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Whether you were denied a promotion at the office or you didn’t qualify for a marathon, failing feels bad. Many people will go to great lengths to avoid failing so they don’t have to feel painful emotions.There are many reasons why you might be feeling like a failure. Some factors that might play a role include:A sense ofhopelessnessAnxiety andfearDepressionFeelings ofhelplessnessLack ofsupportive relationshipsLowself-esteemMaking comparisons with othersPoorself-conceptNegative self-talkShameUnrealistic expectationsIf you find yourself thinking, “I am a failure,” it’s important to know that there are things you can do to feel better. Knowing how to deal with failure in a healthy way takes some of the fear out of it—and it might reduce the pain so you can bounce back better than before.First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that everybody fails at one time or another, but that doesn’t make us failures—it just means we are human, and that things didn’t work outthistime.
Whether you were denied a promotion at the office or you didn’t qualify for a marathon, failing feels bad. Many people will go to great lengths to avoid failing so they don’t have to feel painful emotions.
There are many reasons why you might be feeling like a failure. Some factors that might play a role include:
If you find yourself thinking, “I am a failure,” it’s important to know that there are things you can do to feel better. Knowing how to deal with failure in a healthy way takes some of the fear out of it—and it might reduce the pain so you can bounce back better than before.
First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that everybody fails at one time or another, but that doesn’t make us failures—it just means we are human, and that things didn’t work outthistime.
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Embrace Your Emotions
A 2017 study published in theJournal of Behavioral Decision Makingsays you shouldn’t try to slough off feeling bad after failure. Researchers discovered that thinking about your emotions—rather than the failure itself—is most helpful.
Allowing yourself to feel bad is motivating. Our feelings are there for a reason. It can help you work harder to find better solutions so that you’ll improve next time.
So, go ahead and embrace your emotions. Acknowledge how you’re feeling and let yourself feel bad for a bit. Label your emotions as you allow yourself to experience them. For example, you might think, “I’m disappointed,” or “I’m sad that didn’t work out.”
2Recognize Unhealthy Attempts to Reduce PainYou might be tempted to say, “I didn’t actually want that job anyway,” but minimizing your pain won’t make it go away. Distracting yourself or filling the void you feel withfood,drugs,alcohol, or promiscuous sex won’t heal your pain either. Those things will only provide you with some temporary relief.Recognize the unhealthy ways you try to avoid or minimize pain in your life. Turning to coping mechanisms that do more harm than good will only worsen your situation.Avoidance Coping and Why It Creates Additional Stress
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Recognize Unhealthy Attempts to Reduce PainYou might be tempted to say, “I didn’t actually want that job anyway,” but minimizing your pain won’t make it go away. Distracting yourself or filling the void you feel withfood,drugs,alcohol, or promiscuous sex won’t heal your pain either. Those things will only provide you with some temporary relief.Recognize the unhealthy ways you try to avoid or minimize pain in your life. Turning to coping mechanisms that do more harm than good will only worsen your situation.Avoidance Coping and Why It Creates Additional Stress
Recognize Unhealthy Attempts to Reduce Pain
You might be tempted to say, “I didn’t actually want that job anyway,” but minimizing your pain won’t make it go away. Distracting yourself or filling the void you feel withfood,drugs,alcohol, or promiscuous sex won’t heal your pain either. Those things will only provide you with some temporary relief.
Recognize the unhealthy ways you try to avoid or minimize pain in your life. Turning to coping mechanisms that do more harm than good will only worsen your situation.
Avoidance Coping and Why It Creates Additional Stress
3Practice Healthy Coping SkillsCalling a friend, practicing deep breathing, taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, or playing with your pet are just a few examples of healthy ways to deal with your pain. Not every coping skill works for everyone, however, so it’s important to find what does for you.If you struggle with bad habits when you’re stressed out—like smoking or eating junk food—create a list ofhealthy coping skillsand hang it in a prominent place. Then, use your list to remind yourself of the healthier strategies you can turn to when you’re feeling bad.
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Practice Healthy Coping SkillsCalling a friend, practicing deep breathing, taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, or playing with your pet are just a few examples of healthy ways to deal with your pain. Not every coping skill works for everyone, however, so it’s important to find what does for you.If you struggle with bad habits when you’re stressed out—like smoking or eating junk food—create a list ofhealthy coping skillsand hang it in a prominent place. Then, use your list to remind yourself of the healthier strategies you can turn to when you’re feeling bad.
