harmless, but a pattern of subtle lying can be a dangerous path to go down.When the white lies go past the harmless “trying to protect your feelings” variety, they enter deceptive territory. Deception can also involve more serious offenses, like cheating or gaslighting.

If you think your partner’s acting a little sketchy, you might wonder whether they’re deceiving you in some way and what you should do about it.

In this article, we explore what deception could look like in relationships, why people do it, and how it can harm relationships. We also ask a relationship expert for some tips on how to rebuild trust in relationships.

At a GlanceDeception can take many forms in relationships, from pretending we’re at work instead of a poker game to hiding our smoking habit from our partner. We may deceive our partners because we’re trying to avoid a fight, vying for their approval, hiding our insecurities, or protecting them from something.However, deception can be harmful to relationships because it undercuts trust. Inconsistent stories, unusual behaviors, evasivebody language, and defensive reactions are some of the signs of deception. If you think your partner’s been acting kind of shady, or if you discover that they’ve been deceiving you, having an honest discussion with them about it and setting boundaries together might help.

At a Glance

Deception can take many forms in relationships, from pretending we’re at work instead of a poker game to hiding our smoking habit from our partner. We may deceive our partners because we’re trying to avoid a fight, vying for their approval, hiding our insecurities, or protecting them from something.However, deception can be harmful to relationships because it undercuts trust. Inconsistent stories, unusual behaviors, evasivebody language, and defensive reactions are some of the signs of deception. If you think your partner’s been acting kind of shady, or if you discover that they’ve been deceiving you, having an honest discussion with them about it and setting boundaries together might help.

Deception can take many forms in relationships, from pretending we’re at work instead of a poker game to hiding our smoking habit from our partner. We may deceive our partners because we’re trying to avoid a fight, vying for their approval, hiding our insecurities, or protecting them from something.

However, deception can be harmful to relationships because it undercuts trust. Inconsistent stories, unusual behaviors, evasivebody language, and defensive reactions are some of the signs of deception. If you think your partner’s been acting kind of shady, or if you discover that they’ve been deceiving you, having an honest discussion with them about it and setting boundaries together might help.

Examples of Deception in a Relationship

These are some examples of deception in relationships:

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Deception vs. Lying

While deception and lying are very similar, they’re not exactly the same thing.

Lyingrefers specifically to the act of making a false statement. Deception, on the other hand, is a much broader term that encompasses any act or strategy intended to mislead or create a false impression. It can involve actions, words, or omissions. Lying is essentially a smaller subset of deceptive behavior.

LyingInvolves making false statementsRefers specifically to false or dishonest words that are written or spoken with the intent to deceiveIs one form of deception, among many othersDeceptionInvolves misleading someoneIncludes words, actions, omissions, or schemes designed to give a false impressionEncompasses many behaviors, including cheating, withholding information, gaslighting, or fabricating stories

LyingInvolves making false statementsRefers specifically to false or dishonest words that are written or spoken with the intent to deceiveIs one form of deception, among many others

Involves making false statements

Refers specifically to false or dishonest words that are written or spoken with the intent to deceive

Is one form of deception, among many others

DeceptionInvolves misleading someoneIncludes words, actions, omissions, or schemes designed to give a false impressionEncompasses many behaviors, including cheating, withholding information, gaslighting, or fabricating stories

Involves misleading someone

Includes words, actions, omissions, or schemes designed to give a false impression

Encompasses many behaviors, including cheating, withholding information, gaslighting, or fabricating stories

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Is Omitting Information a Form of Deception?

Omitting information can definitely be a form of deception.

For example, we may neglect to tell our partner important information about ourselves, like the fact that we’ve been engaged or married before. We may worry about how it would affect their view of us. However, when they find out, they’ll probably be upset and hurt that they weren’t trusted with that information.

Or, we may go to a party where we bump into our ex. We may choose to leave out that information when we tell our partner about the party, to avoid upsetting them. However, if they ever find out, they’ll probably be more mad that they weren’t told about it.

Or, we may be experiencingfinancial difficultiesand avoid telling our partner about it because we don’t want to stress them out. However, financial transparency is important in relationships, so that partners can support each other and find solutions together.

Why Do People Deceive Their Partners?

We may not set out to mislead our partners, but we may end up deceiving them as we navigate the messy terrain of relationships.

While each situation is unique, some common reasons for deception in relationships include:

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How Deception Harms Relationships

We tappedSabrina Romanoff,PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, to help us understand how deception can harm relationships.

Deception harms a relationship because it erodes trust on both sides.—SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD

Deception harms a relationship because it erodes trust on both sides.

—SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD

Dr. Romanoff explains that the person being deceived may struggle to fully trust their partner and believe that their words, actions and behaviors are genuine. “The deceiver may struggle to trust that their partner wants to be with the real them and fear losing them–although this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as they deceive their partners and end up losing them as a result.”

Trust,honesty, and authenticity are the founding pillars of relationships. The relationship probably won’t last long if we can’t trust our partners and show them our vulnerabilities—or if we can’t trust that they are being their genuine, authentic selves with us.

How to Tell If My Partner Is Deceiving Me

These are 10 signs that your partner might be deceiving you:

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What to Do If You Learn That Your Partner Has Deceived You

Learning that your partner has deceived you can be a tough pill to swallow, but how you navigate the aftermath can shape the future of your relationship.

