10 ADD Behaviors That Could Hurt a Marriage

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Some adults are diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) only after their child is diagnosed. In these cases, the child’s diagnosis may cause light bulbs to go off in their spouse’s head as behaviors that are hurting their marriage are recognized assymptoms of an attention deficit disorderversus a lack of caring or motivation.

Recognizing the symptoms of this mental health condition that can be harmful to a marriage is the first step. We share several here to help increase understanding and awareness, also providing some helpful resources and next steps for creating ahealthy relationshipwith a spouse with ADD.

Are ADD and ADHD the Same Thing?

Problematic Behaviors of a Spouse With ADD

Some typical behaviors of a person with an attention-deficit disorder can have a detrimental impact on a marriage, including the following.

A spouse with ADD may seem disorganized and inattentive to household chores and maintenance. However, failing to follow through on chores is often secondary to inattentiveness as opposed to being due to ill will or a conscious attempt to avoidsharing in household labor.

Interruptions

ADHD Symptom Spotlight: Interrupting

Distractedness

Another potentially problematic behavior of a spouse with ADD is that they can be easily distracted or have alack of focus. This can make it difficult for them to stay on task or to fully concentrate on important conversations, which can be frustrating to a partner who wants or needs their full attention.

Nagging

Nagging isn’t so much a symptom of an attention deficit disorder but more so a common response to living with a spouse with this condition.That said, it can be equally as damaging to the marriage as the partner without ADD may feel like they must constantly push their spouse to get things done, which can feel tiring.

The nagging partner may dislike themselves for constantly asking for a task to be completed, but also not know what else to do to get their disorganized spouse to finish something, put something away, or keep promises, etc.

How Not to Speak to Someone With ADHD

Financial Issues

Living with a spouse with an attention disorder may lead to afinancially precarious situation. This is because people with these conditions often face deficits in both earning and saving money.They may overspend, forget to pay bills, have difficulty keeping a job, or have trouble talking about their money issues.

How Your Money Affects Your Mental Health

Taking a Parental Role

Having a spouse with ADD can also make us feel more like a parent than an equal partner. We may find ourselves constantly reminding our forgetful spouse about taking medications, meeting appointments, remembering birthdays, completing projects, etc.

Sexual Issues

It’s also possible that thesexual relationshipin the marriage is less than either partner would like it to be. Research indicates that, when compared with the general population, people with ADHD tend to have lower levels of sexual satisfaction and more sexual dysfunction—despite having more sexual desire.

One study found thatrisky sexual behavioris a common pattern in individuals with ADHD.

Difficulty Making Decisions

Making decisions with a spouse with ADD can sometimes feel impossible. ADHD is associated with deficits with this cognitive function.This makes it harder for these individuals to go through thedecision-making process.

How to Have Difficult Talks About Your Marriage

Being Ignored

In some cases, the spouse may retreat into a computer game or other project. This can leave their partner feeling ignored or like their marriage is in a rut. But the spouse with ADD may not see the marriage in the same way as they are simply engrossed in their activity.

Uneasiness

Studies have found that the existence of ADHD symptoms in children predicted the development of argumentative behavior in adults.This can leave their partners feeling that walking on eggshells is the only way to keep the peace, leading to uneasiness in the marriage relationship.

While these are not all the actions and behaviors associated with ADD or ADHD that can hurt a marriage, they are common examples to consider.

Impact of a Spouse With ADD or ADHD

The presence ofADHD in a marriagecan lead to unhealthy responses, along with feelings of being overwhelmed and resentful.If the spouse with ADD or ADHD is in denial or uses the diagnosis as an excuse for continuing harmful behaviors, it can drive their partner to their wits' end.

Adults with attention disorders can struggle at home, where their tendency to become distracted becomes a constant source of conflict. Some research suggests that these adults tend to have “short-lived and discordant romantic relationships.“Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way as help is available.

Getting Help for ADD or ADHD in Marriage

Atherapist who specializes in ADHDunderstands common challenges for individuals with this condition, as well as ways to work around them. They can help both the spouse with ADD and the spouse without ADD work together in a way that contributes to a stronger marriage.