Practice Healthy Coping Skills
Calling a friend, practicing deep breathing, taking a bubble bath, going for a walk, or playing with your pet are just a few examples of healthy ways to deal with your pain. Not every coping skill works for everyone, however, so it’s important to find what does for you.
If you struggle with bad habits when you’re stressed out—like smoking or eating junk food—create a list ofhealthy coping skillsand hang it in a prominent place. Then, use your list to remind yourself of the healthier strategies you can turn to when you’re feeling bad.
4Acknowledge Irrational Beliefs About FailureYou may have developed someirrational beliefsabout failure at some point in your life. Perhaps you think failure means you’re bad, flawed, stupid, or that you’ll never succeed. Or maybe you think no one will like you if you fail.Those types of beliefs are inaccurate, and they can prevent you from doing things where you might succeed. Remember, your failures are a part of your overall story of success that entails all the hills and valleys.Make a point to identify the irrational beliefs that might be impacting your feelings and behavior and preventing your from moving forward.
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Acknowledge Irrational Beliefs About FailureYou may have developed someirrational beliefsabout failure at some point in your life. Perhaps you think failure means you’re bad, flawed, stupid, or that you’ll never succeed. Or maybe you think no one will like you if you fail.Those types of beliefs are inaccurate, and they can prevent you from doing things where you might succeed. Remember, your failures are a part of your overall story of success that entails all the hills and valleys.Make a point to identify the irrational beliefs that might be impacting your feelings and behavior and preventing your from moving forward.
Acknowledge Irrational Beliefs About Failure
You may have developed someirrational beliefsabout failure at some point in your life. Perhaps you think failure means you’re bad, flawed, stupid, or that you’ll never succeed. Or maybe you think no one will like you if you fail.
Those types of beliefs are inaccurate, and they can prevent you from doing things where you might succeed. Remember, your failures are a part of your overall story of success that entails all the hills and valleys.
Make a point to identify the irrational beliefs that might be impacting your feelings and behavior and preventing your from moving forward.
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Develop Realistic Thoughts About Failure
When you find yourself thinking that you’re a hopeless cause or that there’s no use in trying again,reframe your thoughts. Remind yourself of more realistic thoughts about failure such as:
You may need to repeat a phrase or affirmation to ward off negative thoughts or to reinforce to yourself that you can bounce back.
6Accept an Appropriate Level of ResponsibilityIt’s important to accept an accurate level of responsibility for your failure. You may be the type to blame yourself for everything, even when it is not your fault. You believe you should have planned better, done more, given more, etc. You have a ‘martyr’ personality, with standards no one can live up to.On the other hand, blaming other people or circumstances for your failure will prevent you from learning from these disappointing experiences as well, if you had even a small role to play.Look at the situation from all angles to find where you could have realistically made better choices, and take that into your future.When you think about your failure, look for explanations, not excuses. Identify the reasons you failed and acknowledge what you can do differently next time.Intrinsic Motivation vs. Extrinsic Motivation: What’s the Difference?
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Accept an Appropriate Level of ResponsibilityIt’s important to accept an accurate level of responsibility for your failure. You may be the type to blame yourself for everything, even when it is not your fault. You believe you should have planned better, done more, given more, etc. You have a ‘martyr’ personality, with standards no one can live up to.On the other hand, blaming other people or circumstances for your failure will prevent you from learning from these disappointing experiences as well, if you had even a small role to play.Look at the situation from all angles to find where you could have realistically made better choices, and take that into your future.When you think about your failure, look for explanations, not excuses. Identify the reasons you failed and acknowledge what you can do differently next time.Intrinsic Motivation vs. Extrinsic Motivation: What’s the Difference?
Accept an Appropriate Level of Responsibility
It’s important to accept an accurate level of responsibility for your failure. You may be the type to blame yourself for everything, even when it is not your fault. You believe you should have planned better, done more, given more, etc. You have a ‘martyr’ personality, with standards no one can live up to.
On the other hand, blaming other people or circumstances for your failure will prevent you from learning from these disappointing experiences as well, if you had even a small role to play.
Look at the situation from all angles to find where you could have realistically made better choices, and take that into your future.
When you think about your failure, look for explanations, not excuses. Identify the reasons you failed and acknowledge what you can do differently next time.