These are some strategies that may be helpful:

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Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship

If you and your partner are working on your relationship, it’s important to rebuild the trust that was broken, in order to move forward.

These are some strategies that can help you rebuild the trust in your relationship:

Frequently Asked Questions

Frequently Asked QuestionsWhile deceiving your partner is not ideal, it may be acceptable in some circumstances, such as:Planning a surprise for themShielding them from worry or harmBeing unable to share something with them for legal reasonsChoosing not to share certain personal thoughts or experiences with them to maintain your privacyDeciding whether or not to break up with a partner who has deceived you is a deeply personal choice and depends on various factors, such as the severity of the deception and their reasons for deceiving you. You should also consider your personal boundaries regarding what is acceptable as well as your feelings for them and your confidence that they will not violate your trust again.

While deceiving your partner is not ideal, it may be acceptable in some circumstances, such as:Planning a surprise for themShielding them from worry or harmBeing unable to share something with them for legal reasonsChoosing not to share certain personal thoughts or experiences with them to maintain your privacy

While deceiving your partner is not ideal, it may be acceptable in some circumstances, such as:

Deciding whether or not to break up with a partner who has deceived you is a deeply personal choice and depends on various factors, such as the severity of the deception and their reasons for deceiving you. You should also consider your personal boundaries regarding what is acceptable as well as your feelings for them and your confidence that they will not violate your trust again.

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6 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dictionary.com.Deception.Warneken F, Orlins E.Children tell white lies to make others feel better.Br J Dev Psychol. 2015;33(3):259-270. doi:10.1111/bjdp.12083Verigin BL, Meijer EH, Bogaard G, Vrij A.Lie prevalence, lie characteristics, and strategies of self-reported good liars.PLoS One. 2019;14(12):e0225566. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0225566Dew JP, Saxey MT, Mettmann A.Money lies and extramarital ties: Predicting separate and joint occurrences of financial deception and extramarital infidelity.Front Psychol. 2022;13:1038169. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1038169Reid CA, Shoemaker HL, Wallace DM.Do relationship- and self-oriented deceptions impact the effect of attitude alignment on attraction?J Psychol. 2021;155(5):505-521. doi:10.1080/00223980.2021.1918046Rokach A, Chan SH.Love and infidelity: Causes and consequences.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023;20(5):3904. doi:10.3390/ijerph20053904

6 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dictionary.com.Deception.Warneken F, Orlins E.Children tell white lies to make others feel better.Br J Dev Psychol. 2015;33(3):259-270. doi:10.1111/bjdp.12083Verigin BL, Meijer EH, Bogaard G, Vrij A.Lie prevalence, lie characteristics, and strategies of self-reported good liars.PLoS One. 2019;14(12):e0225566. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0225566Dew JP, Saxey MT, Mettmann A.Money lies and extramarital ties: Predicting separate and joint occurrences of financial deception and extramarital infidelity.Front Psychol. 2022;13:1038169. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1038169Reid CA, Shoemaker HL, Wallace DM.Do relationship- and self-oriented deceptions impact the effect of attitude alignment on attraction?J Psychol. 2021;155(5):505-521. doi:10.1080/00223980.2021.1918046Rokach A, Chan SH.Love and infidelity: Causes and consequences.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023;20(5):3904. doi:10.3390/ijerph20053904

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Dictionary.com.Deception.Warneken F, Orlins E.Children tell white lies to make others feel better.Br J Dev Psychol. 2015;33(3):259-270. doi:10.1111/bjdp.12083Verigin BL, Meijer EH, Bogaard G, Vrij A.Lie prevalence, lie characteristics, and strategies of self-reported good liars.PLoS One. 2019;14(12):e0225566. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0225566Dew JP, Saxey MT, Mettmann A.Money lies and extramarital ties: Predicting separate and joint occurrences of financial deception and extramarital infidelity.Front Psychol. 2022;13:1038169. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1038169Reid CA, Shoemaker HL, Wallace DM.Do relationship- and self-oriented deceptions impact the effect of attitude alignment on attraction?J Psychol. 2021;155(5):505-521. doi:10.1080/00223980.2021.1918046Rokach A, Chan SH.Love and infidelity: Causes and consequences.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023;20(5):3904. doi:10.3390/ijerph20053904

Dictionary.com.Deception.

Warneken F, Orlins E.Children tell white lies to make others feel better.Br J Dev Psychol. 2015;33(3):259-270. doi:10.1111/bjdp.12083

Verigin BL, Meijer EH, Bogaard G, Vrij A.Lie prevalence, lie characteristics, and strategies of self-reported good liars.PLoS One. 2019;14(12):e0225566. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0225566

Dew JP, Saxey MT, Mettmann A.Money lies and extramarital ties: Predicting separate and joint occurrences of financial deception and extramarital infidelity.Front Psychol. 2022;13:1038169. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1038169

Reid CA, Shoemaker HL, Wallace DM.Do relationship- and self-oriented deceptions impact the effect of attitude alignment on attraction?J Psychol. 2021;155(5):505-521. doi:10.1080/00223980.2021.1918046

Rokach A, Chan SH.Love and infidelity: Causes and consequences.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023;20(5):3904. doi:10.3390/ijerph20053904

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