It can also be helpful to learn more about this topic. Here are some books that discuss ADHD within the context of a married relationship:

Coping With ADHD in Romantic Relationships

10 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Albrecht B, Uebel-von Sandersleben H, Wiedmann K, Rothenberger A.ADHD history of the concept: the case of the continuous performance test.Curr Develop Disord Rep. 2015;2:10-22. doi:10.1007/s40474-014-0035-1Bouchard G, Saint-Aubin J.Attention deficits and divorce.Can J Psychiatry. 2014;59(9):480-6. doi:10.1177/070674371405900904Taubin DZ, Maeir A.“I wish it wasn’t all on me”: women’s experiences living with a partner with ADHD.Disabil Rehab. 2023:1-9. doi:10.1080/09638288.2023.2239158Pelham WE III, Page TF, Altszuler AR, Gnagy EM, Molina BSG, Pelham WE Jr.The long-term financial outcome of children diagnosed with ADHD.J Consult Clin Psychol. 2020;88(2):160-171. doi:10.1037/ccp0000461Soldati L, Bianchi-Demicheli F, Schockaert P, et al.Sexual function, sexual dysfunctions, and ADHD: A systematic literature review.J Sex Med. 2020;17(9):1653-1664. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.03.019Hechtman L, Swanson J, Sibley MH, et al.Functional adult outcomes 16 years after childhood diagnosis of attention-deficity/hyperactivity disorder: MTA results.J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016;55(11):945-952.e2. doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2016.07.774Dekkers TJ, Agelink van Rentergem J, Huizenga HM, et al.Decision-making deficits in ADHD are not related to risk seeking but to suboptimal decision-making: meta-analytical and novel experimental evidence.J Attent Disord. 2018;25(4):486-501. doi:01.1177/1087054718815572Harvey EA, Breaux RP, Lugo-Candelas CI.Early development of comorbidity between symptoms of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).J Abnormal Psychol. 2016;125(2):154-167. doi:10.1037/abn0000090Ben-Naim, S, Maron, I, Krashin, M, Gifter, B, Arad, K.Life with a partner with ADHD: The moderating role of intimacy.J Child Fam Stud. 2017; 26:1365-1373. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0653-9Wymbs BT, Canu WH, Sacchetti GM, Ranson LM.Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(3):664-681. doi:10.1111/jmft/12475

10 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Albrecht B, Uebel-von Sandersleben H, Wiedmann K, Rothenberger A.ADHD history of the concept: the case of the continuous performance test.Curr Develop Disord Rep. 2015;2:10-22. doi:10.1007/s40474-014-0035-1Bouchard G, Saint-Aubin J.Attention deficits and divorce.Can J Psychiatry. 2014;59(9):480-6. doi:10.1177/070674371405900904Taubin DZ, Maeir A.“I wish it wasn’t all on me”: women’s experiences living with a partner with ADHD.Disabil Rehab. 2023:1-9. doi:10.1080/09638288.2023.2239158Pelham WE III, Page TF, Altszuler AR, Gnagy EM, Molina BSG, Pelham WE Jr.The long-term financial outcome of children diagnosed with ADHD.J Consult Clin Psychol. 2020;88(2):160-171. doi:10.1037/ccp0000461Soldati L, Bianchi-Demicheli F, Schockaert P, et al.Sexual function, sexual dysfunctions, and ADHD: A systematic literature review.J Sex Med. 2020;17(9):1653-1664. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.03.019Hechtman L, Swanson J, Sibley MH, et al.Functional adult outcomes 16 years after childhood diagnosis of attention-deficity/hyperactivity disorder: MTA results.J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016;55(11):945-952.e2. doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2016.07.774Dekkers TJ, Agelink van Rentergem J, Huizenga HM, et al.Decision-making deficits in ADHD are not related to risk seeking but to suboptimal decision-making: meta-analytical and novel experimental evidence.J Attent Disord. 2018;25(4):486-501. doi:01.1177/1087054718815572Harvey EA, Breaux RP, Lugo-Candelas CI.Early development of comorbidity between symptoms of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).J Abnormal Psychol. 2016;125(2):154-167. doi:10.1037/abn0000090Ben-Naim, S, Maron, I, Krashin, M, Gifter, B, Arad, K.Life with a partner with ADHD: The moderating role of intimacy.J Child Fam Stud. 2017; 26:1365-1373. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0653-9Wymbs BT, Canu WH, Sacchetti GM, Ranson LM.Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(3):664-681. doi:10.1111/jmft/12475