Intrinsic Motivation vs. Extrinsic Motivation: What’s the Difference?
7Research Famous FailuresFrom Thomas Edison to Walt Disney, there’s no shortage of famous failures. Spend some time researching famous people who have failed. You’ll likely find that they did so many times along the way.Many successful people continue to fail regularly. Actors get rejected for roles, athletes get cut from the team, and business owners get turned down for deals.Study what they did to bounce back. You might learn skills that can help you in your own life. It can be helpful to see that failure is something that everyone deals with.Thomas Alva EdisonI have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
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Research Famous FailuresFrom Thomas Edison to Walt Disney, there’s no shortage of famous failures. Spend some time researching famous people who have failed. You’ll likely find that they did so many times along the way.Many successful people continue to fail regularly. Actors get rejected for roles, athletes get cut from the team, and business owners get turned down for deals.Study what they did to bounce back. You might learn skills that can help you in your own life. It can be helpful to see that failure is something that everyone deals with.Thomas Alva EdisonI have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Research Famous Failures
From Thomas Edison to Walt Disney, there’s no shortage of famous failures. Spend some time researching famous people who have failed. You’ll likely find that they did so many times along the way.
Many successful people continue to fail regularly. Actors get rejected for roles, athletes get cut from the team, and business owners get turned down for deals.
Study what they did to bounce back. You might learn skills that can help you in your own life. It can be helpful to see that failure is something that everyone deals with.
Thomas Alva EdisonI have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas Alva Edison
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
8Ask Yourself What You Can LearnFailure can be a great teacher if you’re open to learning. Did you make a mistake? Did you make a whole series of mistakes?Think about what you could do differently next time. Then, you will ensure your failure has become a life lesson that helped you learn something.Instead of seeing a failure as a burden weighing you down, look at it as a stepping stone toward your goals.Yoda, Star WarsThe greatest teacher, failure is.
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Ask Yourself What You Can LearnFailure can be a great teacher if you’re open to learning. Did you make a mistake? Did you make a whole series of mistakes?Think about what you could do differently next time. Then, you will ensure your failure has become a life lesson that helped you learn something.Instead of seeing a failure as a burden weighing you down, look at it as a stepping stone toward your goals.Yoda, Star WarsThe greatest teacher, failure is.
Ask Yourself What You Can Learn
Failure can be a great teacher if you’re open to learning. Did you make a mistake? Did you make a whole series of mistakes?
Think about what you could do differently next time. Then, you will ensure your failure has become a life lesson that helped you learn something.
Instead of seeing a failure as a burden weighing you down, look at it as a stepping stone toward your goals.
Yoda, Star WarsThe greatest teacher, failure is.
Yoda, Star Wars
The greatest teacher, failure is.
9Create a Plan for Moving ForwardOnce you’ve identified your mistakes and where you can learn from them, you’ll be ready to make a plan for moving forward. Remember thatdwelling on your problemsor rehashing your mistakes will keep you stuck. Stop thinking, “I am a failure,” and focus on thinking, “I am capable of trying again.“With what you’ve learned, think about what you’ll do differently next time.Create a planthat will help you put the information you gained into practice. Do you need to take some classes to improve some skills? Do you need to look for a different job? Do you need to find some new hobbies? Or friends?Maybe you would like some assistance from a life coach or a counselor. There are many options for people to come alongside you and help you achieve your goals.How a Life Coach Can Help You
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Create a Plan for Moving ForwardOnce you’ve identified your mistakes and where you can learn from them, you’ll be ready to make a plan for moving forward. Remember thatdwelling on your problemsor rehashing your mistakes will keep you stuck. Stop thinking, “I am a failure,” and focus on thinking, “I am capable of trying again.“With what you’ve learned, think about what you’ll do differently next time.Create a planthat will help you put the information you gained into practice. Do you need to take some classes to improve some skills? Do you need to look for a different job? Do you need to find some new hobbies? Or friends?Maybe you would like some assistance from a life coach or a counselor. There are many options for people to come alongside you and help you achieve your goals.How a Life Coach Can Help You
Create a Plan for Moving Forward
Once you’ve identified your mistakes and where you can learn from them, you’ll be ready to make a plan for moving forward. Remember thatdwelling on your problemsor rehashing your mistakes will keep you stuck. Stop thinking, “I am a failure,” and focus on thinking, “I am capable of trying again.”