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Albrecht B, Uebel-von Sandersleben H, Wiedmann K, Rothenberger A.ADHD history of the concept: the case of the continuous performance test.Curr Develop Disord Rep. 2015;2:10-22. doi:10.1007/s40474-014-0035-1Bouchard G, Saint-Aubin J.Attention deficits and divorce.Can J Psychiatry. 2014;59(9):480-6. doi:10.1177/070674371405900904Taubin DZ, Maeir A.“I wish it wasn’t all on me”: women’s experiences living with a partner with ADHD.Disabil Rehab. 2023:1-9. doi:10.1080/09638288.2023.2239158Pelham WE III, Page TF, Altszuler AR, Gnagy EM, Molina BSG, Pelham WE Jr.The long-term financial outcome of children diagnosed with ADHD.J Consult Clin Psychol. 2020;88(2):160-171. doi:10.1037/ccp0000461Soldati L, Bianchi-Demicheli F, Schockaert P, et al.Sexual function, sexual dysfunctions, and ADHD: A systematic literature review.J Sex Med. 2020;17(9):1653-1664. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.03.019Hechtman L, Swanson J, Sibley MH, et al.Functional adult outcomes 16 years after childhood diagnosis of attention-deficity/hyperactivity disorder: MTA results.J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016;55(11):945-952.e2. doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2016.07.774Dekkers TJ, Agelink van Rentergem J, Huizenga HM, et al.Decision-making deficits in ADHD are not related to risk seeking but to suboptimal decision-making: meta-analytical and novel experimental evidence.J Attent Disord. 2018;25(4):486-501. doi:01.1177/1087054718815572Harvey EA, Breaux RP, Lugo-Candelas CI.Early development of comorbidity between symptoms of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).J Abnormal Psychol. 2016;125(2):154-167. doi:10.1037/abn0000090Ben-Naim, S, Maron, I, Krashin, M, Gifter, B, Arad, K.Life with a partner with ADHD: The moderating role of intimacy.J Child Fam Stud. 2017; 26:1365-1373. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0653-9Wymbs BT, Canu WH, Sacchetti GM, Ranson LM.Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(3):664-681. doi:10.1111/jmft/12475

Albrecht B, Uebel-von Sandersleben H, Wiedmann K, Rothenberger A.ADHD history of the concept: the case of the continuous performance test.Curr Develop Disord Rep. 2015;2:10-22. doi:10.1007/s40474-014-0035-1

Bouchard G, Saint-Aubin J.Attention deficits and divorce.Can J Psychiatry. 2014;59(9):480-6. doi:10.1177/070674371405900904

Taubin DZ, Maeir A.“I wish it wasn’t all on me”: women’s experiences living with a partner with ADHD.Disabil Rehab. 2023:1-9. doi:10.1080/09638288.2023.2239158

Pelham WE III, Page TF, Altszuler AR, Gnagy EM, Molina BSG, Pelham WE Jr.The long-term financial outcome of children diagnosed with ADHD.J Consult Clin Psychol. 2020;88(2):160-171. doi:10.1037/ccp0000461

Soldati L, Bianchi-Demicheli F, Schockaert P, et al.Sexual function, sexual dysfunctions, and ADHD: A systematic literature review.J Sex Med. 2020;17(9):1653-1664. doi:10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.03.019

Hechtman L, Swanson J, Sibley MH, et al.Functional adult outcomes 16 years after childhood diagnosis of attention-deficity/hyperactivity disorder: MTA results.J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016;55(11):945-952.e2. doi:10.1016/j.jaac.2016.07.774

Dekkers TJ, Agelink van Rentergem J, Huizenga HM, et al.Decision-making deficits in ADHD are not related to risk seeking but to suboptimal decision-making: meta-analytical and novel experimental evidence.J Attent Disord. 2018;25(4):486-501. doi:01.1177/1087054718815572

Harvey EA, Breaux RP, Lugo-Candelas CI.Early development of comorbidity between symptoms of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).J Abnormal Psychol. 2016;125(2):154-167. doi:10.1037/abn0000090

Ben-Naim, S, Maron, I, Krashin, M, Gifter, B, Arad, K.Life with a partner with ADHD: The moderating role of intimacy.J Child Fam Stud. 2017; 26:1365-1373. doi:10.1007/s10826-016-0653-9

Wymbs BT, Canu WH, Sacchetti GM, Ranson LM.Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help.J Marital Fam Ther. 2021;47(3):664-681. doi:10.1111/jmft/12475

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