With what you’ve learned, think about what you’ll do differently next time.Create a planthat will help you put the information you gained into practice. Do you need to take some classes to improve some skills? Do you need to look for a different job? Do you need to find some new hobbies? Or friends?
Maybe you would like some assistance from a life coach or a counselor. There are many options for people to come alongside you and help you achieve your goals.
How a Life Coach Can Help You
10Face Your Fears of FailureIf you’ve spent most of your life avoiding failure, it can feel really scary when it finally happens. Facing your fears, however, can be the key to reducing the discomfort.Practice steppingoutside your comfort zone. Do things that might get you rejected or try new things where you could fail. Over time, you’ll learn that failure isn’t as bad as you might imagine. It will help you learn to face your fear of failure in a way that can be productive and help you reach your goals.Final ThoughtsSometimes, failure becomes debilitating. If you’re struggling to function after you’ve failed at something, consider seeking professional help. Whether you’ve experienced a failed marriage or you’ve failed in business, talking to a mental health professional can assist you in bouncing back.The Best Online Therapy ProgramsWe’ve tried, tested and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain.
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Face Your Fears of FailureIf you’ve spent most of your life avoiding failure, it can feel really scary when it finally happens. Facing your fears, however, can be the key to reducing the discomfort.Practice steppingoutside your comfort zone. Do things that might get you rejected or try new things where you could fail. Over time, you’ll learn that failure isn’t as bad as you might imagine. It will help you learn to face your fear of failure in a way that can be productive and help you reach your goals.Final ThoughtsSometimes, failure becomes debilitating. If you’re struggling to function after you’ve failed at something, consider seeking professional help. Whether you’ve experienced a failed marriage or you’ve failed in business, talking to a mental health professional can assist you in bouncing back.The Best Online Therapy ProgramsWe’ve tried, tested and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain.
Face Your Fears of Failure
If you’ve spent most of your life avoiding failure, it can feel really scary when it finally happens. Facing your fears, however, can be the key to reducing the discomfort.
Practice steppingoutside your comfort zone. Do things that might get you rejected or try new things where you could fail. Over time, you’ll learn that failure isn’t as bad as you might imagine. It will help you learn to face your fear of failure in a way that can be productive and help you reach your goals.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes, failure becomes debilitating. If you’re struggling to function after you’ve failed at something, consider seeking professional help. Whether you’ve experienced a failed marriage or you’ve failed in business, talking to a mental health professional can assist you in bouncing back.
The Best Online Therapy ProgramsWe’ve tried, tested and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain.
2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Nelson N, Malkoc S, Shiv B.Emotions know best: The advantage of emotional versus cognitive responses to failure.J Behav Decis Mak. 2017;31(1):40-51. doi:10.1002/bdm.2042Johnson J, Panagioti M, Bass J, Ramsey L, Harrison R.Resilience to emotional distress in response to failure, error or mistakes: A systematic review.Clinical Psychology Review. 2017;52:19-42. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2016.11.007
2 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Nelson N, Malkoc S, Shiv B.Emotions know best: The advantage of emotional versus cognitive responses to failure.J Behav Decis Mak. 2017;31(1):40-51. doi:10.1002/bdm.2042Johnson J, Panagioti M, Bass J, Ramsey L, Harrison R.Resilience to emotional distress in response to failure, error or mistakes: A systematic review.Clinical Psychology Review. 2017;52:19-42. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2016.11.007
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Nelson N, Malkoc S, Shiv B.Emotions know best: The advantage of emotional versus cognitive responses to failure.J Behav Decis Mak. 2017;31(1):40-51. doi:10.1002/bdm.2042Johnson J, Panagioti M, Bass J, Ramsey L, Harrison R.Resilience to emotional distress in response to failure, error or mistakes: A systematic review.Clinical Psychology Review. 2017;52:19-42. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2016.11.007
Nelson N, Malkoc S, Shiv B.Emotions know best: The advantage of emotional versus cognitive responses to failure.J Behav Decis Mak. 2017;31(1):40-51. doi:10.1002/bdm.2042
Johnson J, Panagioti M, Bass J, Ramsey L, Harrison R.Resilience to emotional distress in response to failure, error or mistakes: A systematic review.Clinical Psychology Review. 2017;52:19-42. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2016.11.007
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